Anti-Undead, Non-Sentient-Being Defensive Tactics: A Primer

The economy's spiraling out of control, leadership is up in the air, natural disasters loom, and environmental concerns weigh heavy.... But a thread on BlogCatalog yesterday opened my eyes to another potential crisis on our horizon that's barely a whisper in today's media. Yet, it's not only a serious threat to our way of life, but to the Human Condition itself ...

What to do in case of a zombie plague.

See-- a lightbulb's probably going off for you, too. I mean, how often do we really think seriously about zombie mass infiltration and its greater ramifications? Not as often as we should.

I know I've been putting it off! And frankly, it's embarrassing. What did I think I would do-- wait until the moaning hoards were outside, salivating on my windows and giving them the first real cleaning since I bought the house-- and then consider my options?

Would I take some time to contemplate Zombie Defensive Strategy only when the slathering masses were making Squirrel Slurpees of Itchy and Mr. Nutkin in the backyard? Or noshing on my housemate before work, which would really ruin her day?

That is why, my friends, I'm sharing with you my personal Anti-Undead, Non-Sentient-Being Defensive Tactics plan. I feel strongly that if more of us put a preemptive strategy in place, and then shared our ideas, we would be better prepared should zombie plague infiltrate our borders, and spread across this beautiful place we call home.


Zombie Defense Kit
Not entirely unlike the kits many Americans pulled together for the Year 2000 crisis, the Anti-Undead, Non-Sentient-Being (Zombie) Defense Kit should include items that will help humans spend a length of time comfortably sequestered from zombie reach. This can entail common household things such as:

• Power generators
• A hotplate
• Bottled water
• Ramen noodles
• SPAM
• MREs
• A radio
• Batteries
• A flashlight
• CB radio and cell phones
  
• Wii

Yet there are additional items, specific to potential zombie confrontation, that it is also suggested you keep on hand. These include:

• Cricket bats or other large blunt instruments
• Boomsticks (licensed and registered, please)
• Chainsaws (available in any hardware store)
• Flamethrowers (catalog item)
• Handiwipes
• Queen's Greatest Hits album, ideal for rhythmic zombie beating and morale boosting. Ensure album includes, "We Are the Champions."

Zombie-Proofing the Home
By taking some time to zombie-proof your home now, you significantly reduce your chances of being nibblies later. Some suggested steps to zombie-proof your home include:

• Check doors and windows and ensure sturdy locking. Keep all doors locked at all times.
  
• Hurricane shutters can serve an effective double-duty as a zombie deterrent. Homeowners in high hurricane areas-- or near mysterious government laboratories-- may be entitled to receive insurance discounts.
• Black-out drapes help prevent light from letting zombies and unwanted salesmen know you're home
• Keep plyboard, hammer and nails on hand for easy window and door boarding.
  

Determine Your Escape Route
Your family may have an escape plan for tragedies such as fire. But do you have an escape plan in place for zombie infiltration?

While it's true that holing up in a secure environment you are familiar with is considered the number one way to prevent being zombie num-nums, it is best to prepare in advance for all contingencies. And that includes knowing your escape route.

As 75% of common zombies lack motor skills and dexterity, it is recommended that this route be off of the ground level.

Also, we are currently working on producing helpful plastic window clings you can place in a chosen upstairs window which mark the room for firefighters and other rescue crews to get to you, should help be needed.


In Case of an Actual Zombie Plague
So, now that you've planned, what to do should the worst happen? Here are some helpful tips.

• Determine zombie type-- slow, shuffling zombies or newer, faster zombies who do Tae Bo? Knowing this can be integral to your strategy. Slower zombies mean that using blunt instruments and frisbee-throwing your vinyl collection may be enough to prevent casualty. Whereas, boomsticks, chainsaws and flame-throwers may be more effective tools against their more athletic counterparts.
  

• Eliminate the possibility that people peering through windows in the dawn light aren't just pushy garage salers hitting the yard sale next door. Pending survival, you could be facing a wrongful death lawsuit based on the answer to this question. Now you might think checking for drool and a glazed expression would be enough. Not in the case of yard sale vultures. Look for blood on the lips and veins in the teeth-- also noticeable gnaw wounds. If they mouth through the window at you that they'd like to give you $20 for your porch furniture, they are not zombies. Repeat, not zombies.
  

• Keep your head. Don't get in an argument with friends or family and decide to leave the secure area in a huff. This action results in an estimated 95% of fatalities.
  

With potential zombie infiltration, knowledge is power. By taking appropriate steps to make your home better equipped now, you don't have to live in fear. You can go on with your every day life knowing you have done what you can, to ensure down the road your family is safer... more comfortable... and bite-mark free.

Those wishing to share their own zombie defense techniques are absolutely welcome.

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