Anti-Undead, Non-Sentient-Being Defensive Tactics: A Primer

The economy's spiraling out of control, leadership is up in the air, natural disasters loom, and environmental concerns weigh heavy.... But a thread on BlogCatalog yesterday opened my eyes to another potential crisis on our horizon that's barely a whisper in today's media. Yet, it's not only a serious threat to our way of life, but to the Human Condition itself ...

What to do in case of a zombie plague.

See-- a lightbulb's probably going off for you, too. I mean, how often do we really think seriously about zombie mass infiltration and its greater ramifications? Not as often as we should.

I know I've been putting it off! And frankly, it's embarrassing. What did I think I would do-- wait until the moaning hoards were outside, salivating on my windows and giving them the first real cleaning since I bought the house-- and then consider my options?

Would I take some time to contemplate Zombie Defensive Strategy only when the slathering masses were making Squirrel Slurpees of Itchy and Mr. Nutkin in the backyard? Or noshing on my housemate before work, which would really ruin her day?

That is why, my friends, I'm sharing with you my personal Anti-Undead, Non-Sentient-Being Defensive Tactics plan. I feel strongly that if more of us put a preemptive strategy in place, and then shared our ideas, we would be better prepared should zombie plague infiltrate our borders, and spread across this beautiful place we call home.

Zombie Defense Kit
Not entirely unlike the kits many Americans pulled together for the Year 2000 crisis, the Anti-Undead, Non-Sentient-Being (Zombie) Defense Kit should include items that will help humans spend a length of time comfortably sequestered from zombie reach. This can entail common household things such as:
  • Power generators
  • A hotplate
  • Bottled water
  • Ramen noodles
  • SPAM
  • MREs
  • A radio
  • Batteries
  • A flashlight
  • CB radio and cell phones
  • Wii
Yet there are additional items, specific to potential zombie confrontation, that it is also suggested you keep on hand. These include:
  • Cricket bats or other large blunt instruments
  • Boomsticks (licensed and registered, please)
  • Chainsaws (available in any hardware store)
  • Flamethrowers (catalog item)
  • Handiwipes
  • Queen's Greatest Hits album, ideal for rhythmic zombie beating and morale boosting. Ensure album includes, "We Are the Champions."

Zombie-Proofing the Home
By taking some time to zombie-proof your home now, you significantly reduce your chances of being nibblies later. Some suggested steps to zombie-proof your home include:
  • Check doors and windows and ensure sturdy locking. Keep all doors locked at all times.
  • Hurricane shutters can serve an effective double-duty as a zombie deterrent. Homeowners in high hurricane areas-- or near mysterious government laboratories-- may be entitled to receive insurance discounts.
  • Black-out drapes help prevent light from letting zombies and unwanted salesmen know you're home
  • Keep plyboard, hammer and nails on hand for easy window and door boarding.

Determine Your Escape Route
Your family may have an escape plan for tragedies such as fire. But do you have an escape plan in place for zombie infiltration?

While it's true that holing up in a secure environment you are familiar with is considered the number one way to prevent being zombie num-nums, it is best to prepare in advance for all contingencies. And that includes knowing your escape route.

As 75% of common zombies lack motor skills and dexterity, it is recommended that this route be off of the ground level.

Also, we are currently working on producing helpful plastic window clings you can place in a chosen upstairs window which mark the room for firefighters and other rescue crews to get to you, should help be needed.

In Case of an Actual Zombie Plague
So, now that you've planned, what to do should the worst happen? Here are some helpful tips.
  • Determine zombie type-- slow, shuffling zombies or newer, faster zombies who do Tae Bo? Knowing this can be integral to your strategy. Slower zombies mean that using blunt instruments and frisbee-throwing your vinyl collection may be enough to prevent casualty. Whereas, boomsticks, chainsaws and flame-throwers may be more effective tools against their more athletic counterparts.
  • Eliminate the possibility that people peering through windows in the dawn light aren't just pushy garage salers hitting the yard sale next door. Pending survival, you could be facing a wrongful death lawsuit based on the answer to this question. Now you might think checking for drool and a glazed expression would be enough. Not in the case of yard sale vultures. Look for blood on the lips and veins in the teeth-- also noticeable gnaw wounds. If they mouth through the window at you that they'd like to give you $20 for your porch furniture, they are not zombies. Repeat, not zombies.
  • Keep your head. Don't get in an argument with friends or family and decide to leave the secure area in a huff. This action results in an estimated 95% of fatalities.
With potential zombie infiltration, knowledge is power. By taking appropriate steps to make your home better equipped now, you don't have to live in fear. You can go on with your every day life knowing you have done what you can, to ensure down the road your family is safer... more comfortable... and bite-mark free.

Those wishing to share their own zombie defense techniques are absolutely welcome.

Vote for Of Cabbages and Kings at
Or stop any Humorblogger and ask them about their Zombie Deterrent System.


Adrian said...

Lol great post 'specially the important tip about checking zombie type. An error of classification here would be fatal!



Jenn Thorson said...

I just want all of you folks to be safe, Adrian! Keep alert, and power to you! :)

Greg said...

