Kooky Clem's Oddity Attic

Howdy! Kooky Clem here! And welcome to Kooky Clem's Oddity Attic, your "one-stop source for the stuff wives won't let ya hang in the living room if company's a-comin'."

And hooo-WEE! Do I have some deals for you today!

Now, I know, y'all were saddened... ya were broken-hearted... ya were a-wailin' and a-nashin' because ya missed out on last month's 100% hand-crafted and original example of Renaissance oil paintin' art-- big eyed pig-dog with a Carol Channing wig. But like everything else here at Kooky Clem's, regrettably there was only one. And that one went to Mrs. Ralph Murdock of 15 Horny Hollow Road, Girty, Pennsylvania for the unbelievably low price of just $17.50.

I understand from Mrs. Murdock that, as we speak, this masterpiece on velvet is hanging proudly in her guest bathroom over the needlepoint tissue cozy on the back of the john in the shape of a Southern Bell doll.

So congratulations to you, Mrs. Murdock, on your selection of a fine piece of art that not only will give folks something to look at when they're on the can, but will only appreciate over time!

Whenever I flush, I will think of you and that painting.

But don't you other folks worry. Kooky Clem has two all-new deals for you! First, for those animal enthusiasts out there...

Ya say ya feel sad when ya see those big doe eyes of your average deer trophy a-lookin' down on ya from over the La-Z-Boy sectional.

Ya say ya still want to Bring the Outdoors In, and you want to make the sophisticated statement that only hanging dead wildlife on the wall can truly bring...

Well, do I have the solution to your problems! With this stylish new Deer Butt wall trophy, you reenact all the excitement of the hunt, with none of them guilty glass eyes staring at ya...

Yes, this astounding piece of once-living sculpture reflects the Native American's tradition for using every part of the animal. So, as those hippies in the press are so fond of sayin' these days, it's eco-friendly!

And just think of the conversation it'll spur on when you entertain yer guests on Coors 'n Cards night. Oh, yer friends... they know a good thing when they see it. So why not impress them all to hell with this slice o' deer ass artistic heaven?

Just $18 to ol' Kooky Clem, and soon when the neighborhood thinks "deer's patooti," they'll think of you, with this symbol of your good taste and refinement!

But, remember, there's only one available, so act quickly!

And if ya happen to miss out on that beauty, I have one last item today I think yer gonna just go a little bananas over...

See, what we have here is an original, gen-u-wine, authenticated with provenance like they have on that there Roadshow, plastic banana chandelier, once owned by none other than Calypso great himself, Harry Belefonte...
Why, you may not know it, but he wrote that there Day-O song for the Beetlejuice soundtrack about this very light fixture!

It's made of real polyurethane yeller bananas pressed in factories right in Jamaica. And it's wrapped with actual handpicked, handwoven hemp rope. So if Buck Duggan's little secondary crop hiding there in the cornfield gets spotted by the DEA choppers again this year, you still got yourself some options.

Yessir, this here is the original Electric Banana.

So don't wait! Come on down to Kooky Clem's and make us a deal! Our trained in-house interiors designer-- my wife Ruthie Mae Jane-- says something like this would work hella good in most any DE-cor, but it would compliment yer lava lamps and Skynrd posters real nice, in particulars.

And, hey, if you got something special on your wish list, don't y'all hesitate to drop me a comment and ask.

We got all sorts of amazing goods here in the Oddity Attic, some o' which we haven't seen ourselves in years, on account of our need for expansion and the layer of dust we mistook for our missing dog, Otis.

So if you have particular needs in the Oddity department, let us know and I'll set Ruthie up with the miner's hat, some protective gear, and a length of rope, and we'll dig it up for ya from one of our packed-to-the-rafters storerooms.

I look forward to assistin' you!

Uncle Fuzzy's House of Inebriated Ungulates

"Mi, mi, mi, miiiiiiii!" That was what I expect to hear come out of their furry lips.

Or-- given there are three of them-- perhaps a barbershop trio routine. Three-part harmony, with feeling. A rousing chorus of "Down by the Old Mill Stream," "Shine on Harvest Moon," or if they were feeling cheeky, some Skynrd.

