The Which Type of Spammer Would You Be? Career Quiz

In these tough economic times, many people are making ends meet by taking multiple jobs or shifting careers.

• But do you know the one innovative industry that is impervious to market ups and downs?

• Have you investigated the one area which continues to thrive, offering a surprisingly wide array of exciting careers for the self-starting go-getter?

• Have you looked into the only occupation where all you need is determination, an email account and a good old-fashioned lack of ethics and boundaries?

Yes, you can enjoy a lucrative and adventurous career in the Spam Industry!

But how do you know what type of Spamming would be right for you? Just take this quick and insightful quiz from the Clogg & Cheetham Institute for Artful Spamming Technology.

At Clogg & Cheetham, in just six weeks, you'll be trained in the Spamming area of your choice, by a Certified Spam Consultant. In no time, you'll be meeting new people by blocking up Inboxes, selling the goods you know people really want but are too afraid to ask for, and offering Network Administrators real job security by the constant influx of new mass-mailed messaging.

Don't wait! Find out what kind of Spamming is right for you, and soon you'll be on your way to a profitable new career-- without ever having to leave your home.

Start the quiz now!

1.) In social situations, like a party, you tend to:
a.) Find a topic you enjoy discussing and examine it from every angle for the duration of the party to anyone within earshot
b.) Use it as an opportunity to discuss the political challenges facing your beautiful yet hopelessly corrupt Nigerian nation
c.) Let loose with whatever stream of consciousness comes to mind.
d.) Change the topic to whatever you had planned, regardless of context

2.) In your spare time, you like to:
a.) Stalk celebrities, take photos of them in compromising positions and post them online
b.) Spend time visiting relatives, who have been wrongly imprisioned due to their noble political aspirations
c.) Read snippets of novels and news articles. While you get bored after a few paragraphs, you feel this keeps you up on the latest literature and current events.
d.) Sell, sell, sell. There is never spare time for you. Money does not grow on trees, you know.


3.) If you had a personal motto, it would be:
a.) I like Paris Hilton in the springtime. I like Paris Hilton in the Fall.
b.) For just the cost of a cup of coffee, you could help one imprisioned member of the Nigerian Royal Family buy his way to a brighter future
c.) It was the best of times, it was call me Ishmael.
d.) A sucker's born every minute.


Congratulations! You have completed the Clogg & Cheetham Institute for Artful Spamming Technology Career Quiz. Now let's learn what the right spamming career track would be for you!

If you chose mostly a.) then you won't want to miss our Celebrity Spam major. Whether it's Paris Hilton, Kim Kardashian or any of our other beautiful and talented phenoms of the Hollywood and social scene, you will share the latest news, insights and birthday suit photos over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again in blog comments, on forums, and so, so much more.

If you chose mostly b.) then our Someday My Prince Will Come spam major is the metaphorical glass slipper for your career foot. This is your opportunity to help out the less fortunate royalty deposed and neglected in third-world nations-- and to meet great new people with big hearts and even bigger bank accounts!

If you chose mostly c.) then you might be the right fit for our Literary OCD/Stream of Consciousness spam track. It's the perfect opportunity to learn a little bit of everything, while never burdening your brain with too much information.

And if you chose mostly d.) you are the perfect candidate for our Soulless Sociopathic Special program. You'd take pennies from the sticky hands of daycare kids. You'd bleed your own grandmother dry and not even blink an eye. Yes, you have what it takes to sell products that don't exist to people who don't have the money to pay for them. You have a wide world of opportunity ahead of you! The sky's the limit!


So whether you're an A, a B, a C, or a D, you're all winners at Clogg & Cheatham. Find your new rewarding career with us--- Apply today!

If Spammers Behaved the Same Way in Person

Picture yourself at a party. You're digging the tunes. You've got a small plate holding mystery-filled pastry puffs in one hand, and a frosty beverage in the other. You're chatting to old friends and new. And then the door bursts open.

A person you've never seen before enters. He is wearing a plaid jacket and a big beaming grin. On the jacket, he has pinned hundreds of random items.

