The Blogger Versus Non-Blogger Mind

March marked Of Cabbages and Kings' third bloggiversary. And attesting to either my increasing age, or the advanced age of the Cabbage, I forgot all about it.

I mainly see it as a lost opportunity for cake.

But it did get me thinking how, as humans, our whole perspective on life changes when we've been blogging a while-- particularly, when it's humor blogging. See, it's like this:

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Non-Blogger:

"I shall go to a restaurant and eat this meal. If my food looks strange or unappetizing, it may reflect in the tip."

Blogger:

"Doesn't that pile of mashed potatoes look just like Corey Feldman's head? I must take a photo of it with the camera that I happen to have right here, and upload it to my blog, Twitter, Facebook, Flickr, and www.foodsthatlooklikecoreyshead.com."

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Non-Blogger:

"I am going on a road-trip with friends, where much merriment will be had."

Blogger:

"Here: you hold the steering wheel while I take a photo of that roadsign that reads 'Welcome to Bumpus. Home of the Marauding Chickens.' No, we won't swerve into that tractor trailer if you hold it steady. We have plenty of room... Plenty of room."

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Non-Blogger:

"That was the worst vacation I've ever been on. They lost my luggage, I got food poisoning, and my husband left me for a cabana boy named Paco."

Blogger:

"I think I'll write a post from the perspective of my lost luggage, since it got to see Thailand by way of Newark, and I always wanted to visit. Maybe it will bring me back some Pad SeeEw. Or a new husband."

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Non-Blogger:

"It's the Halloween season. There will be pumpkins, candy, and fun for the kiddies."

Blogger:

"I need a Halloween post. I wonder if anyone's ever written a parody of The Night Before Christmas except using zombies and from the first person perspective of Shaun of the Dead?"

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Non-Blogger:

Now that I'm getting older, I find myself asking the important questions, like what is the meaning of life? And how can I raise good, productive children?

Blogger:

Now that I've seen Star Wars for the sixtieth time, I find myself wondering whether Darth Vader ever had a brainstorming session when he was naming the Death Star.

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Non-Blogger:

"I have had this jingle in my head for the past three days."

Blogger:

"I may have had this jingle in my head for the past three days, but soon, through the Mighty Power of the Blog, I will not be alone. Oh no, I shall not be alone..."

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Now here, my friends: have some cake!

Adorable cabbage cake photo from: http://cakecentral.com/gallery/1331783

Also... sing this:

Thanks! :) And surf safely out there.

Ten Signs Your Neighbor is a Zombie

So you think you might be living next door to a flesh-eating zombie, but want to be sure.

In suburbia, a neighbor with a glazed expression and red-stained clothes may not, in fact, be zombified. Mrs. Johnson might just be one Cosmo away from forgetting how much she hates PTA meetings. Or Mr. Johnson might have slugged the kids' soccer coach again.

So how can you be absolutely certain the people next door have not joined the walking dead in their unholy crusade for human nibblies?

Of Cabbages and Kings has you covered, with our Top 10 Signs Your Neighbor is a Zombie:

• The annual neighborhood barbecue mysteriously swaps burgers and hot dogs for steak tartar and ribs. Very rare ribs.
  

• Local trick-or-treaters seem to have all coordinated their costumes and gone as what you can only describe as "grunge." It's the first year no one has shown up as the killer from Scream.

• People are milling about on your lawn in the wee hours of the morning, peering in your windows and moaning, but you're not actually holding a yard sale this day.

• Your dog is missing, and Mr. Brown next door is in bad need of a lint brush.

• This is the first time you've talked to Mrs. Brown where she didn't try to verbally one-up your kid with her kid's success. In fact, it's the first time she let you do all the talking.

• You ask for a hand with some groceries, and you get one. It wears nail polish.
  

• Mr. Timmons' white picket fence is now in a designer color you could only describe as "Carotid Artery Crimson."

• Suzie White's Girl Scout Cookie stand now carries flavors like "Thin Mintons," "Peanut Taggarts" and "Samoans." Coincidentally, the Mintons, Taggarts and Samoans live down the block.
  

• The kids' babysitter seemed wholly uninterested in raiding the fridge. But licked her lips when she saw your cat Mr. Fluffy.

• Keeping up with the Joneses has become easy. They meander in the yard in circles at about two miles per hour.

Thank you, we'll be here all week, folks! Enjoy the finger sandwiches!
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Humorbloggers
Humor-blogs

Signs of Zombies and My New Zombie Defense Strategy

Yesterday, Austin, Texas news reported that construction signs along one highway began to flash warnings of a zombie outbreak. They're currently blaming hackers, but honestly... Didn't we all know this was coming sometime?

Could the hacker story not, in fact, be a clever cover-up conspiracy for the truth of the situation? Just to prevent mass panic?

I mean, at the first sign of a few snowflakes, we all run off to the store to stock up on milk and bread. As if dry toast and 2% are the keystones to quality survivalist living...

And at any sort of big sports triumph, fans take to the streets, knock over trashcans and set things on fire. Because celebration requires conflagration.

This is the logic of the masses.

So you can see where news about the zombie hoards coming... well, that would have to be suppressed for a while for the safety of the public, first to save people from themselves.