Yes, each year, on Labor Day, I'm invited to a hotdog roast at the home of my best friend's uncle. A tranquil location in the country, chock full of Nature with a capital N. We spend the day with pigs and cows and horses and cats and turkey vultures and hawks and a corpulent hound dog with a taste for root beer and ice cream, particularly if it's in your unwatched dishware.

But it's the animals of the non-living variety that yearly have me in stitches.

You see, in "Uncle Fuzzy's" well-appointed trailer (and yes, he goes by "Fuzzy," I am so not making that up), on one solitary living room wall... In a home otherwise sparse for decor except the occasional John Deere home fashion item...

Yes, there, looming above a small sofa, there is the trio of which I spoke. They are the heads of three very unlucky deer. And they are like none I've ever set eyes on before.

I mean, this is Western Pennsylania, so I have seen my share of taxidermied animals. The rearing squirrel... The wary fox... the thoughtful moose...

And the deer, they usually have that proud beauty... Or, would, rather, if they weren't actually dead.

Alert... Yet with a placid gentility. Their expression shines through warm brown glass eyes.

Uncle Fuzzy's deer are not like this. For whatever reason-- whether his taxidermist has a morbid sense of humor or is losing his faculties with age... Whether the deer were having a little tete-a-tete when they met their unfortunate end, or rigor mortis had already set in—

For whatever reason, Uncle Fuzzy's deer look like they've been participating in a raucus woodland cocktail party where the grass and berries fermented and had a bit of a kick.

Rather than their long necks looking forward, attentive, nature at its most noble, these deer are looking all different directions, this one's head cocked to the side a bit like he's listening to the bawdy joke from the one on his left...

That one wondering whether he should trot on over to the bar for a fourth Deer Park Water and Whiskey.

Singularly, they would be whimsical.

As a collective, it's like Animatronic Hell.

No matter where you stand in the room, they are the largest thing in it. And as they hang there together, one great reddish brown energetic crowd-- they eyeball, they consider, they raise deerly eyebrows in hammy ways and seem like they're a second away from offering guests a frosty beverage.

It's like walking into the set for George Harrison's "I Got My Mind Set On You" video. Except the props are all half-mad and slurring.

Part of me always finds itself thinking it's a good thing they really are just heads. Because with bodies, they'd be off filming each other doing Jackass-like stunts, daring each other to stand in the road in headlights and play chicken with the oncoming cars.

Or challenging each other to jump over fences while inebriated. Or trying to work a shotgun between the three of 'em to just give the locals a taste of what it's like.

But, you know, I guess the nice thing is that even when Uncle Fuzzy is between girlfriends, he's never really alone. He can settle back on his couch after a hard day of farming, put his feet up, his obese hound at his feet, pop in a video and the five of them can enjoy a comfortable night in.

Sure, the deer might turn every film into an episode of Mystery Science Theater. I wouldn't doubt it for a minute.

But it never gets dull at Uncle Fuzzy's perpetual stag party.

Deer Stalkers and DoeTube

Stealth... Subtlety... And surveillance technology. This is the style-- the secret passion-- of today's Deer-American population.

Yet, most humans are unaware of the rich lives these deer lead along our nation's highways... in our forests... in our very own backyards. Many are unaware how they put our personal privacy at risk.

Today, in an Of Cabbages and Kings' Very Special Report, we'll expose the dark, disturbing world of DoeTube and its fans. This is a forest of organized thrill-seeking and black humor, pandering to the sickest side of human-deer relations, where the competition for the best digital material is as stiff as a buck on the bumper...

But where the lulz are on us.

Little did we suspect these deer aren't the innocent little creatures we thought they were. The cute ear-twitching we see in that graceful fawn in our backyard? Bugs, yes-- but state-of-the-art inner-ear audio and video recording equipment... Barely visible to the naked eye.

Eating the heads off all of our bulb plants in the backyard?... Not the random hunger of one of our wildlife friends, but munchies while on a lengthy stake-out of your home, waiting for you to bring DoeTube the funny.

