Spam Random Delusional Compliment Generator- And Fingerpuppet Show

Everyone loves a good compliment, and spammers know it. So today's most innovative spam comments are laying it on thick, with lavish praise, fawning adoration, linky love... and an unrepentant and merry ignorance of context.

I've been getting this one lately:

Hi everybody. i would just like to make an introduction to everyone at www.cabbagesnkings.net Your forum is good! Generally when I visit forums I just come across crap, but this time I was really surprised, finding great information. Keep this fantastic effort up?? Visit CYOOT-HANDMADE-FINGERPUPPETS4KIDS.SPAM!

Ah, so kind, so detailed, so good for the self-esteem... If, y'know, this was real, a forum, or I'd planned to share vital finger puppet resources with my online buds.

I hadn't realized the finger puppet market was such that, like certain prescription meds of a personal nature, there were advantages to seeking them out through quiet, blackmarket spam puppeteering channels.

The nervous single man living in Mom's basement, pulling some strings to get rare illicit marionettes...

The schoolmarm with a rep to uphold, sticking her hand in underworld dealings for a knockoff Kermit.

Of course, "fingerpuppets" is probably a metaphor for something else far less yarn-and-felt based. I didn't click the link to find out.

Knowing the truth, you see, would ruin the images I've been enjoying of a secret underground Fight Club-styled Muppet Show, where you only get in if you pay a few under-the-table bucks to Scooter.

"What happens in Muppet Show, stays in Muppet Show. Now... Time to put on make-up and dress up right."

But I digress.

Because of the plug-and-play nature of the spam lately, I've been wondering whether these newfangled spammers don't have some sort of Random Delusional Compliment Generator for their comments.

Sort of a Mad Libs version for spam. They could input the top hundred or so insincere compliments and commentary into their database...

Keep it up!

Great forum!

I learned a lot.

Lots of good information here!

I love it here. I disagree with everything you said in this post.

(Some mixed messaging with that last guy. He's a wild card.)

I am a new first-time reader and am happy to meet everyone.

I have read all of your posts for a while now and will be back often.

And then they put it all together at will-- a mix-and-match for rich and exciting new spamitization in endless variety!

Lots of good information here I disagree with. Hi everyone, i am a new first-time reader and have read all of your posts for a while now and buy fingerpuppets hot blondes hot blond fingerpuppets. Great forum keep it up www.misspiggygoeshogwild.spam

Oh, I know it wouldn't improve the quality of spam we receive...

But hey, if I have to take the time to Not-Approve it, at the very least, it should be entertaining.

(Pssst, Scooter, here's that $20 I owe you. This week's secret password is "mnah-mnah")

Spamming the Classics

Folks who follow me on Twitter might have read me talk about my recent onslaught of spam comments every hour on the hour, featuring the many exciting facets of multi-layered personality, Kim Kardashian.

Oh, we learn in fragmented English about her incomparable beauty, her friends, her personal vulnerabilities, her unique style and, of course, all of this links to shots of her in her birthday suit.

So on any given day, I can reject upwards of 20 of these Ode to Kim comments.

Earlier, it had been Carrie Prejean, the beauty contestant who caused a big hubbub by taking an anti-gay stance because of her strong Christian values... Until her Birthday Suit photos went public.

The spammers are fickle. They transfer their affections easily.

Anyway, it got me thinking about how these spam folks tend to focus on really the lowest common denominator when it comes to their favorite babes. We always are inundated with these no-talent, fifteen-minute-famers out there, built up to be some all-enduring Aphrodite for the Ages, in and out of Juicy Couture yoga pants.

Now what I'd enjoy seeing-- just to mix things up a little-- is spam promoting something with a little more longevity. Say:

Naughty Pablo Piccaso Senoritas bare it all! Watch Girl Before a Mirror in a very private moment, only before seen in museums! Her naked breasts may be wonky, but she's got style to spare and she's waiting for you!

Or maybe:

Your screen will sizzle as you download a tale of one hot desperate housewife getting it on with the local clergy in never-before-seen behind-barn-doors Puritanical action! Yes, it's Nathaniel Hawthorne's, The Scarlet Letter! Click here to view.

Or even:

It was banned. It was burned. This is the film based on the book no one wanted you to see...

To Kill a Mockingbird. Watch wanton hussies inviting you in to "bust up their chiffarobe"! In this steamy south, anything can happen!

A little spam variety. That's all I ask.

Oh, I still won't approve it. But a gal can only hear so much about the gorgeousness and all-around perfection that is Kim Kardashian before she starts to get just a tad jealous.

So what's your most entertaining spam?

--------------------------------------------------
PS- Folks, just as a heads-up, I'm taking Friday off from Cabbages and will resume posting again next week. My bud Josette of Thorson/HADLEY heavy metal fame is visiting over the holiday weekend and I've decided to give myself a mini-vacation from blogging as well.