I mean, they might be undead, but zombies should only have to take so much blame.

Now, you may not know this, but I live just on the cusp of Zombie Central.

No, no, not in Austin. But our Monroeville Mall, right outside Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, is famous-- not only for being a key scene in George A. Romero's Dawn of the Dead...

And an annual Zombie Walk which benefits the Greater Pittsburgh Food Bank (savor the irony)...

But it is also home to The Monroeville Zombies Museum, Gallery and Attraction-- the perfect place for stocking up on all your critical Zombie Defense paraphanalia.

And that is where I purchased the one item that should help me with my latest zombie defense strategy.

My cunning "Monroeville Zombies" t-shirt disguise....


See, I'd previously detailed some preliminary plans for myself to deal with zombie defense, but much of that involved zombie-proofing my home.

This t-shirt, I believe, gives me an added dimension of protection in that, should I run out of supplies like milk and bread, I could possibly make it to the store by showing my solidarity for the zombie cause. By clearly saying, "Hey, I'm one of you." Also, by drooling a bit, walking slowly, and looking vacant...

So basically, how things are before I have my morning coffee.

I'm practicing my shuffle and groan now. And I already have dark circles under my eyes, so that's a plus. And now I have my nifty Monroeville Zombies t-shirt-- so I can be fashionable and possibly not gnawed upon. I might still need to invest in some fake blood or possibly just dip into the Heinz ketchup in my fridge. But I'll deal with that detail when the time comes.

What do you think? Here, I'll show you the general look I'm considering...


Do I stand a chance?

Oh, and because I care about you guys and would hate to think all of my nice readers got eaten by the undead and stuff, you might also want to check out the following Cabbages zombie defense-related posts...

• Zombie Situation Anti-Cliche Specialist for Hire
• Zombie Defensive Tactics, Part I
• The Z-Word

Be careful out there!

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UPDATE!!- Well, there have been some folks who felt I didn't look zombiefied enough. So my friend Jaffer was kind enough to use his Mad Photoshop Skillz and make me a little more assimilated to the zombie hoards. It's a good look for me...


Sorta like I've just enjoyed a really nice pasta marinara... Or a neighbor.
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Humorbloggers Humor-blogs Bloggerella

Zombie Situation Anti-Cliche Specialist For Hire

Zombies. In our first look at the topic here at Of Cabbages and Kings, we gave an overview examination of innovative ways to prepare for a potential zombie plague.

But today, I would like to share my personal plan for being a productive, employed citizen during the aforementioned zombie infiltration.

I mean, with so much of the population either already dead, or potential zombie Slurpees-- and with no pre-determined Governmental Non-zombie Exit Strategy in sight-- this pretty much will leave the job market wide open for an unspecified amount of time.

So I got to thinking how I would support myself in a post-apocalyptic zombie-based society. I mean, under normal conditions, I'm a marketing writer. There probably won't be a big need for brochures and banner advertising right away--

Especially, not after the power grids go down, and my clients go all hors d'oeuvrey. I'm going to have to consider a career change.

So after careful self-evaluation, I feel deeply that with my current knowledge of horror films, plus my years of marketing project management, I might just be successful as...


A Zombie Situation Anti-Cliché Specialist.


Yes, it's an untested career niche, and it doesn't offer a 401k, but I think the New Post-Zombie World Order would bear it.

Now, what does this position entail, you ask?

I would play a key role in spotting potential horror movie cliché set-ups and heading off the parties involved before disaster strikes-- guiding them from pointy teeth and irony, instead to fresh potential plotlines and safety.

For example, a few critical Horror Movie Cliché Warning Situations I would be on alert for would include:

• Petty tiffs between individuals likely to spawn someone going off in a huff into a dark, distant zombie-filled sector

• Blond girls running in four-inch heels, alone in dark alleys (Disclaimer: no action required by law if girl is named "Buffy.")

• A couple just realizing they really love each other and deciding to announce their engagement and how now they'll never, ever, ever be apart again
  

• A couple deciding it's the end of the world anyway, so they might as well make-out in this conveniently unlocked car

• Anyone exhibiting hysterical fear and saying phrases like, "They're going kill us, they're going to kill us all" or "Game over, man."
  

• Anyone who thinks they can manipulate the zombies against the humans by either becoming their evil leader, or by befriending them to save himself/herself

• A subset of the aforementioned: anyone who tries to engineer bigger, better zombies for reasons explicable only to themselves
  

• Those curious about what that strange noise is coming from an otherwise dark and creepy area

• Minorities, particularly if they display a likable sense of humor

• Someone about to go back for, or check on, a beloved pet

• Someone who thinks he or she hears a friend return and wants to go check it out and say hi because they were so, so worried
  

• Anyone deciding to include someone who has "just gotten a nick/nip/mysterious bleeding wound" into their group, simply because the person assures them "they feel fine, really"

• The person who just wants to check out why a generator or other bit of semi-vital technology isn't working

• Anyone scoffing at the power and dangers of zombies
  

Now, mind you, this is only a sampling of the kinds of situations I would be working diligently to head off. But it should give you a sense of what the occupation itself would involve.

