With Friends Like These: Abusive Spam Relationships

Friendship. It means different things to different people. But I am willing to bet you dollars to donuts (mmm.... donuts) that it does not mean what I'm about to describe to you today.

Monday, I was notified I had a message in one of my social media shoutboxes, so I went to see who had popped by.

Turns out, it was someone I'd never seen on the boards before. For purposes of preserving his anonymity, we shall call him... (and yes, this might be a tad subtle, so bear with me on this) ... "Spamboy."

Pretend you have no idea where this is going.

So Spamboy left me a note to tell me that I had an absolutely astounding example of blogkind ("Nice blog.") and that because of it, he felt compelled to extend to me the virtual handshake of online brotherhood ("I frend U, frend me 2").

Naturally, I read this message and, as warm feelings of joy and camaraderie flooded my heart, I did what any self-respecting blogger would do.

I hit the "Spam" button and binned it.

Okay, now fast-forward to ten minutes later.

"You have a Shoutbox message from Spamboy!" said my email.

And I went to my shoutbox expecting to see a query from Spamboy wondering why I reported his note of goodwill and love as spam. When I read:

"Nice blog. I frend U, frend me 2."

Erm, yeah.

So that message was filed accordingly. And I forgot about Spamboy in the click of the report button.

Yup, it was surprisingly easy for me to move on from this relationship. I answered some client questions. I noodled with a bit of text editing and then, about ten minutes later...

"You have a Shoutbox message from Spamboy!" my email told me.

"Oh, I just bet I do."

And there in my shoutbox was a carefully-written note expressing everything Spamboy had been thinking about our long-abiding frend-ship, and how we could make it work:

"Nice blog. I frend U, frend me 2."

At this, I decided to shoutbox Spamboy-- or what was quickly appearing to be Spamboy's Mass Friend Adoration Expression Robot-- regarding the goals and concerns I was developing regarding our bon amie:

"You have spammed me three times now. Please stop."

And then I sent his message into the special container where I store this sort of meaningful correspondence.

Back to the editing. Back to the being a productive citizen and whatnot. Back to a Spamboy-free life.

"You have a Shoutbox message from Spamboy!"

So I raced to my shoutbox--

"Nice blog. I frend-- "

--And hit the "Block" button this time.

"There, Spamboy! Take that! No frend for you! No more Miss Nice Blog! Hit the Internet highway, ya spammer, and don't come back. Ya bother me, kid!"

Phew! I wiped my brow, took a sip of soothing herbal tea, and went back to work. The wonderful thing about social media, you know, is that you are never without recourse. Never without the ultimate control. You always have options to help yourself when issues arise and...

"You have a new blog review!" my email told me.

"A new review? Why, let me go see!! Just who is it that has taken a fancy to the ol' blog site? Who is it that I have reached through consistent posting, whimsy and a well-meaning attempt at general good-eggishness?"

"Nice blog.
I frend U, frend me 2

And the rating? ONE star.

Yup, Spamboy pulled down my perfect five-star rating. It tell ya, with friends like these...

Or maybe he was trying to spell "fiend"?

Did Spamboy hit your shoutbox recently, too? Do you have a tale of spam and heartache to share? I'd enjoy hearing about it.



Meg said...

I just got a friend request from AverageMetroJoe and I befriended him because he's hot. Obviously I can't give advice on this one. ;)

Karen said...

I got invited to be frends by someone named XXX. Try to guess who all HIS 'frends' were. Yeah. Now I get about 15 e-mails a day, IN JAPANESE, which are presumably inquiring as to whether I'd like to increase the size of my penis or maybe increase my performance time...it's hard to tell, as I don't read Japanese. I made the colossal mistake of writing back 'I Only Speak ENGLISH, and I'm FEMALE, Stop E-mailing Me You Stupid Bastards' which increased my e-mails from them considerably.

Unknown said...

Prefers Her Fantasy Life- Is he really hot, though, or is he some spam dude hiding under the photo of Mr. Handsome? See, that's where things get disappointing. Best of luck with it, though. :) Let us know what happens.