Hope you all have a great Memorial Day!

The Which Type of Spammer Would You Be? Career Quiz

In these tough economic times, many people are making ends meet by taking multiple jobs or shifting careers.

• But do you know the one innovative industry that is impervious to market ups and downs?

• Have you investigated the one area which continues to thrive, offering a surprisingly wide array of exciting careers for the self-starting go-getter?

• Have you looked into the only occupation where all you need is determination, an email account and a good old-fashioned lack of ethics and boundaries?

Yes, you can enjoy a lucrative and adventurous career in the Spam Industry!

But how do you know what type of Spamming would be right for you? Just take this quick and insightful quiz from the Clogg & Cheetham Institute for Artful Spamming Technology.

At Clogg & Cheetham, in just six weeks, you'll be trained in the Spamming area of your choice, by a Certified Spam Consultant. In no time, you'll be meeting new people by blocking up Inboxes, selling the goods you know people really want but are too afraid to ask for, and offering Network Administrators real job security by the constant influx of new mass-mailed messaging.

Don't wait! Find out what kind of Spamming is right for you, and soon you'll be on your way to a profitable new career-- without ever having to leave your home.

Start the quiz now!

1.) In social situations, like a party, you tend to:
a.) Find a topic you enjoy discussing and examine it from every angle for the duration of the party to anyone within earshot
b.) Use it as an opportunity to discuss the political challenges facing your beautiful yet hopelessly corrupt Nigerian nation
c.) Let loose with whatever stream of consciousness comes to mind.
d.) Change the topic to whatever you had planned, regardless of context

2.) In your spare time, you like to:
a.) Stalk celebrities, take photos of them in compromising positions and post them online
b.) Spend time visiting relatives, who have been wrongly imprisioned due to their noble political aspirations
c.) Read snippets of novels and news articles. While you get bored after a few paragraphs, you feel this keeps you up on the latest literature and current events.
d.) Sell, sell, sell. There is never spare time for you. Money does not grow on trees, you know.


3.) If you had a personal motto, it would be:
a.) I like Paris Hilton in the springtime. I like Paris Hilton in the Fall.
b.) For just the cost of a cup of coffee, you could help one imprisioned member of the Nigerian Royal Family buy his way to a brighter future
c.) It was the best of times, it was call me Ishmael.
d.) A sucker's born every minute.


Congratulations! You have completed the Clogg & Cheetham Institute for Artful Spamming Technology Career Quiz. Now let's learn what the right spamming career track would be for you!

If you chose mostly a.) then you won't want to miss our Celebrity Spam major. Whether it's Paris Hilton, Kim Kardashian or any of our other beautiful and talented phenoms of the Hollywood and social scene, you will share the latest news, insights and birthday suit photos over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again in blog comments, on forums, and so, so much more.

If you chose mostly b.) then our Someday My Prince Will Come spam major is the metaphorical glass slipper for your career foot. This is your opportunity to help out the less fortunate royalty deposed and neglected in third-world nations-- and to meet great new people with big hearts and even bigger bank accounts!

If you chose mostly c.) then you might be the right fit for our Literary OCD/Stream of Consciousness spam track. It's the perfect opportunity to learn a little bit of everything, while never burdening your brain with too much information.

And if you chose mostly d.) you are the perfect candidate for our Soulless Sociopathic Special program. You'd take pennies from the sticky hands of daycare kids. You'd bleed your own grandmother dry and not even blink an eye. Yes, you have what it takes to sell products that don't exist to people who don't have the money to pay for them. You have a wide world of opportunity ahead of you! The sky's the limit!


So whether you're an A, a B, a C, or a D, you're all winners at Clogg & Cheatham. Find your new rewarding career with us--- Apply today!

Haiku for My Japanese Spammer

Remember the old days when spammers just used robots to spread their life-changing messages of tungsten wedding rings, all-natural erectile dysfunction drugs, conspiracy theories, and Nigerian princes in peril?

They were so impersonal. So detached. So... off-the-shelf.

But every now and then, some innovative spammer looks at the state of spamming today, and decides to avoid all the cold, calculated spamming hustle-bustle. Yes, she determines to take a more hand-crafted spam approach.

This is a person who truly appreciates the subtleties of the spamming art. Who knows that irritating the hell out of a blogger takes time, a gentle hand, and adding a new spam message daily in a language that said blogger not only cannot filter out, but cannot read.

This passes the torch to the blogger, sparking another lost craft-- the need to take a thoughtful moment to hand-delete that new message. Every. Single. Frigging. Day.

It hearkens back to a simpler time, really.

