Stealth... Subtlety... And surveillance technology. This is the style-- the secret passion-- of today's Deer-American population.
Yet, most humans are unaware of the rich lives these deer lead along our nation's highways... in our forests... in our very own backyards. Many are unaware how they put our personal privacy at risk.
Today, in an Of Cabbages and Kings' Very Special Report, we'll expose the dark, disturbing world of DoeTube and its fans. This is a forest of organized thrill-seeking and black humor, pandering to the sickest side of human-deer relations, where the competition for the best digital material is as stiff as a buck on the bumper...
But where the lulz are on us.
Little did we suspect these deer aren't the innocent little creatures we thought they were. The cute ear-twitching we see in that graceful fawn in our backyard? Bugs, yes-- but state-of-the-art inner-ear audio and video recording equipment... Barely visible to the naked eye.
Eating the heads off all of our bulb plants in the backyard?... Not the random hunger of one of our wildlife friends, but munchies while on a lengthy stake-out of your home, waiting for you to bring DoeTube the funny.
The deers' very existence has been so traditionally innocuous, it gives them a terrifyingly unexpected advantage. They catch us in our most private moments. Rendezvous stolen in Lovers' Lanes... Drunk hunters falling out of tree stands and shooting their buddies.... Drivers weaving down backroads while on the cellphone, putting on lipstick and driving with the knees...
They see into our hearts, our minds, our souls, and also the windows of our B&Bs while we're coming out of the shower naked...
"Oh, but it's okay, it's just a deer..."
Ah, but is it? Is it really?
Or maybe it's footage in the making for DoeTube's sinister snickering. The three minute film that helps these great racked fiends rack-up points among their peers.
Says one DoeTube member who prefers to remain anonymous, "People think we just spend our days gamboling around the meadows and hanging out with rabbits. But it's all I can do to keep from bursting out laughing when half-wit humans spot me, and coo and whisper like they're having some meaningful spiritual connection with nature. I made a highly-rated montage of it...
"I also have some good footage of 12 soused rednecks accidentally shooting each other in their tails. It won a Bambi award, DoeTube's highest honor."
Of course, this hobby of theirs is not without its share of dangers. More than one pitch-black chase scene has resulted in an violent end of twisted metal and sacrifice. Deer in headlights? Yes. But only because they got caught in the middle of filming.
The pastime has its price.
I hope as a result of this report, readers of Of Cabbages and Kings have gained a better understanding of the furry white underbelly of mockery, sarcasm and rage that bounds within the wild kingdom.
But take hart. The key to prevention is awareness. Remember, by keeping your eyes peeled for these miscreants of the meadows, you can help prevent one more human from being the butt of yet another buck's jokes.
You can help keep the stag at bay.
I hope those of you who have been victims of this growing subculture will share your stories here with us today. So those who have been violated by Doetube's practices can gain a sense of community and closure. And by banding together, we can generate even more awareness for this breach in personal privacy rights.
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