The deers' very existence has been so traditionally innocuous, it gives them a terrifyingly unexpected advantage. They catch us in our most private moments. Rendezvous stolen in Lovers' Lanes... Drunk hunters falling out of tree stands and shooting their buddies.... Drivers weaving down backroads while on the cellphone, putting on lipstick and driving with the knees...

They see into our hearts, our minds, our souls, and also the windows of our B&Bs while we're coming out of the shower naked...

(credit to Kathy of The Junk Drawer for this photo)

"Oh, but it's okay, it's just a deer..."

Ah, but is it? Is it really?

Or maybe it's footage in the making for DoeTube's sinister snickering. The three minute film that helps these great racked fiends rack-up points among their peers.

Says one DoeTube member who prefers to remain anonymous, "People think we just spend our days gamboling around the meadows and hanging out with rabbits. But it's all I can do to keep from bursting out laughing when half-wit humans spot me, and coo and whisper like they're having some meaningful spiritual connection with nature. I made a highly-rated montage of it...

"I also have some good footage of 12 soused rednecks accidentally shooting each other in their tails. It won a Bambi award, DoeTube's highest honor."

Of course, this hobby of theirs is not without its share of dangers. More than one pitch-black chase scene has resulted in an violent end of twisted metal and sacrifice. Deer in headlights? Yes. But only because they got caught in the middle of filming.

The pastime has its price.

I hope as a result of this report, readers of Of Cabbages and Kings have gained a better understanding of the furry white underbelly of mockery, sarcasm and rage that bounds within the wild kingdom.

But take hart. The key to prevention is awareness. Remember, by keeping your eyes peeled for these miscreants of the meadows, you can help prevent one more human from being the butt of yet another buck's jokes.

You can help keep the stag at bay.

I hope those of you who have been victims of this growing subculture will share your stories here with us today. So those who have been violated by Doetube's practices can gain a sense of community and closure. And by banding together, we can generate even more awareness for this breach in personal privacy rights.

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Humorbloggers
Humor-blogs

More Monkeying Around at the Zoo

Hi-- meet my Uncle Lou. This is him, just about asleep in the chair in front of the TV, after Thanksgiving dinner... Boy, can that fellow put the candied yams AWAY.

Okay, yes, I am kidding you. This is not my Uncle Lou.... This is Uncle HENRY. They just look a lot alike.

Henry is always the one with the red nostrils.

But we're not here today to talk about my relatives. We're here to commune with the beauty of nature. (Read: put silly captions to zoo photos.) So let's get started.

Picture it, we're deep in the heart of Africa, and the lion and his mate have settled down for a long, restful sleep...


"GASP! Leo, are you awake? I heard something. I think there's a burglar..."



(Sigh) "Lena, fer Pete's sake, we go through this every single day... FINE. I'll go check it out."...



"When the zebra fell over dead, its fellow zoo inhabitants were none too surprised. He'd always been the type for dramatic exits..."



"Hi! Have you seen Nemo? Maybe he went this way..."



Meet the next America's Top Model...



"Shhh, don't look now, but don't you think Bambi seems to be putting on a lot of weight lately?... And just LOOK at what she's done to her hooves..."



"Hi- I'm looking for a clownfish. He's orange..."



"I'm here, Dory."



"...And small..."


"HERE, Dory..."


"And he has stripes..."



"I'M HERE!!!!"


"Nevermind, maybe he went this way..."



"Snowflake was all set to win the first official Polar Bear Mavericks of Surf Competition..."


"Until another surfer struck him in the back of the kneecap..."



"Sweetie, come BACK here. You have a little schmutz. Let me just get that..."

• Oh, while I remember, for those who missed Part One of the Zoo photos, click here.

• For those who missed this week's tale of clown fear, red lightbulbs and why Poltergeist seems to have scarred an entire generation, click here.

• And for anyone curious to check out some unexpected celebrity lookalikes, you might get a chuckle here.

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Lions and tigers and Humor-blogs, oh my!

