The Snow Removal High Impact Workout

Now, in just four sets of 10 to 45 minutes a day, you can shape up... slim down... and pinch sciatic nerves like never before!

Welcome to the Snow Removal High Impact Workout!

How do you do it? It's simple!..

Just grab our specially-designed ergonomic snow relocation device and push, push, push your way to rock-hard abs...

Stronger, sexier arms...

And smoother skin, exfoliated the natural way-- through rock salt abrasion and 60-mile-per-hour winds!

Unlike other workouts, where one boring session is supposed to burn calories for the whole day, with the Snow Removal High Impact Workout, you get an exhilarating exercise session up to four or more times a day!

Before work....

Before you hop in your car for lunchtime errands....

Back in the car for the commute home...

And before you settle in for the evening!

Yes, with the Snow Removal High Impact Workout, you'll be sweeping, sweating, and shoveling your way to the cut body you'd always dreamed of.

It's the perfect way to fulfill all those New Year's Resolutions to lose weight, look great, and not get sued by fallen pedestrians.

Plus, the Snow Removal High Impact Workout comes with this easy-to-understand instructional video starring renowned fitness trainer Maxie Gluteus, who not only has helped thousands lose weight using this unique method, but her signature unnatural tan makes her easy to locate in a snow bank!

So why wait? Those walks won't shovel themselves. That car can't look like a snowdrift forever. Don't hibernate! Liberate! Order your Snow Removal High Impact Workout in 16 easy payments of $19.95 today!

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New Year's Resolutions for Somebody Else

Well, last year, I'd posted about the things I resolved not to do for 2009.

This year, I've decided to post suggested New Year's Resolutions for people who are not, in fact, me.

See, I know me. I know that I could vow to... oh... eat fewer french fries. Or to exercise for two hours every day. Or to own only one pair of black shoes at a time.

But I also know I'll have forgotten about each and every one of those resolutions by the Ides of March. (Partly, it's because I get distracted, wondering when we stopped using the word "ides" to mean mid-month-- I mean, no one ever tells you your credit card bill is due "ides-ish.")

So, I figure if I want to make some resolutions that are going to fall through anyway, I might as well make them for someone else. Someone who can really use them.

Like this:

• Charlie Sheen. Charlie... dude. Enough with the hookers and wife-beating and weaponry. It's getting old and boring, like Viagra jokes on a long-drawn-out sitcom. (Not that you know anything about that.) Surprise us for 2010. Join a cult or organized religious group or something. It could even successfully spill over into your series: "Two and a Half Monks." You're good at physical comedy, so the vow of silence shouldn't be a problem, plus, it will cut costs in the writing department. Think about it.

• People Who Comment Passionately on News Sites. Did you know that you can make your paranoid rants, non sequiter commentary, and parroted talking points in reaction to news articles even more effective? Well, you can! For 2010, consider learning to spell "losers" and "riddance." "Looser" is what happens to your waistband when you drop a pants size. And "riddens" is just an overzealous misapplication of Hooked on Phonics. Calling a group of people "loosers" is, perhaps, not the way to establish the intellectual credibility you're seeking. I mean, I know you could also avoid name-calling completely and debate the actual issues like an adult. But I recognize that's probably asking a lot. It's "losers." Good "riddance" to them. And you're welcome.
  

• Spammers. Spammers, I understand you're really devoted to your craft. I know you are desperate to have your unsubtle sales messaging nestled into the comments section of my blogs like a happily feasting tick on an overweight Golden Retriever. But did you know that even if, for some reason, I accidentally approve one of those nuggets of nonsense, when you place it on a blog where the audience doesn't read Japanese... or Russian... or French.... or ancient Mesopotamian.... you are, in fact, wasting a spam? So for 2010, why not resolve to actually, oh, do some research on the blogs you're spamming? Spam English-speaking blogs in English. Japanese in Japanese. Don't insert comments responding to a post about technology, when the post is actually about green beans. This is not to say I'll ever approve your comments. But at least you can say you've elevated your game. And that should make you feel all warm and gooey inside. Again, like that tick.