He walks over to your discussion group. You've been talking about a movie you all really enjoyed. He listens a moment, smiles, nods and says:

"Roquefort cheese is made through an elaborate process which encourages the cheese to mold. It must be done in a cheese press, promoting air pockets in the milk, and by carefully monitoring air temperature and humidity. To learn more about buying fresh bleu cheeses, check this out."

He unclips one of the products on his jacket and hands it to you. It is a Wide World of Bleu Cheese brochure and something which may or may not be an actual sample of bleu cheese, but which smells suspiciously like rubber.

You hand it back to him saying you're lactose unsupportive, excuse yourself and decide to join another group quickly-- one perhaps less... cheese-infested.

Here, your friends are talking about some hot new technology you find fascinating. But you're only there for a moment when the Plaid-Clad Stranger shows up again. You're just in the middle of saying why you prefer this new technology over the old, when the stranger taps you on the shoulder and interjects:

"Conundrum spatula seven colander summertime Lord Byron hiccups."

You blink. Everyone in your circle stops what they're doing and stares.

The stranger doesn't seem to notice this reaction. In fact, he looks terribly pleased with himself. And this time, instead of passing out a brochure, he saunters away to another group of guests himself.

Well, now you're wondering what's wrong with this guy. Your eyes track him to where the host of the party is standing. The host is busy refreshing drinks, introducing folks who haven't met each other before, and making everyone feel at home.

And right in the middle of pouring martinis, the Plaid Stranger stops the host with a firm hand on his arm and proclaims:

"I like this forum. It is very good informative and overflow with happy niceness. I will return much often.... Antarctic brides! Meet hot Antarctic brides!"

And he thrusts one of the packages from his jacket at the host, which appears to be a knock-off Barbie doll wearing a fur hat with earflaps. The host is frozen with confusion. And that's when the stranger starts grabbing at the host's pants pocket, trying to relieve him of his wallet.

A few guests slap the Stranger off. "What are you doing? Who is this guy? Did you invite him? I didn't invite him!"

At this point, the Stranger is being ushered out of the room, shouting in a tongue no one understands:

"Uybay ymay oductspray! Akemay igbay ashcay! On'tday ismay outay!"

The host is explaining desperately that, no, he has no idea who this guy is and maybe they should call the cops. Together, you manage to shove the Plaid Stranger out of the apartment, and you lock the door behind him.

Hands trembling with irritation, your host is pouring himself a martini. He shakes his head and pours you one, too. He says this is the third time this has happened this week, and he just keeps reporting it.

You can still see the shadow of stranger's feet hovering outside the door.

"Good morning, Sun Shines! " he says through the wall. "But I think you're wrong! This is very helpful to me but needs more gooder information yet. Contact me to discuss!"

So you do the only logical thing you can think of. You turn the music up. Way up.

New Year's Resolutions for Somebody Else

Well, last year, I'd posted about the things I resolved not to do for 2009.

This year, I've decided to post suggested New Year's Resolutions for people who are not, in fact, me.

See, I know me. I know that I could vow to... oh... eat fewer french fries. Or to exercise for two hours every day. Or to own only one pair of black shoes at a time.

But I also know I'll have forgotten about each and every one of those resolutions by the Ides of March. (Partly, it's because I get distracted, wondering when we stopped using the word "ides" to mean mid-month-- I mean, no one ever tells you your credit card bill is due "ides-ish.")

So, I figure if I want to make some resolutions that are going to fall through anyway, I might as well make them for someone else. Someone who can really use them.

Like this:

• Charlie Sheen. Charlie... dude. Enough with the hookers and wife-beating and weaponry. It's getting old and boring, like Viagra jokes on a long-drawn-out sitcom. (Not that you know anything about that.) Surprise us for 2010. Join a cult or organized religious group or something. It could even successfully spill over into your series: "Two and a Half Monks." You're good at physical comedy, so the vow of silence shouldn't be a problem, plus, it will cut costs in the writing department. Think about it.

