Zombie Situation Anti-Cliche Specialist For Hire

Zombies. In our first look at the topic here at Of Cabbages and Kings, we gave an overview examination of innovative ways to prepare for a potential zombie plague.

But today, I would like to share my personal plan for being a productive, employed citizen during the aforementioned zombie infiltration.

I mean, with so much of the population either already dead, or potential zombie Slurpees-- and with no pre-determined Governmental Non-zombie Exit Strategy in sight-- this pretty much will leave the job market wide open for an unspecified amount of time.

So I got to thinking how I would support myself in a post-apocalyptic zombie-based society. I mean, under normal conditions, I'm a marketing writer. There probably won't be a big need for brochures and banner advertising right away--

Especially, not after the power grids go down, and my clients go all hors d'oeuvrey. I'm going to have to consider a career change.

So after careful self-evaluation, I feel deeply that with my current knowledge of horror films, plus my years of marketing project management, I might just be successful as...


A Zombie Situation Anti-Cliché Specialist.


Yes, it's an untested career niche, and it doesn't offer a 401k, but I think the New Post-Zombie World Order would bear it.

Now, what does this position entail, you ask?

I would play a key role in spotting potential horror movie cliché set-ups and heading off the parties involved before disaster strikes-- guiding them from pointy teeth and irony, instead to fresh potential plotlines and safety.

For example, a few critical Horror Movie Cliché Warning Situations I would be on alert for would include:

• Petty tiffs between individuals likely to spawn someone going off in a huff into a dark, distant zombie-filled sector

• Blond girls running in four-inch heels, alone in dark alleys (Disclaimer: no action required by law if girl is named "Buffy.")

• A couple just realizing they really love each other and deciding to announce their engagement and how now they'll never, ever, ever be apart again
  

• A couple deciding it's the end of the world anyway, so they might as well make-out in this conveniently unlocked car

• Anyone exhibiting hysterical fear and saying phrases like, "They're going kill us, they're going to kill us all" or "Game over, man."
  

• Anyone who thinks they can manipulate the zombies against the humans by either becoming their evil leader, or by befriending them to save himself/herself

• A subset of the aforementioned: anyone who tries to engineer bigger, better zombies for reasons explicable only to themselves
  

• Those curious about what that strange noise is coming from an otherwise dark and creepy area

• Minorities, particularly if they display a likable sense of humor

• Someone about to go back for, or check on, a beloved pet

• Someone who thinks he or she hears a friend return and wants to go check it out and say hi because they were so, so worried
  

• Anyone deciding to include someone who has "just gotten a nick/nip/mysterious bleeding wound" into their group, simply because the person assures them "they feel fine, really"

• The person who just wants to check out why a generator or other bit of semi-vital technology isn't working

• Anyone scoffing at the power and dangers of zombies
  

Now, mind you, this is only a sampling of the kinds of situations I would be working diligently to head off. But it should give you a sense of what the occupation itself would involve.

And now, well, I'm afraid I've gotta go-- I want to post this For Hire ad well-before anything starts to heat up on the zombie front.

I'll be posting my availability on Monster.com, doncha know. And I just bet I'll make a serious killing in the field.

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So how do you plan to support yourself in a Post-Apocalyptic Zombie Plague Society? Cabbages readers want to know.
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