Karen- OH NO! You'll be getting spam mail in Japanese for the rest of you're life, I'm afraid! I love how spammers don't even care if you're in their target market, or if they've annoyed the crap out of you. For some reason they think if they barrage you with things you'll hate, you'll eventually buy from them. It's an unusual marketing tactic. :)

Anonymous said...

I've had success with BlogCatalog that when I get such an aggressive spammer, I've got a Tiger (Dan) on my side.
The response has always been very good.

I don't get a lot of spam in my Inbox but one particular kind of spam I get is from mosque groups I signed up for years ago. I've tried several times to get them to remove my e-mail from their database but no avail.

I went as far as writing a thretening e-mail to a respected Muslim College (they're known worldwide) to get them stop sending me their "Discounted course offers".
In return, I got a one line reply saying "We are sorry for your inconvinience"

I still see their e-mails in my GMail Spam.
Thanks for going the job Google !

Unknown said...

Jaffer- Oh NICE! Sounds like someone isn't properly managing their mailing lists!

Yes, normally Dan is really good about seeing the spam stuff and having a little chat or something with the spammers. But normally, they're also not Serial Spammers. This was the most spam I've had from one guy in the shortest amount of time, in the whole two years I've been a part of BC. So, ya know, credit where credit is due. :)

ReformingGeek said...

I've been pretty lucky so far but I had one guy contact me and ask if I was married.....

Most of the spam I get is via my email. I've "signed up" for so much crap that I think all the spammers now have my email address. I get stuff from the UK, Nigeria, and "banks" asking for my personal information and I've usually won something. I've also been asked to purchase something/someone with this opening "Me loves you all night"!

Anonymous said...

Great. Now I just hope you don't take any of my recent Twitter messages a la Vote for Me On Humor-Blogs.com as spam. Of course, I think I only said it once. Oh, wait, I said it again. Dang it! Hope you'll still be my friend. I'm not your friend because you friend me. I'm your friend because I like your posts. I tell everyone and I do mean everyone, "Read Of Cabbages and Kings". I walk down the street and meet people saying, "Have you heard of Jenn Thorson? Well..." Okay, you get the idea.

Unknown said...

Reforming- Heh, asking you if you're married isn't exactly your average spammer-- unless he followed it up with, "Does your husband need Viagra?" :)

And as for, "Me loves you all night"... Who is he, some obscene Cookie Monster? :)

Unfinished... dude... CALM down. Less caffeine for you, my friend. It's starting to affect your blogging. :)

Da Old Man said...

It's funny, I just got a brand new message, from Spamboy's best bud, SpamCuz.
He went to entrecard. After extolling the many virtues of my blog, he let me know he clicked on all my ads, and would I be a Spambud, and do the same for him?

SpamGirl has been visiting me every few days, too.
I think she really likes me, and we may have a future together. I'll let you know.

Unknown said...

Da Old Man- How NICE of SpamCuz to have clicked all of your ads which you don't, in fact, have on your site. I mean, how amazing is that? The ads you don't have have been pre-clicked! Now THAT's efficient.

I won't tell Mrs. Crotchety about Spamgirl. That's for you three to sort out. :)

Lidian said...

To think of all the fun I am missing on these social media thingies!

I do apparently have quite a lot of fortunes tied up in foreign banks though, or so I'm told...

RecycleCindy said...

While I'm sorry you had such spamming experience with this "spamboy", your post was hilariously funny. Hopefully he can get put back into whatever spam can he came out and never bother you or anyone else at BC again. Well, at least we can hope, right?

Unknown said...

Lidian- Ah, well, um, none in Nigeria, I hope? :)

Cindy- I think once the can is opened, it's all-out from there. :) But it's an awfully nice thought!

JD at I Do Things said...

Oh, that's funny. I haven't had anyone as persistent as Spamboy (tho, Meg: I am also Average MetroJoe's friend, so there), but I do get the annoying suggestions to exchange links with a variety of spammy sites. Um, no.

Great post.

JD at I Do Things

Unknown said...

