The Blogger Versus Non-Blogger Mind

March marked Of Cabbages and Kings' third bloggiversary. And attesting to either my increasing age, or the advanced age of the Cabbage, I forgot all about it.

I mainly see it as a lost opportunity for cake.

But it did get me thinking how, as humans, our whole perspective on life changes when we've been blogging a while-- particularly, when it's humor blogging. See, it's like this:

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Non-Blogger:

"I shall go to a restaurant and eat this meal. If my food looks strange or unappetizing, it may reflect in the tip."

Blogger:

"Doesn't that pile of mashed potatoes look just like Corey Feldman's head? I must take a photo of it with the camera that I happen to have right here, and upload it to my blog, Twitter, Facebook, Flickr, and www.foodsthatlooklikecoreyshead.com."

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Non-Blogger:

"I am going on a road-trip with friends, where much merriment will be had."

Blogger:

"Here: you hold the steering wheel while I take a photo of that roadsign that reads 'Welcome to Bumpus. Home of the Marauding Chickens.' No, we won't swerve into that tractor trailer if you hold it steady. We have plenty of room... Plenty of room."

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Non-Blogger:

"That was the worst vacation I've ever been on. They lost my luggage, I got food poisoning, and my husband left me for a cabana boy named Paco."

Blogger:

"I think I'll write a post from the perspective of my lost luggage, since it got to see Thailand by way of Newark, and I always wanted to visit. Maybe it will bring me back some Pad SeeEw. Or a new husband."

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Non-Blogger:

"It's the Halloween season. There will be pumpkins, candy, and fun for the kiddies."

Blogger:

"I need a Halloween post. I wonder if anyone's ever written a parody of The Night Before Christmas except using zombies and from the first person perspective of Shaun of the Dead?"

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Non-Blogger:

Now that I'm getting older, I find myself asking the important questions, like what is the meaning of life? And how can I raise good, productive children?

Blogger:

Now that I've seen Star Wars for the sixtieth time, I find myself wondering whether Darth Vader ever had a brainstorming session when he was naming the Death Star.

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Non-Blogger:

"I have had this jingle in my head for the past three days."

Blogger:

"I may have had this jingle in my head for the past three days, but soon, through the Mighty Power of the Blog, I will not be alone. Oh no, I shall not be alone..."

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Now here, my friends: have some cake!

Adorable cabbage cake photo from: http://cakecentral.com/gallery/1331783

Also... sing this:

Thanks! :) And surf safely out there.

Of Cabbages and Kings Official Questions You Never Actually Asked

You have questions.

Okay, well, maybe you don't...

But in honor of Cabbages' one year-- er-- sorry, five month-- anniversary, I thought I'd answer all the questions you don't have... or might have... or would have asked... if you didn't have a lot more important things to think about during the course of the day...

Like why we sniff milk we know is probably soured. And stuff like that.

So here goes.


Q: Who is that nameless cabbage up there in your header?
A: Why, that's no nameless cabbage-- that's "Old King Cole Slaw"! He's the Of Cabbages and Kings official mascot. And he prefers to be referred to as His Royal Cabbageness. (He's got a bit of a big head.)



Q: I've seen that cabbage mascot singing and driving a car, yet it has no hands, no feet, and is also a vegetable. How do you explain this?
A: The Department of Motor Vehicles does not discriminate when handing out drivers' licenses. If the driver is able to complete the proper tests, the driver is issued a license regardless of the number of appendages or its flora or fauna status. I can't believe you'd even ask such a thing! Really! The noive!

And as for questioning his musical abilities, doesn't he have a right to express himself in song? Plus, there are plenty of vegetables out there who sing and drive. Virtually any celebrity news story will confirm this.


Q: Where do you get your graphics?
A: Off the back of a truck, in an alley, in this dodgy part of town, right next to the Fake Designer Purse shop. But shhhhh, don't tell everyone, or it'll get really competitive...

Okay, no, actually, I make them myself in Microsoft Word using the program's shapes tools. This is because I am cheap-- er, creative, yes, creative!-- and the only royalty issues I want to have to deal with is that cheeky monarch cabbage up there.


Q: How much truth is really in your memoir posts?
A: Well, I take a soft nougaty center of verity, surround it with a thin outer layer of rich creamy fillers, add some gooey transition sentences to hold it all together, and drop in the nuts. A lot of nuts.


Q: What is the answer to the meaning of life?
A: You'll have to take this up with Douglas Adams. Unfortunately, he's deceased. So while he's possibly in a good position to know, that may not be abundantly helpful to you at present.

Also: 42.



Q: Are all those people you mention in your stories real?
A: Yes, but their names have been changed and their identities shrouded in mystery. That's unfortunately what happens when you become friends with a humor blogger. You don't want everybody knowing that you know one. The Witness Protection Program has been really helpful for them.


Q: What is your favorite color?
A: Are we really sinking so low as to ask a question as shallow as that?


Q: Well, yeah. Can't we?
A: 'Kay... green.



Q: If you were stuck on a deserted island...?
A: Hey, come on now. Don't you have anything more constructive to ask than cheap teeny-bopper-style interview questions?



Q: Hey, who's asking the questions here?
A: Well, a fictitious reader, really. Which is sorta what's starting to concern me.



Q: Do you talk to yourself often?
A: Yes, all the time. I grew up as an only child. I mean, if I didn't talk to me, who would? It's only if I ever start answering myself that I need to worr.... um.


Q: How have you been feeling lately?
A: Not so good, apparently...


Q: Lie back on the couch and tell me about your family...
A: Okay, I am outta here!


Q: Do you have a question for Of Cabbages and Kings?
A: Just share it in a comment below and we'll try our best to answer it. Or not. Sort of depends on how strong the meds are that they put us on.


Q: Why are we talking about ourselves in plural now?
A: Go AWAY.


Thank you.


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