Pennsylvania Smith and the Lost Gardens of Kitschylawn

With Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull coming out soon, my thoughts have turned to those of adventure, archaeology… and goose-shaped lawn ornaments.

Er... I probably should explain.

It's spring, and the neighborhood lawns are being trimmed, dug, planted and bedazzled with popular yard decor. And it occurred to me-- as I was tucking a plastic cherub behind a shrubbery myself-- that thousands of years from now, we’re going to be judged by these things we showcased. Our ancestors will look at our lawns and gardens and everything in them as a microcosm of our culture. And it's going to be pretty freakin' hard to explain some of this stuff.

So join me today, at that very moment when the leading archaeologist of the far future—we’ll call him Dr. Howard "Pennsylvania" Smith-- holds his first press conference to tell the world about the fascinating garden he has uncovered, dating back all the way to the mysterious and magical year-- 2008.


PENNSYLVANIA SMITH: I'd like to thank you all for being here today. This dig was the thrill of a lifetime for my colleagues and I. Never in the history of our excavations have we found a garden from the early 2000's so untouched, so intact. And I know the academic community is abuzz with curiosity, so we wanted to share with you today some of the more intriguing items we've discovered so far.

The first thing we uncovered is... well... personally, one of my favorites. What you see here is a polymer statue depicting some kind of large ancient waterfowl. Possibly what was known as a 'goose.'

The unique thing about this particular object—and this hasn’t been seen before in other digs in this region-- is that it’s wearing what looks like the remnants of small human clothes-- a behavior not currently exhibited in our own modern waterfowl.

Yes, you can see, it appears as if it’s been intentionally dressed in yellow rain gear.

Er... we haven't quite figured out the purpose of this. Possibly it's a totem of worship, a symbol to appease the rain gods.

We’re in the process of verifying whether any of the major religions of the Appalachian region featured a deity who appeared in the guise of a bird as a symbol of, say, harvest or growth... So, that's certainly something we're looking into now, and we hope to have more information for you in the future.

Moving on-- next, we have this wooden effigy of a female in a bent or crouching position...

The original paint on the plaque or sign indicates popular clothing of the era for these ancient people included short red polka-dotted gowns and ruffled underclothing.

Now if this piece is any indicator, standards of female beauty may have been such at the time that excess fat was considered a sign of both wealth and power...

And the upturned posterior may be symbolic of fertility. This, like the waterfowl statuary, will require further investigation before we can know for sure.

Okay, Steve, can you bring that over here so the folks can see? Yes, just roll it on over now... I know it's heavy...

Thanks. That's great right there.

As we got further into the site we uncovered this fascinating artifact. Now we're almost certain it's a fountain, but what we've been really focusing our efforts on is the figure on the top of it. It looks like it's a young male human-- or perhaps some sort of other enslaved population, because of its diminutive size-- but look at how it's standing. It's poised as if to be permanently... um...

Well, for the ears of the younger members of our audience... er, it appears to be, um, relieving itself into the pool of the fountain. Again, this may be some sort of fertility piece or possibly a water god. We're just not sure at this point.

Okay and lastly, we uncovered this piece. This small bearded plaster figure in a tall pointy hat...

You can still see some of the original paint on it, and the vivid colors lead us to believe that because of its bright pigments and its wizened look, this may be a replica of one of the leaders of their world.

Yes, we think this may be one of their political leaders-- possibly a popular liberator of the people at some point during their history... Because we've found, like, ten others of these over the course of the time I've been excavating, and it looks like this was one really popular guy.

Well, we'll be including all of these items and more in an upcoming piece in Global Geographic magazine, so if you're looking for more information on any of these items, you'll be able to read about it there.

And me, I've got to get back to the dig site now. We've just about got the top layer of dirt off what seems to be some kind of skeletal metal animal... a deer maybe.

It's got some very primitive wiring running through it, so it's possible that they had robotic pets or beasts of burden they used during this time period to help with odd and assorted chores. I don't know all of the details for sure. So we'll just share what we can as it unfolds.

Thank you for your time today.


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Pennsylvania Smith also uncovered the lost city of Humor-blogs.