JD- Okay, now I'm going to have to find this Average MetroJoe and see what all the fuss is about. My curiosity is piqued!!

Babs (Beetle) said...

I got a really nasty comment on my photo blog today. Really nasty, and I have no idea why, or who he is. I was going to answer him and then I thought, why bother and allow him to think that he upset me. Is that classed as spam?

Unknown said...

Babs- Sheesh, it's no class at all, is what it is. I don't blame you a bit for not responding. I don't understand the mentality that feels better about themselves by ripping other peoples' little happinesses down. I'm sorry.

eve cleveland said...

I thought Average Metro Joe only had keyboard for me :( I feel like an idiot! He is so hot.
Most of my problems are from Facebook. Jeez, don't get me started. If I wanted that much work, I would not have quit the Junior Leauge.

Static said...

Spamboy has left me the usual 3 billion msgs.. 'nice blog I add u u add me k thx bye' krap on more than one occasion. I've tolerated it simply for the entertainment value he provides. Knowing he's just waiting for me to take him up on his wanton invitations, and I never respond. I can only imagine what goes through his head.."why isn't he adding me already?!"

Spamboy certainly has gotten to all us bloggers by now. He's an expert on everything from, intestinal blockage to world travel to exploding goats.
And he spends his spare time online at an Internet Addicts support group and at Spamaholics.com

Can you say, LOSER.

Hey Spamboy, f@%k off. I'll not give in to your greedy little needs, you annoying twit. Go jump into a snake pit and play Twister with the rattlesnakes. And I thank you. That was quite therapeutic.

Adullamite said...

Nice blog. u 2 me 2?

(I have an axe waiting for things like this. I'll give them a 'Merry Christmas!' Ho Ho Ho!

Average MetroJoe is a 53 yr old female in disguise, called S-P-A-M.

Unknown said...

Eve- Go easy on yourself-- avatars are SO fickle these days.

Static- I'm so glad you were able to get that off your chest. It sounded weighty. And, erm, painful. And sums up pretty well how I feel about 'em, too. We're all about therapy and closure here at Cabbages. :)

Adullamite- Heh, now you've dashed their hopes. They may never recover.

Unknown said...

"Nice blog. I frend U, frend me 2"

Darn, Graham has already used this joke...

Oh, well, in for a penny...


(I wish I had more blogs to put here, but this is it).


Unknown said...

Mulled- I don't know whether to laugh or weep at this one.

Ah, irony-- it is a stinky cologne. :)

One Hypo said...

Reminds me of some of the guys I encounter. "No" means no.

Robert Crane said...

well, hling99 isn't really a spammer but she has the busiest phylanges this side of a one armed stenographer. whenever i go dashboard, she's adding friends and favorites left and right.
(and i always thought hling and i had something special, oh well).

Unknown said...

One Hypo- Ah, but the 437th time will be different, right? Right??!! :)

Bob- Sniff, sob... I'm sorry to hear that your virtual friendship means so little to her... Gosh, the virtual world is fickle. :)

Chat Blanc said...

i'll be brief--spamboy is EVIL! :D

Da Old Man said...

SpamGirl just left me a note asking me to visit and click her. Should I let her know I'm married?
I don't want to lead her on.

Unknown said...

Chat Blanc- Tell us how you really feel, Sandy. :) And hey, I thought you LIKED evil??

Da Old Man- I think it's probably better to be up front about these things, yes. She'll be disappointed, yes, but she'll learn... she'll grow... she'll move on.

Anonymous said...

Speaking of spam have you been on the CL site lately? Talk about posting to a dead audience! I'm not even reporting them to Rex, what's the point? LOL

Unknown said...

Chyna- No, I haven't been over there since we all migrated. I'm not surprised, though-- this time of year, the spammers get fiesty. :)

MYM said...


Gotta give him "A" for persistence! Or ... more likely he can't read English.

Anyway - been there! LOL

Unknown said...

Drowsey- I WAS wondering whether he didn't take my "please spamming me" shoutbox message as a friendly "Hey howya doin'?" due to not actually knowing a lot of English...