• Jon Gosselin. As the clock hits midnight on New Year's Eve and it ticks through those very first fifteen minutes of 2010, look around you, Jon. Notice the lack of TV cameras directed at you. Observe the place where groupies do not drool. Think about those first fifteen minutes of this new decade. Recognize they are not very much like those fifteen minutes of fame you had back in 2009. And then resolve to stop trying to get them back with manufactured drama that comes off like it's been scripted by a high schooler whose watched too many Melrose Place reruns. Yup, Jon, it's time you leave the attention-getting-with-no-observable-talent to Paris Hilton. It's her Niche Super Power. There can be only One. Move along, sonny.

Well, those are the main Resolutions I'd wanted to offer up. I suppose, in reading this over, I really should step forward, and resolve something myself. Like to be less sarcastic for 2010. But---

Hey, did you ever wonder why we only ever hear about "ides" in relation to March? Did Shakespeare completely corner the market on "ides"?

Oh, sorry-- what was I saying before?

Well, nevermind. Happy New Year to you all! And thanks for helping to make it a great 2009!

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Of Cabbages and Kings New Year's Irresolutions

Here at Of Cabbages and Kings, we always try to take the humor road less traveled. And that means better bloggy gas mileage... fewer speeding tickets... less chance of comedic fender benders... and only the occasional incident of virtual venison on the windshield.

Sometimes we run into Robert Frost as he's hitchhiking... but-- hey-- he's never pressed charges.... So it's all good.

But with the trail less taken, comes the need to avoid the obvious-- including any trendy, overtly-easy holiday themes that would... oh... save me time and free me up for an actual Real Life and stuff.

And that's why today, the management of Cabbages brings to you the one... the only.... our Official 2009 New Year's Irresolutions-- things that I mostly likely, probably, will not ever choose to do in this coming year. Maybe. But I'm figuring no.

I think together, we can learn a lot from this. And perhaps you might even wish to Possibly Not Do some of these things yourself, and improve your life, as well, by their lack.

Or not.

Y'know: whatever.

• I will probably not go out of my way to see more movies starring: CarrotTop, Brad Pitt, Ben Affleck, David Arquette, J-Lo, or Sally Field.
  

• I expect to keep my household a ShamWow-Free Zone.

• Following the infomercial theme, I have a strong sense that I won't be writing OxyClean advertiser Billy Mays for an autograph, and including a lock of my hair in my letter.
  

• After reading Dead Rooster's post, I'm fairly sure that I won't be partaking of the tentacly nosh that is octopus. In fact, I'd like to extend this Irresolution for 2010 and 2011, as well.
  

• Survey says, I will not be getting caught up in a "Family Feud" marathon on TVLand. Also "Full House."
  

• I imagine I probably won't be heading to a third world nation in a private jet to adopt 12 underprivileged children and give press conferences while people discuss what a super mom I am.
  

• Getting meme-tagged is unlikely to make me dance an impromptu Irish reel in my living room. (The living room is small and cramped. Also, based on 2008, most memes smelled like Satan's bottom.)

• I don't expect to become a Scientologist, and I feel couches around me should be relatively safe from any jubilant cushion prancing.

• I won't be mailing Michael Jackson a box of assorted rubber noses, even though, from the looks of things lately, he could use some. (I just think he can buy his own.)

• I will probably still not get or appreciate "How I Met Your Mother" in spite of how many other people seem to adore it. I will remain on the outside looking in.

• I don't fancy that I'll be buying male enhancement drugs or anything related to E.D. from any of the insistent folks who feel I have an underlying need for them. I appreciate they care, but that only goes so far.
  

• I probably won't make any fewer obscure literature references in my blog posts, like Robert Frost getting hit by a car on the Road Less Traveled-- as I'm a giant writing nerd and confusing the heck out of half the population is like cocaine to me.

So tell me folks, what things do you think you are highly unlikely (maybe sorta) of to do in 2009? What are your New Year's Irresolutions?

Thanks to each of you for being so nifty-cool and stopping by here this year. Your visits, comments and general humor have made me genuinely happy every day since I'd decided, way back in February, to give ol' Cabbages a go. It means a lot.

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