Zombie Situation Anti-Cliche Specialist For Hire

Zombies. In our first look at the topic here at Of Cabbages and Kings, we gave an overview examination of innovative ways to prepare for a potential zombie plague.

But today, I would like to share my personal plan for being a productive, employed citizen during the aforementioned zombie infiltration.

I mean, with so much of the population either already dead, or potential zombie Slurpees-- and with no pre-determined Governmental Non-zombie Exit Strategy in sight-- this pretty much will leave the job market wide open for an unspecified amount of time.

So I got to thinking how I would support myself in a post-apocalyptic zombie-based society. I mean, under normal conditions, I'm a marketing writer. There probably won't be a big need for brochures and banner advertising right away--

Especially, not after the power grids go down, and my clients go all hors d'oeuvrey. I'm going to have to consider a career change.

So after careful self-evaluation, I feel deeply that with my current knowledge of horror films, plus my years of marketing project management, I might just be successful as...

A Zombie Situation Anti-Cliché Specialist.

Yes, it's an untested career niche, and it doesn't offer a 401k, but I think the New Post-Zombie World Order would bear it.

Now, what does this position entail, you ask?

I would play a key role in spotting potential horror movie cliché set-ups and heading off the parties involved before disaster strikes-- guiding them from pointy teeth and irony, instead to fresh potential plotlines and safety.

For example, a few critical Horror Movie Cliché Warning Situations I would be on alert for would include:

  • Petty tiffs between individuals likely to spawn someone going off in a huff into a dark, distant zombie-filled sector
  • Blond girls running in four-inch heels, alone in dark alleys (Disclaimer: no action required by law if girl is named "Buffy.")
  • A couple just realizing they really love each other and deciding to announce their engagement and how now they'll never, ever, ever be apart again
  • A couple deciding it's the end of the world anyway, so they might as well make-out in this conveniently unlocked car
  • Anyone exhibiting hysterical fear and saying phrases like, "They're going kill us, they're going to kill us all" or "Game over, man."
  • Anyone who thinks they can manipulate the zombies against the humans by either becoming their evil leader, or by befriending them to save himself/herself
  • A subset of the aforementioned: anyone who tries to engineer bigger, better zombies for reasons explicable only to themselves
  • Those curious about what that strange noise is coming from an otherwise dark and creepy area
  • Minorities, particularly if they display a likable sense of humor
  • Someone about to go back for, or check on, a beloved pet
  • Someone who thinks he or she hears a friend return and wants to go check it out and say hi because they were so, so worried
  • Anyone deciding to include someone who has "just gotten a nick/nip/mysterious bleeding wound" into their group, simply because the person assures them "they feel fine, really"
  • The person who just wants to check out why a generator or other bit of semi-vital technology isn't working
  • Anyone scoffing at the power and dangers of zombies
Now, mind you, this is only a sampling of the kinds of situations I would be working diligently to head off. But it should give you a sense of what the occupation itself would involve.

And now, well, I'm afraid I've gotta go-- I want to post this For Hire ad well-before anything starts to heat up on the zombie front.

I'll be posting my availability on Monster.com, doncha know. And I just bet I'll make a serious killing in the field.

So how do you plan to support yourself in a Post-Apocalyptic Zombie Plague Society? Cabbages readers want to know.


Chat Blanc said...

I'm keeping your business card handy. I'm likely to be the girl in four inches heels trying to flee a zombie attack. I'm most certainly going to need some assistance!

Jenn Thorson said...

Chat Blanc- I don't know, I always thought of you as a fighter. Perhaps you might be more of the Buffy ilk, prepared to take those stilettos off and use them as weaponry.

Also, you're not blond, so you have an increased probability of survival.

But certainly, I'm available for consultations on do's and don'ts.

Da Old Man said...

I was thinking more along the lines of us adopting an inclusionary zombie policy. And as such, zombies will want to integrate into the community and will need to access recreation activities and exposure to various cultural and technological changes that may have taken place since their demise. I may not know a lot about computers, but I'll bet I'm much more computer literate than the average zombie.
I could be a zombie life skills teacher in the new post apocolyptic society.

Prefers Her Fantasy Life said...

I'm thinking you could take your anti-cliche talents beyond the zombie world--Washington as well as Hollywood needs you.

btw, I'm playing a blond today on my blog.

Jenn Thorson said...

Da Old Man- I think it's a very noble profession, being a zombie life skills teacher. Very rewarding, if you can get them to truly adapt to society and lead productive lives.

Meg- Oh, the horrors of Washington are WAY worse than dealing with a few zombies-- they REALLY want to swallow your soul. I doubt I could survive.

If you're blonde today, please wear sensible shoes. The zombie plague could begin at any time.

Tiggy said...

I may need your services. I'm often petting small children on the head, laughing and reassuring them there's no such things as monsters.

Funny how I never see those kiddies after that.

Jenn Thorson said...

Tiggy- Here's a freebie, because you're a blog friend-- if those little tykes who disappeared suddenly show up looking pale and groggy?

Do NOT invite them in for milk and cookies. Repeat- NO to the cookies.

