Zombies. In our first look at the topic here at Of Cabbages and Kings, we gave an overview examination of innovative ways to prepare for a potential zombie plague.
But today, I would like to share my personal plan for being a productive, employed citizen during the aforementioned zombie infiltration.
I mean, with so much of the population either already dead, or potential zombie Slurpees-- and with no pre-determined Governmental Non-zombie Exit Strategy in sight-- this pretty much will leave the job market wide open for an unspecified amount of time.
So I got to thinking how I would support myself in a post-apocalyptic zombie-based society. I mean, under normal conditions, I'm a marketing writer. There probably won't be a big need for brochures and banner advertising right away--
Especially, not after the power grids go down, and my clients go all hors d'oeuvrey. I'm going to have to consider a career change.
So after careful self-evaluation, I feel deeply that with my current knowledge of horror films, plus my years of marketing project management, I might just be successful as...
A Zombie Situation Anti-Cliché Specialist.
Yes, it's an untested career niche, and it doesn't offer a 401k, but I think the New Post-Zombie World Order would bear it.
Now, what does this position entail, you ask?
I would play a key role in spotting potential horror movie cliché set-ups and heading off the parties involved before disaster strikes-- guiding them from pointy teeth and irony, instead to fresh potential plotlines and safety.
For example, a few critical Horror Movie Cliché Warning Situations I would be on alert for would include:
- Petty tiffs between individuals likely to spawn someone going off in a huff into a dark, distant zombie-filled sector
- Blond girls running in four-inch heels, alone in dark alleys (Disclaimer: no action required by law if girl is named "Buffy.")
- A couple just realizing they really love each other and deciding to announce their engagement and how now they'll never, ever, ever be apart again
- A couple deciding it's the end of the world anyway, so they might as well make-out in this conveniently unlocked car
- Anyone exhibiting hysterical fear and saying phrases like, "They're going kill us, they're going to kill us all" or "Game over, man."
- Anyone who thinks they can manipulate the zombies against the humans by either becoming their evil leader, or by befriending them to save himself/herself
- A subset of the aforementioned: anyone who tries to engineer bigger, better zombies for reasons explicable only to themselves
- Those curious about what that strange noise is coming from an otherwise dark and creepy area
- Minorities, particularly if they display a likable sense of humor
- Someone about to go back for, or check on, a beloved pet
- Someone who thinks he or she hears a friend return and wants to go check it out and say hi because they were so, so worried
- Anyone deciding to include someone who has "just gotten a nick/nip/mysterious bleeding wound" into their group, simply because the person assures them "they feel fine, really"
- The person who just wants to check out why a generator or other bit of semi-vital technology isn't working
- Anyone scoffing at the power and dangers of zombies
And now, well, I'm afraid I've gotta go-- I want to post this For Hire ad well-before anything starts to heat up on the zombie front.
I'll be posting my availability on Monster.com, doncha know. And I just bet I'll make a serious killing in the field.
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So how do you plan to support yourself in a Post-Apocalyptic Zombie Plague Society? Cabbages readers want to know.
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