• People Who Comment Passionately on News Sites. Did you know that you can make your paranoid rants, non sequiter commentary, and parroted talking points in reaction to news articles even more effective? Well, you can! For 2010, consider learning to spell "losers" and "riddance." "Looser" is what happens to your waistband when you drop a pants size. And "riddens" is just an overzealous misapplication of Hooked on Phonics. Calling a group of people "loosers" is, perhaps, not the way to establish the intellectual credibility you're seeking. I mean, I know you could also avoid name-calling completely and debate the actual issues like an adult. But I recognize that's probably asking a lot. It's "losers." Good "riddance" to them. And you're welcome.
  

• Spammers. Spammers, I understand you're really devoted to your craft. I know you are desperate to have your unsubtle sales messaging nestled into the comments section of my blogs like a happily feasting tick on an overweight Golden Retriever. But did you know that even if, for some reason, I accidentally approve one of those nuggets of nonsense, when you place it on a blog where the audience doesn't read Japanese... or Russian... or French.... or ancient Mesopotamian.... you are, in fact, wasting a spam? So for 2010, why not resolve to actually, oh, do some research on the blogs you're spamming? Spam English-speaking blogs in English. Japanese in Japanese. Don't insert comments responding to a post about technology, when the post is actually about green beans. This is not to say I'll ever approve your comments. But at least you can say you've elevated your game. And that should make you feel all warm and gooey inside. Again, like that tick.

• Jon Gosselin. As the clock hits midnight on New Year's Eve and it ticks through those very first fifteen minutes of 2010, look around you, Jon. Notice the lack of TV cameras directed at you. Observe the place where groupies do not drool. Think about those first fifteen minutes of this new decade. Recognize they are not very much like those fifteen minutes of fame you had back in 2009. And then resolve to stop trying to get them back with manufactured drama that comes off like it's been scripted by a high schooler whose watched too many Melrose Place reruns. Yup, Jon, it's time you leave the attention-getting-with-no-observable-talent to Paris Hilton. It's her Niche Super Power. There can be only One. Move along, sonny.

Well, those are the main Resolutions I'd wanted to offer up. I suppose, in reading this over, I really should step forward, and resolve something myself. Like to be less sarcastic for 2010. But---

Hey, did you ever wonder why we only ever hear about "ides" in relation to March? Did Shakespeare completely corner the market on "ides"?

Oh, sorry-- what was I saying before?

Well, nevermind. Happy New Year to you all! And thanks for helping to make it a great 2009!

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Humorbloggers
Humor-blogs

Portrait of Anonymous: An Interview

Who is the single hardest working individual online today? It must be the unflappable.... the infamous... the ever-present...

Anonymous.

Anyone who has a blog, a web site, or a forum knows him well. He's the one who makes sure your quality online acreage is covered with spam like cow pats on the back-set of Rawhide.

He's the one who lights up your comments section with the licking flames of misplaced rage and unique, out-of-the-box spelling techniques.

He's the fellow on forums, who slips in unfettered by pesky things like facts or context, and who can transform an everyday discussion on non-stick spatulas into a seething, spittle-flying, pro- and anti-Teflon situation in under ten minutes flat through persistence, precision name-calling and a Wonderland sort of rationale.

How does he manage to fit it all into his busy schedule? Well, Of Cabbages and Kings caught up with Anonymous this week, for the first-of-its-kind exclusive interview!


CABBAGES: You're a very busy man. Tell us: of your many online works, which is your favorite, and why?


ANONYMOUS: Well, it's apples to oranges, really. In terms of my forum contributions, I do feel there is huge value in spreading the "you suck, you're a bunch of losers" messaging across forums around the world.

I mean, I'm helping people completely entrenched in their narrow philosophies and obsessions with entertainment fan-dom look outside their small sphere of interests, and see there are other perspectives out there-- mainly those who think they suck and that they are losers.

That's important to help align their overblown self-esteem and encourage them to unmire themselves from an unhealthy fantasy life.

But I equally support the wide range of products I endorse. Getting the word out about "nekkd Britney Spears hot videoes of hotness now" or "Improve You Today In Bed All Night Longg Ladies will Pass Out" is really a humanitarian effort. I'm upping the quality of life of all those who my messaging touches.