And no more head-patting. You're walking into a minefield doing things like that.

Ryammm said...

I see you have gone ahead and promoted your services. Please remember that we don't have enough prison cells to accommodate all your new customers.

Plus you will need to pre-order the aluminum foil suits and flashlights!

Oh and don't forget the the air fresheners, rubber bands and jawbreakers - VERY IMPORTANT!

Jenn Thorson said...

Ryammm- Ah, never fear-- I'll make sure I've purchased and pulled together the appropriate anti-zombie kits for those who require it.

I expect a certain amount of investment for this business to really take off.

timethief said...

Please send me more business cards so I can pass them out to friends. I have one taped to the fridge but I need another one that I can have plasticized and hung from a chain around my neck. Also send me a dozen anti-zombie kits as I have the habit of misplacing important items when under stress. One can never be too careful in this the zombie season.

Jenn Thorson said...

TimeThief- As always, you are thinking ahead, and that is why you are still alive and well. Long may you prosper.

I will get right on assembling those anti-zombie kits, and tucking some extra business cards in there for you...

(Once I stop chuckling, of course.)

Nanny Goats In Panties said...

"potential zombie Slurpees"
LOL and ewwwwwww.

Of course you realize that if your niche business is a hit, you'll have all these wannabes copying you. So entrench your brand early!

Jenn Thorson said...

Nanny Goats- Right you are. I think brand recognition, combined with experience will be incredibly useful. I mean, I've seen Sean of the Dead, various other Of The Deads, The Mummy, Resident Evil, 28 Days, Bubba Ho-Tep, Evil Dead-- heck, even The Lost Skeleton of Cadavra. And that's not even counting, Freddie, Jason, Michael Myers, Pinhead, the Leprechaun, Scream, and that lot.

So I think I'll have a wide assortment of horror cliches to draw on, and really reassure clients.

ReformingGeek said...

And the blond girl with big boobs alone in the house and the phone rings.....She answers it and hears [insert scary words/sounds here] and runs out of the house screaming.

Anyway, I think I'll disconnect my phone line and then I'll start work on an underground city that will be force-field protected from zombies.

chyna said...

Long as you're still a virgin you should be safe too. Oh rats I'm sunk. LOL

Dan Brantley said...

Be sure to check out my new blog: ZombieSituationAnti-ClicheSpecialistBlog.voodooblogs.com All Zombies All the Time
(I can see a hot trend starting)
and my companion blog LivingDead.voodooblogs.com
this week featuring members of the US Congress.

Drowsey Monkey said...

Good grief, zombies. I've been out of the loop the last few days and return to find this!

Marvel Goose said...

I can see an entire host of jobs:

Zombie Sensitivity Corporate Trainer.

Zombie Diversity Seminar Team Leader

Zombie Communications Coach - helping corporate America overcome the roadblocks to Zombie communication.

Zombie Cultural Studies Professor

Then there are the entrepreneurs:

Astrologer to the Zombies (this one's easy, tomorrow you will stumble around, a lot)

Zombie Drycleaners (no need to take off the clothes, just toss the entire zombie into the steam dryer)

Zombie Pedicures -- after all, the toenails continue to grow after death!

Jenn Thorson said...

ReformingGeek- Excellent to think now about zombies later. I wish you luck with your plans. If you need construction workers who specialize in anti-zombie home security systems, let me know. I can hook you up with some good folks.

Chyna- Just don't wear high heels... I cannot say that often enough. :)

Dan- Ah, good-- we keep hearing about half the Congress not being American enough. Perhaps the representative from Minnesota was referring to the LivingDead zombies you'd mentioned.

Drowsey- Heh, sorry for the shock. I just like to get the word out while there's time.

Marvel- You've really thought this through. Have you considered developing an all-zombie-related job board? I think there might be a market. Monster.com may be too diverse.

JD and Lucy said...

Lucy plans to change her name to Buffy if things go down that road. Try as she has, I am not planning to change my name to Angel, even if need be.


Jenn Thorson said...

JD- How about Spike? It's got flair. :)

chyna said...

I thought of something on the way to work this morning.

Ever notice that the bad guys always go after the beautiful people? I propose a job where you uglify people so they can leave the house.

Stunning blonde walking down the street- zombie fodder.

Mousy, zitty, warty female walking down the same street- safe, zombies won't even look at her twice.

Jenn Thorson said...

Chyna- That's really only because less attractive people don't exist in general in horror situations. I mean, look around-- do you ever see, say, Screech from Saved by the Bell in a horror situation? No. How about Steven Buscemi? Nuh-uh.

It may, in fact, be the sheer quantities OF beautiful people per square foot that even trigger these kinds of problems.

chyna said...

That's what brought to mind the uglifying of people. I couldn't think of a less than perfect person in a horror movie. Well except for Newman, not sure what movie it was but I do seem to remember him dying.

Could be all the silicone dandruff that flakes off the living Barbies that causes these problems. You'd think that Hollywood would be infested though. Apparently the king of the zombies lives in England though. Keith Richards has to be the leader!