And now, well, I'm afraid I've gotta go-- I want to post this For Hire ad well-before anything starts to heat up on the zombie front.

I'll be posting my availability on Monster.com, doncha know. And I just bet I'll make a serious killing in the field.

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So how do you plan to support yourself in a Post-Apocalyptic Zombie Plague Society? Cabbages readers want to know.
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Humor-blogs
Humorbloggers

Anti-Undead, Non-Sentient-Being Defensive Tactics: A Primer

The economy's spiraling out of control, leadership is up in the air, natural disasters loom, and environmental concerns weigh heavy.... But a thread on BlogCatalog yesterday opened my eyes to another potential crisis on our horizon that's barely a whisper in today's media. Yet, it's not only a serious threat to our way of life, but to the Human Condition itself ...

What to do in case of a zombie plague.

See-- a lightbulb's probably going off for you, too. I mean, how often do we really think seriously about zombie mass infiltration and its greater ramifications? Not as often as we should.

I know I've been putting it off! And frankly, it's embarrassing. What did I think I would do-- wait until the moaning hoards were outside, salivating on my windows and giving them the first real cleaning since I bought the house-- and then consider my options?

Would I take some time to contemplate Zombie Defensive Strategy only when the slathering masses were making Squirrel Slurpees of Itchy and Mr. Nutkin in the backyard? Or noshing on my housemate before work, which would really ruin her day?

That is why, my friends, I'm sharing with you my personal Anti-Undead, Non-Sentient-Being Defensive Tactics plan. I feel strongly that if more of us put a preemptive strategy in place, and then shared our ideas, we would be better prepared should zombie plague infiltrate our borders, and spread across this beautiful place we call home.


Zombie Defense Kit
Not entirely unlike the kits many Americans pulled together for the Year 2000 crisis, the Anti-Undead, Non-Sentient-Being (Zombie) Defense Kit should include items that will help humans spend a length of time comfortably sequestered from zombie reach. This can entail common household things such as:

• Power generators
• A hotplate
• Bottled water
• Ramen noodles
• SPAM
• MREs
• A radio
• Batteries
• A flashlight
• CB radio and cell phones
  
• Wii

Yet there are additional items, specific to potential zombie confrontation, that it is also suggested you keep on hand. These include:

• Cricket bats or other large blunt instruments
• Boomsticks (licensed and registered, please)
• Chainsaws (available in any hardware store)
• Flamethrowers (catalog item)
• Handiwipes
• Queen's Greatest Hits album, ideal for rhythmic zombie beating and morale boosting. Ensure album includes, "We Are the Champions."

Zombie-Proofing the Home
By taking some time to zombie-proof your home now, you significantly reduce your chances of being nibblies later. Some suggested steps to zombie-proof your home include:

• Check doors and windows and ensure sturdy locking. Keep all doors locked at all times.
  
• Hurricane shutters can serve an effective double-duty as a zombie deterrent. Homeowners in high hurricane areas-- or near mysterious government laboratories-- may be entitled to receive insurance discounts.
• Black-out drapes help prevent light from letting zombies and unwanted salesmen know you're home
• Keep plyboard, hammer and nails on hand for easy window and door boarding.
  

Determine Your Escape Route
Your family may have an escape plan for tragedies such as fire. But do you have an escape plan in place for zombie infiltration?

While it's true that holing up in a secure environment you are familiar with is considered the number one way to prevent being zombie num-nums, it is best to prepare in advance for all contingencies. And that includes knowing your escape route.

As 75% of common zombies lack motor skills and dexterity, it is recommended that this route be off of the ground level.

Also, we are currently working on producing helpful plastic window clings you can place in a chosen upstairs window which mark the room for firefighters and other rescue crews to get to you, should help be needed.


In Case of an Actual Zombie Plague
So, now that you've planned, what to do should the worst happen? Here are some helpful tips.

• Determine zombie type-- slow, shuffling zombies or newer, faster zombies who do Tae Bo? Knowing this can be integral to your strategy. Slower zombies mean that using blunt instruments and frisbee-throwing your vinyl collection may be enough to prevent casualty. Whereas, boomsticks, chainsaws and flame-throwers may be more effective tools against their more athletic counterparts.
  

• Eliminate the possibility that people peering through windows in the dawn light aren't just pushy garage salers hitting the yard sale next door. Pending survival, you could be facing a wrongful death lawsuit based on the answer to this question. Now you might think checking for drool and a glazed expression would be enough. Not in the case of yard sale vultures. Look for blood on the lips and veins in the teeth-- also noticeable gnaw wounds. If they mouth through the window at you that they'd like to give you $20 for your porch furniture, they are not zombies. Repeat, not zombies.
  

• Keep your head. Don't get in an argument with friends or family and decide to leave the secure area in a huff. This action results in an estimated 95% of fatalities.
  

With potential zombie infiltration, knowledge is power. By taking appropriate steps to make your home better equipped now, you don't have to live in fear. You can go on with your every day life knowing you have done what you can, to ensure down the road your family is safer... more comfortable... and bite-mark free.

Those wishing to share their own zombie defense techniques are absolutely welcome.

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