CABBAGES: I notice you don't limit yourself to posting only on venues from one particular country. How many languages do you actually speak?


ANONYMOUS: Thirty-nine. I've been involved heavily in the Rosetta Stone language tutorial system, plus I use a number of online translators. I mean, while it looks simple, coming up with "I fren u, u fren me kay? nice blog" as one of my catch phrases took more time than you'd think. Largely because I needed something that would translate well into most languages.


CABBAGES: Except English.


ANONYMOUS: Yeah, I'm working on that.


CABBAGES: I notice in your messaging to the masses you don't stick to things like spelling, consistent punctuation or even generally accepted logic. Why is that?


ANONYMOUS: I believe people need to stop being such sheep when it comes to spelling, grammar and having consecutive thoughts flow logically from one to the other.

I mean, are you more likely to remember a message you can figure out by just glancing at it-- or one that's almost mystically mysterious, and which you have to decipher like The DaVinci Code?

Obvious-- the last one, of course! Why follow the crowd with how you express yourself when you can open up whole new worlds in the writing field?


CABBAGES: So you consider your spam art?


ANONYMOUS: Post-modernist, possibly, yes. Though more like poetry.


CABBAGES: When bloggers get comments from you, over and over again on the same post, saying the same things that don't translate well in English, they wonder why you take the time? It just gets deleted anyway.


ANONYMOUS: That's because they're not opening their eyes to the art. I am helping contribute new beauty, new thought, new ideas, fresh perspectives when I grace their comments section and tell them they shouldn't be born, to go to hell, or I choose to honor their blog with my ads.

But they're so self-involved they just don't see it. They see it only view it as a childish insult, or ads for cheap pharmaceuticals and illegal movie sites. But I also have the faith that they'll learn, someday. They'll see the sublime perfection of these communications. So I like to give them that chance-- and if that means I need to communicate with them every day, six times a day... then, so be it.

Yes, I believe in people. I want to give them every opportunity to change for the better. To find their own best selves through my comments, my products, my enhancement of their otherwise mundane work.

That's just the kind of guy I am. And it's because I don't want to look like I'm tooting my own horn, I simply have to remain anonymous. Revealing my identity would only take away from my selfless acts for bettering mankind. And we don't want that.

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Of Cabbages and Kings would like to thank Anonymous for taking time out of his busy schedule to be with us here today.

Now we'll take questions from the readers. Do you have anything you'd like to ask Anonymous? He'll be answering your comments in between adding his, um, post-modernist art to other blogs.

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Humorbloggers
Humor-blogs

Haiku for My Japanese Spammer

Remember the old days when spammers just used robots to spread their life-changing messages of tungsten wedding rings, all-natural erectile dysfunction drugs, conspiracy theories, and Nigerian princes in peril?

They were so impersonal. So detached. So... off-the-shelf.

But every now and then, some innovative spammer looks at the state of spamming today, and decides to avoid all the cold, calculated spamming hustle-bustle. Yes, she determines to take a more hand-crafted spam approach.

This is a person who truly appreciates the subtleties of the spamming art. Who knows that irritating the hell out of a blogger takes time, a gentle hand, and adding a new spam message daily in a language that said blogger not only cannot filter out, but cannot read.

This passes the torch to the blogger, sparking another lost craft-- the need to take a thoughtful moment to hand-delete that new message. Every. Single. Frigging. Day.

It hearkens back to a simpler time, really.

Regular readers know that I have been the recipient of this regular spamly gifting, from a spam artist in Japan, whose agenda-- according to the Babelfish translator-- seems to be some sort of woo-woo psychobabble. And as we are now approaching, oh, the second month of this intercultural exchange, I have now been moved to another art form-- haiku-- in her honor.

I started with this one, but while it captured some of my feelings, it didn't quite say all that it needed to:

Inbox reveals you
Anger flows like heavy rain
Mouse clicks 'Delete'

Then I decided to try encouraging my spam artist into a more productive direction...

Eyes see. Mind reads not.
Kanji sits so alone here
Spammer finds new friends

I hoped to use a metaphor she might understand...

