The Fourth-and-a-Half Sense

I smell dead people.

Actually, no. I probably wouldn't.

I mean even if a spectral Bruce Willis and I found ourselves hanging out in a mafia meat locker after a particularly busy week, I think we'd have a better chance of ol' Brucie announcing, "Phew, this is a good place for a Plug-In" before I ever would.

I am allergy-impaired, you see. And I think I actually prefer it that way. Because a brief moment of allergy-meds-induced, smell-based lucidity last evening led me on a bloodhound-like chase that I don't care to repeat.

I mean, you people with normal smellerificness-- do you go around sniffing your home entertainment system very often?

My money is on "no, only on special occasions."

See, I'd been running around the house finishing up a few things post-dinner. I sat down to watch a DVD, and then...

"I smell something on fire. Something electrical. Or metal. Or burnt dead dog. Or maybe spareribs."

(Cut me some slack-- having not smelled anything since about January, I lack your ninja-like Smell Precision Reflexes.)

There were a number of possible culprits in the area for this:

• The broiler of the stove I had used for dinner. Could sirloin steak grilled on a metal pan smell like the Sony warehouse going up in flames?

• A candle in a votive. Had I been freshening my house with toxic candle fumes, thus explaining my penchant for eccentric narrative?

• The heating system. Was she gonna blow, Kiptin?

To my fleetingly clear sinus, which had had only clocked a total of two full hours actual smell-training, it really could have been anything. Or nothing.

Well, I sniffed around. I stood on the heat vents and sniffed them in a pajama-clad, non-blonde, nasal-oriented version of Marilyn Monroe in the Seven Year Itch. (It smelled heaty.)

I stuck my head in the oven and sniffed. (It smelled meaty.)

I blew out and sniffed the possibly aromatic candle. (Nope, smelled like birthday disappointment.)

And then I started sniffing my TV, cable box and DVD player.

Because, in spite of the fact that the thing sounded great, the picture was clear, and there were no flames licking the TV cabinet, it was possible that there was some quiet inner-operative brush fire that would rip across the country to wipe out Malibu unless I stood there for the next half hour, strategically smelling it, while simultaneously missing my program.

What I finally concluded was that my nose was experiencing an ol-factory hallucination due to the allergy meds. I didn't fully believe the theory, of course. But we lie to ourselves to get through the night...

Preferably so that night is not spent sleeping propped up with one's nose stuck to the widescreen.

Yet this morning, as I came downstairs and slurped the first cup of java for the day, the hallucination returned.

"Fire. I smell fire."

It was only as I'd been heading to work and locking the front door-- the smell gaining significant stink-momentum-- that I realized...

The neighbors next door have a wood-burning stove. They've lived next to me for at least three years, but this was the first time I'd actually be able to smell it burning.

I'd wasted 40 minutes of my life trying to locate a scent that wasn't even in my house.

So, I really can't wait until my nasal passages close up again. This extra sensory stimuli is really just too much to handle. The burden, it's too great.

I don't know how all of you fully-smelling people handle it with such grace.

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Deer Stalkers and DoeTube

Stealth... Subtlety... And surveillance technology. This is the style-- the secret passion-- of today's Deer-American population.

Yet, most humans are unaware of the rich lives these deer lead along our nation's highways... in our forests... in our very own backyards. Many are unaware how they put our personal privacy at risk.

Today, in an Of Cabbages and Kings' Very Special Report, we'll expose the dark, disturbing world of DoeTube and its fans. This is a forest of organized thrill-seeking and black humor, pandering to the sickest side of human-deer relations, where the competition for the best digital material is as stiff as a buck on the bumper...

But where the lulz are on us.

Little did we suspect these deer aren't the innocent little creatures we thought they were. The cute ear-twitching we see in that graceful fawn in our backyard? Bugs, yes-- but state-of-the-art inner-ear audio and video recording equipment... Barely visible to the naked eye.

Eating the heads off all of our bulb plants in the backyard?... Not the random hunger of one of our wildlife friends, but munchies while on a lengthy stake-out of your home, waiting for you to bring DoeTube the funny.

The deers' very existence has been so traditionally innocuous, it gives them a terrifyingly unexpected advantage. They catch us in our most private moments. Rendezvous stolen in Lovers' Lanes... Drunk hunters falling out of tree stands and shooting their buddies.... Drivers weaving down backroads while on the cellphone, putting on lipstick and driving with the knees...

They see into our hearts, our minds, our souls, and also the windows of our B&Bs while we're coming out of the shower naked...

(credit to Kathy of The Junk Drawer for this photo)

"Oh, but it's okay, it's just a deer..."

Ah, but is it? Is it really?

Or maybe it's footage in the making for DoeTube's sinister snickering. The three minute film that helps these great racked fiends rack-up points among their peers.

Says one DoeTube member who prefers to remain anonymous, "People think we just spend our days gamboling around the meadows and hanging out with rabbits. But it's all I can do to keep from bursting out laughing when half-wit humans spot me, and coo and whisper like they're having some meaningful spiritual connection with nature. I made a highly-rated montage of it...

"I also have some good footage of 12 soused rednecks accidentally shooting each other in their tails. It won a Bambi award, DoeTube's highest honor."

Of course, this hobby of theirs is not without its share of dangers. More than one pitch-black chase scene has resulted in an violent end of twisted metal and sacrifice. Deer in headlights? Yes. But only because they got caught in the middle of filming.

The pastime has its price.

I hope as a result of this report, readers of Of Cabbages and Kings have gained a better understanding of the furry white underbelly of mockery, sarcasm and rage that bounds within the wild kingdom.

But take hart. The key to prevention is awareness. Remember, by keeping your eyes peeled for these miscreants of the meadows, you can help prevent one more human from being the butt of yet another buck's jokes.

You can help keep the stag at bay.

I hope those of you who have been victims of this growing subculture will share your stories here with us today. So those who have been violated by Doetube's practices can gain a sense of community and closure. And by banding together, we can generate even more awareness for this breach in personal privacy rights.

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