That is a handy tip about the garage salers. My plan in this case has always been just to nip off to the pub, which seemed to work pretty well for Shawn.

Do you really think the squirrels will be any deterrent to zombies? You never see them going for wildlife in films.

Jenn Thorson said...

Greg- If they're hungry enough-- sure. But in movies there are always plenty of dummies to leave in a huff-- and become munchies. With my plan, they might be forced to try squirrel.

PS- The pub might have worked well for Shaun and his girlfriend, but by the end, the rest of his chums snuffed it and Ed went zombie. So... um.... not really good stats there.

Da Old Man said...

Since you know more about zombies than any other blogger I know, I was wondering about a few things.
It seems shotguns, flamethrowers, and chainsaws are every bit as effective against the undead as brooms and cricket bats, so which would you select?
Personally, I choose a cricket bat, because what better way to relax post zombie attack than with a sports contest?

Steve said...

You left out: get a copy of Max Brooks "Zombie Survival Guide" :)

Jenn Thorson said...

Da Old Man- See, I think weapon selection is actually a very personal thing. Someone who may, as you do, feel very comfortable with a cricket bat, may not find the heavier weaponry necessary.

Whereas, for those who want a bit more security, who lack the physical upper body strength necessary for bludgeoning, or who just have some weaponry and have wanted an excuse for using it, then flamethrowers and large guns may be in order.

As I said, it's a very personal decision.

Steve-- That was an oversight, and thanks for drawing to our readers' attention. Naturally, self-education is very important.

I would also add to that, observing-- from a safe distance-- an annual "Zombie Walk" can be helpful in getting a sense of the potential hazards.

Jay said...

"If they mouth through the window at you that they'd like to give you $20 for your porch furniture, they are not zombies. Repeat, not zombies."


I'll be sure to remember that!

Well, I have the Queen Greatest Hits album, with the required track, but I'm not sure I wouldn't rather be mauled by zombies than eat Spam.

Jenn Thorson said...

Jay- Aw, but geez, see, you'd be terrific to have on the team during a zombie attack. I think you'd be fun to have around in a "Sean of the Dead" situation.

Plus, as you proved today on your blog, you're good with knives. That would be useful. Do not give up your will to live on account of the Spam! :)

Chaotically Calm said...

The Zombie kit just reminded me a my college days, basic tools you needed to get by minus the chainsaw and flamethrower, you know. Is it possible to substitute Queen for Kanye West as I prefer to kill zombies to a hip hop beat?

Jenn Thorson said...

Chaotically- Yes, it's interesting the parallels of college life and hiding from zombies. If I'd thought to include a keg and microwave popcorn, we'd be just about there. :)

And as for the Kanye West substitution-- absolutely. You know, this is really about you finding the zombie-thrashing music that works for you. Queen is known to be effective for some, but we all have to make our own decisions on these things.

Thanks for your excellent question.

Fat Zombie said...

Great tips, You left out a couple of things but I'll forgive you because being aware is already a step in the right direction. :)

Another tip I'd give people is start using your bike more often, Or buy one if you don't have one. Trying to escape via car seems like a good idea until you are faced with traffic worse than an 8 A.M traffic jam. Also the waiting in twenty hour lines for gas would leave you out in the open for when the feeding begins.

Melanie said...

Personally, I'm opting for the flame thrower. Since my shoulders are shot, wielding a cricket bat or chainsaw are pretty much out. And a flame thrower cooks things to such a perfect crispiness. :)

Jenn Thorson said...

Fat Zombie- As I know you are a zombie in name ONLY, I will heed your words-- otherwise I would think this was a clever ruse to give bad advice to my dear readers! :)

Jenn Thorson said...

Melanie- I like how you think "multi-tasking." Just be careful not to set your house on fire in the process. Better invest in a little extra fire insurance on that homeowners policy!

Prefers Her Fantasy Life said...

It's like you're psychic. How'd you know I'm one of those peering early bird garage salers?

Jenn Thorson said...

Meg- Well, this is wonderful news!-- Because putting in those garage saler warning signs might very well have saved your life! :) I would hate for you to have snuffed it!!

Jonny's Mommy said...

I...I...don't know what to say. I ... think I'm afraid of you now...very much so.

My other zombie tip though...make them watch Dora. Their minds...whatever is left of them...will explode. It's the only way to kill them. It's almost killed me.

Chat Blanc said...

oh man, I'm completely out of Spam and hand wipes! I hope the zombies don't start showing up before I make it to Sam's Club. yeeks!

Jenn Thorson said...

Jonny's Mommy- See, the Dora information is a good tip. We'd just have to blast it, really loudly and projected really large, in some open area.

I feel for you. I haven't seen Dora myself, but can only imagine the trauma.

Chat Blanc- I think you have time, as long as you hit Sams' soon. :) We don't want to lose you.

TheSnackHound said...

I am so glad our threat level is "blue." But what about Killer Robot Insurance?

Jenn Thorson said...

SnackHound- We'll have to discuss Killer Robots as the topic of a separate post. I'd hate to overwhelm my readers with too much at one time-- with the current political situation and the economy as well, it might just be too much for folks to bear right now. :)