Culture is cuisine
Flavors please... unite
Yet Spam tastes of hoof and snout

And then I just decided to stop beating around the bush...

Japanese spammer
Blood pressure you raise so high
Knock it off, will ya?

Just doing what I can to keep the art alive in blogging, don'tchaknow.

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Today's question: have I missed any important angles I should be embracing in this ode to my persistent fan of the spam?

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Humorbloggers
Humor-blogs

Ad Ki$$ers, Keyword Infesters and Other Spamiliciousness

Spammers are getting crafty. And not in a "Let's Weave Baskets Together Kumbaya" sort of way.

No, this is an "Every Day We're Devising New Methods to Force-Feed Your Quality Blog with Our Virtual Pork Snouts and Hooves and Clog its Arteries Like Those of an Obese Comedian on Big Macs and Speed" sort of way.

My patience is thinning.

The Spam's about to hit the fan.

Yep, these purveyors of processed pig parts are increasingly determined to make their messaging mine, and in any way they can. So instead of using robot messages, which get filtered out, they've found exciting new tricks to give their Spam a more individualized, hand-crafted, personalized touch.

Well, thanks for the thought, Spammers, but I don't take well to other people trying to foist crappy marketing on me, thinking I won't notice. I mean, I'm in marketing. I can add crappy content of my own, thankyouverymuch.

Yesterday, some yahoo who called himself "Phillip" decided my If Top Gear Tested Heelys Shoe Skates post-- in order to be 105% more Spamilicious-- needed the following comment:

"Sneaker Skates by Surfer being sold on ebay size 8"

Oh, really, Phillip? REALLY, PHILLIP?! My GOD, thank you for letting me know!

See, now, months after I'd posted that post which was NOT AT ALL about my need for sneaker skates unless I could get Richard Hammond to wear them, and maybe roll up and down the track for me just a little but that wasn't the point so where was I?...

Oh yes-- months later I see you, Phillip, do a Google search on "shoe skate comments" and decide to inject your little Ebay ad into the fun.

And, you know, the thing that annoyed me even more was-- it doesn't even try to be chatty!

Go take your shoe skates and enjoy a long roll off a short pier, Phillip.

Of course, this is on the heels of my battle with the Keyword Infesters.

These are businesses who-- either through bad SEO advice or by wholly uncaring intent-- have started showing up in the comments section of a blog like a cloud of locusts.

There they leave comments where their usernames are not legit business or blog names. No. They're all SEO keywords to lead to their own blogs when people do Google searches. That means, if left untouched, the comment section gets littered with commentary from "readers" like:

Good Plumbers, MA

Or:

Comfortable Socks

Or:

Electricians in Georgia

Or:

Excellent Quality Shorts

Not only is it extremely irritating to be used so cheaply and blatantly for keyword traffic, but it's impossible to have a rational discussion about anything with someone called Excellent Quality Shorts.

Into the bin with you all! Be gone, Ye Spammy Offenders!

And lastly, while I'm giving my blood pressure meds a nice workout, I want to talk about "Ad Ki$$ers."

People on social networking sites like BlogCatalog are probably well-familiar with these folks.

These are the people who leave you private shout messages telling you that they've "ki$$ed" your ads (meaning, purposefully clicked site sponsor ads with no intent to purchase, thus earning the blogger money but cheating advertisers) and that you should do the same for them.

These folks are the least intelligent of the bunch because they tend to neglect certain details. Like the fact that we have tracking software and can actually see they never visited the blog.

And having not visited the blog, they don't realize some of us actually don't have ads fer ki$$in'.

My response to this has been to report them. But not before I leave them a nice non-private message saying I, unlike them, will not engage in click fraud as they had requested.

Better pucker up those Ad Ki$$ing lips to smooch the rosy rear-end of the Google-meister, Spammers! Because you're going to have to do some serious sucking-up to retain your Adwords privileges.

So, there you have it. The battle is on. The eternal fight of good against evil. White hat versus black hat. Spaminator versus Spammer. Shaun of the Dead versus Umbrella Corporation--

Oh. Sorry. That's a different post.