Regular readers know that I have been the recipient of this regular spamly gifting, from a spam artist in Japan, whose agenda-- according to the Babelfish translator-- seems to be some sort of woo-woo psychobabble. And as we are now approaching, oh, the second month of this intercultural exchange, I have now been moved to another art form-- haiku-- in her honor.

I started with this one, but while it captured some of my feelings, it didn't quite say all that it needed to:

Inbox reveals you
Anger flows like heavy rain
Mouse clicks 'Delete'

Then I decided to try encouraging my spam artist into a more productive direction...

Eyes see. Mind reads not.
Kanji sits so alone here
Spammer finds new friends

I hoped to use a metaphor she might understand...

Culture is cuisine
Flavors please... unite
Yet Spam tastes of hoof and snout

And then I just decided to stop beating around the bush...

Japanese spammer
Blood pressure you raise so high
Knock it off, will ya?

Just doing what I can to keep the art alive in blogging, don'tchaknow.

------------------------------------

Today's question: have I missed any important angles I should be embracing in this ode to my persistent fan of the spam?

--------------------------------------
Humorbloggers
Humor-blogs

Ad Ki$$ers, Keyword Infesters and Other Spamiliciousness

Spammers are getting crafty. And not in a "Let's Weave Baskets Together Kumbaya" sort of way.

No, this is an "Every Day We're Devising New Methods to Force-Feed Your Quality Blog with Our Virtual Pork Snouts and Hooves and Clog its Arteries Like Those of an Obese Comedian on Big Macs and Speed" sort of way.

My patience is thinning.

The Spam's about to hit the fan.

Yep, these purveyors of processed pig parts are increasingly determined to make their messaging mine, and in any way they can. So instead of using robot messages, which get filtered out, they've found exciting new tricks to give their Spam a more individualized, hand-crafted, personalized touch.

Well, thanks for the thought, Spammers, but I don't take well to other people trying to foist crappy marketing on me, thinking I won't notice. I mean, I'm in marketing. I can add crappy content of my own, thankyouverymuch.

Yesterday, some yahoo who called himself "Phillip" decided my If Top Gear Tested Heelys Shoe Skates post-- in order to be 105% more Spamilicious-- needed the following comment:

"Sneaker Skates by Surfer being sold on ebay size 8"

Oh, really, Phillip? REALLY, PHILLIP?! My GOD, thank you for letting me know!

See, now, months after I'd posted that post which was NOT AT ALL about my need for sneaker skates unless I could get Richard Hammond to wear them, and maybe roll up and down the track for me just a little but that wasn't the point so where was I?...

Oh yes-- months later I see you, Phillip, do a Google search on "shoe skate comments" and decide to inject your little Ebay ad into the fun.

And, you know, the thing that annoyed me even more was-- it doesn't even try to be chatty!

Go take your shoe skates and enjoy a long roll off a short pier, Phillip.

Of course, this is on the heels of my battle with the Keyword Infesters.

These are businesses who-- either through bad SEO advice or by wholly uncaring intent-- have started showing up in the comments section of a blog like a cloud of locusts.

There they leave comments where their usernames are not legit business or blog names. No. They're all SEO keywords to lead to their own blogs when people do Google searches. That means, if left untouched, the comment section gets littered with commentary from "readers" like:

Good Plumbers, MA

Or:

Comfortable Socks

Or:

Electricians in Georgia

Or:

Excellent Quality Shorts

Not only is it extremely irritating to be used so cheaply and blatantly for keyword traffic, but it's impossible to have a rational discussion about anything with someone called Excellent Quality Shorts.

Into the bin with you all! Be gone, Ye Spammy Offenders!

And lastly, while I'm giving my blood pressure meds a nice workout, I want to talk about "Ad Ki$$ers."

People on social networking sites like BlogCatalog are probably well-familiar with these folks.

These are the people who leave you private shout messages telling you that they've "ki$$ed" your ads (meaning, purposefully clicked site sponsor ads with no intent to purchase, thus earning the blogger money but cheating advertisers) and that you should do the same for them.

These folks are the least intelligent of the bunch because they tend to neglect certain details. Like the fact that we have tracking software and can actually see they never visited the blog.

And having not visited the blog, they don't realize some of us actually don't have ads fer ki$$in'.

My response to this has been to report them. But not before I leave them a nice non-private message saying I, unlike them, will not engage in click fraud as they had requested.

Better pucker up those Ad Ki$$ing lips to smooch the rosy rear-end of the Google-meister, Spammers! Because you're going to have to do some serious sucking-up to retain your Adwords privileges.

So, there you have it. The battle is on. The eternal fight of good against evil. White hat versus black hat. Spaminator versus Spammer. Shaun of the Dead versus Umbrella Corporation--

Oh. Sorry. That's a different post.

Be careful out there, folks!


Question: What fun with spammers have you had lately?

-------------------------------------------
Humorbloggers
Humor-blogs