Be careful out there, folks!


Question: What fun with spammers have you had lately?

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Humorbloggers
Humor-blogs

With Friends Like These: Abusive Spam Relationships

Friendship. It means different things to different people. But I am willing to bet you dollars to donuts (mmm.... donuts) that it does not mean what I'm about to describe to you today.

Monday, I was notified I had a message in one of my social media shoutboxes, so I went to see who had popped by.

Turns out, it was someone I'd never seen on the boards before. For purposes of preserving his anonymity, we shall call him... (and yes, this might be a tad subtle, so bear with me on this) ... "Spamboy."

Pretend you have no idea where this is going.

So Spamboy left me a note to tell me that I had an absolutely astounding example of blogkind ("Nice blog.") and that because of it, he felt compelled to extend to me the virtual handshake of online brotherhood ("I frend U, frend me 2").

Naturally, I read this message and, as warm feelings of joy and camaraderie flooded my heart, I did what any self-respecting blogger would do.

I hit the "Spam" button and binned it.

Okay, now fast-forward to ten minutes later.

"You have a Shoutbox message from Spamboy!" said my email.

And I went to my shoutbox expecting to see a query from Spamboy wondering why I reported his note of goodwill and love as spam. When I read:

"Nice blog. I frend U, frend me 2."

Erm, yeah.

So that message was filed accordingly. And I forgot about Spamboy in the click of the report button.

Yup, it was surprisingly easy for me to move on from this relationship. I answered some client questions. I noodled with a bit of text editing and then, about ten minutes later...

"You have a Shoutbox message from Spamboy!" my email told me.

"Oh, I just bet I do."

And there in my shoutbox was a carefully-written note expressing everything Spamboy had been thinking about our long-abiding frend-ship, and how we could make it work:

"Nice blog. I frend U, frend me 2."

At this, I decided to shoutbox Spamboy-- or what was quickly appearing to be Spamboy's Mass Friend Adoration Expression Robot-- regarding the goals and concerns I was developing regarding our bon amie:

"You have spammed me three times now. Please stop."

And then I sent his message into the special container where I store this sort of meaningful correspondence.

Back to the editing. Back to the being a productive citizen and whatnot. Back to a Spamboy-free life.

"You have a Shoutbox message from Spamboy!"

So I raced to my shoutbox--

"Nice blog. I frend-- "

--And hit the "Block" button this time.

"There, Spamboy! Take that! No frend for you! No more Miss Nice Blog! Hit the Internet highway, ya spammer, and don't come back. Ya bother me, kid!"

Phew! I wiped my brow, took a sip of soothing herbal tea, and went back to work. The wonderful thing about social media, you know, is that you are never without recourse. Never without the ultimate control. You always have options to help yourself when issues arise and...

"You have a new blog review!" my email told me.

"A new review? Why, let me go see!! Just who is it that has taken a fancy to the ol' blog site? Who is it that I have reached through consistent posting, whimsy and a well-meaning attempt at general good-eggishness?"

"Nice blog.
I frend U, frend me 2
--Spamboy
http://spamboysspammyspamurl.com"

And the rating? ONE star.

Yup, Spamboy pulled down my perfect five-star rating. It tell ya, with friends like these...

Or maybe he was trying to spell "fiend"?

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Did Spamboy hit your shoutbox recently, too? Do you have a tale of spam and heartache to share? I'd enjoy hearing about it.

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Humor-blogs
Humorbloggers

The Toddler Labor Spam Conspiracy

I have this theory that underworld international spam organizations are actually being manned by technologically-advanced toddler laborers working under pseudonyms. And this is why:


Determination.
Toddlers in the 2-3 year old age range know what they want, and they do not get tired for the asking. A smart toddler can ask "why?" or "are we there yet?" 400 times in succession and not get bored. They rapid-fire these questions in the very same way spammers send spam-- determined to give you their message whether you want it or not.

And spammers don't get bored, either. Why, this weekend, I had a spammer personally spamming my comments by hand (no computer program for him or her!), every couple of hours for a day and a half.

(I got some reprieve during bedtime and what I now believe was naptime.)

Each time he'd post his same spam comment, and each time I'd delete it. If we'd had an actual dialogue, I think it would have gone something like this:

SPAMMER: "Here is my URL in a random message that has nothing to do with your post! Enjoy!"

ME: "Nope. Sorry, pal!" (Delete.)

(Two hours pass.)

SPAMMER: "Okay, how about now?"

ME: "No. Go away." (Delete.)

(Four hours pass.)

SPAMMER: "Now?"

ME: "What about this process isn't getting through to you?" (Delete.)

(Naptime. Six hours pass)

SPAMMER: (Chooses a more obscure post to post the link on.) "Here then?"

ME: "Take a hike." (Delete.)

SPAMMER: (Selects a post far in the Cabbages archives, whining) "Oh, but why NOTTTTTT?"

ME: "Because I said so, that's why!" (Delete.)

Spammers can send you 200 spam in an hour, believing more of them will be more effective. That is toddler thinking for you. Consider how long a toddler is content to kick your chair on an airplane with their cute little shoes.

Spam is like getting repeatedly kicked in the small of the back with tiny pink Keds on a seven hour flight.


Inability to spell.
Children's Hospital of Boston indicates that, developmentally, a 3-year-old toddler can say up to 900 different words. This is all a spammer really needs to get the point across. And note how spammers generally can't spell. We've previously chalked this up to spam originating from countries of fewer educational opportunities across class lines, as well as English not being the spammer's native language. But I think this is, in fact, because many spam programs these days are being implemented by clever toddlers who got Hooked on Phonics and enjoy a bit of extra spending money for those trips to the toy store:

"Boss give hard time? Get new job immeditly now!"

"Be your one boss!"

"Cheep meds for u!"

"Goodiest Cristy Proposal!"

"Prequal ing Loans!"

"Faimilies Loose There Homes a Week!"

Toddlers aren't sticklers for accuracy. Whether it's coloring outside the lines, or general grammar, they're okay with it as long as they think you get the gist of their demands. How different is this from spammers? I think if spam messages were hand-written instead of typed we would see they were written in crayon and all of the Rs would be backwards.


Obsession with genitalia.
Pediatrics guides indicate that toddlers are naturally curious about their bodies, and if left unchecked, they may showcase this at the mall, or at your family reunion picnic.

Spammers are extremely interested in the human body, too. In fact, spammers are happy to share with you far, far more information about their interest in sex-- and genitalia, in general-- than you ever really want to discuss. Size in particular is fascinating to spammers, while we know toddlers also like to compare and contrast.


Self-centered behavior.
Development guides indicate that toddlers view their worlds from a lens that the world revolves around them. It's partially because they have not yet learned to share, or develop the emotional range needed for empathy, and also because up until this time, their parents have catered to their needs to help them grow and thrive.

Spammers are similarly self-centered. Your blog goals, topic, tone and desire to maintain quality are not important to them. Nor is clutter in your In-box. If your email crashes due to too many spam messages, well, them's is just the breaks. Spammers just want to drop their links, and they want to drop them NOW. That is what matters.

How different is this from your average pre-schooler?


So those are the main reason I suspect that toddlers are being leveraged by spam companies for elaborate spamming campaigns. I don't have any solid proof yet, but here's where you folks could help.

Parents of toddlers, if you see your little Timmy or Hannah on the computer doing what you THINK is just doodling in Paint, or playing around at Barbie.com, or watching Baby Einstein videos on Utube... double check that. Is Entourage, Thunderbird or Gmail mysteriously minimized on the screen?

Check the online Trash bin. Are there 400 email sent messages to a blind distribution list with a title like "Bye propertea cheap, good deal!"?

Now check the young'un's piggy bank. Make sure it contains only a small, normal amount of pennies nickels, dimes and quarters one would expect to see in a toddler's bank.

But if you see any paper money over a $50 bill that isn't blue or orange, send me a note, will you? Because then this theory might require further investigation.

This blog post was sponsored by the letter Q.

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