Kooky Clem's Oddity Attic

Howdy! Kooky Clem here! And welcome to Kooky Clem's Oddity Attic, your "one-stop source for the stuff wives won't let ya hang in the living room if company's a-comin'."

And hooo-WEE! Do I have some deals for you today!

Now, I know, y'all were saddened... ya were broken-hearted... ya were a-wailin' and a-nashin' because ya missed out on last month's 100% hand-crafted and original example of Renaissance oil paintin' art-- big eyed pig-dog with a Carol Channing wig. But like everything else here at Kooky Clem's, regrettably there was only one. And that one went to Mrs. Ralph Murdock of 15 Horny Hollow Road, Girty, Pennsylvania for the unbelievably low price of just $17.50.

I understand from Mrs. Murdock that, as we speak, this masterpiece on velvet is hanging proudly in her guest bathroom over the needlepoint tissue cozy on the back of the john in the shape of a Southern Bell doll.

So congratulations to you, Mrs. Murdock, on your selection of a fine piece of art that not only will give folks something to look at when they're on the can, but will only appreciate over time!

Whenever I flush, I will think of you and that painting.

But don't you other folks worry. Kooky Clem has two all-new deals for you! First, for those animal enthusiasts out there...

Ya say ya feel sad when ya see those big doe eyes of your average deer trophy a-lookin' down on ya from over the La-Z-Boy sectional.

Ya say ya still want to Bring the Outdoors In, and you want to make the sophisticated statement that only hanging dead wildlife on the wall can truly bring...

Well, do I have the solution to your problems! With this stylish new Deer Butt wall trophy, you reenact all the excitement of the hunt, with none of them guilty glass eyes staring at ya...

Yes, this astounding piece of once-living sculpture reflects the Native American's tradition for using every part of the animal. So, as those hippies in the press are so fond of sayin' these days, it's eco-friendly!

And just think of the conversation it'll spur on when you entertain yer guests on Coors 'n Cards night. Oh, yer friends... they know a good thing when they see it. So why not impress them all to hell with this slice o' deer ass artistic heaven?

Just $18 to ol' Kooky Clem, and soon when the neighborhood thinks "deer's patooti," they'll think of you, with this symbol of your good taste and refinement!

But, remember, there's only one available, so act quickly!

And if ya happen to miss out on that beauty, I have one last item today I think yer gonna just go a little bananas over...

See, what we have here is an original, gen-u-wine, authenticated with provenance like they have on that there Roadshow, plastic banana chandelier, once owned by none other than Calypso great himself, Harry Belefonte...
Why, you may not know it, but he wrote that there Day-O song for the Beetlejuice soundtrack about this very light fixture!

It's made of real polyurethane yeller bananas pressed in factories right in Jamaica. And it's wrapped with actual handpicked, handwoven hemp rope. So if Buck Duggan's little secondary crop hiding there in the cornfield gets spotted by the DEA choppers again this year, you still got yourself some options.

Yessir, this here is the original Electric Banana.

So don't wait! Come on down to Kooky Clem's and make us a deal! Our trained in-house interiors designer-- my wife Ruthie Mae Jane-- says something like this would work hella good in most any DE-cor, but it would compliment yer lava lamps and Skynrd posters real nice, in particulars.

And, hey, if you got something special on your wish list, don't y'all hesitate to drop me a comment and ask.

We got all sorts of amazing goods here in the Oddity Attic, some o' which we haven't seen ourselves in years, on account of our need for expansion and the layer of dust we mistook for our missing dog, Otis.

So if you have particular needs in the Oddity department, let us know and I'll set Ruthie up with the miner's hat, some protective gear, and a length of rope, and we'll dig it up for ya from one of our packed-to-the-rafters storerooms.

I look forward to assistin' you!

Aesthetic Examination in Fine Bad Art: Portrait of Big-Eyed Pig-Dog-Person

At Of Cabbages and Kings, we are all about showcasing only the very best in the arts-- whether it be highly literary tales involving school bullies and toilets as a metaphor for man's raw and eternal struggle against man...

Whether it's the music that truly defines our time such as Beach Boys parodies dedicated to surfing Peruvian llamas...

Or whether it is showcasing the landmark moments in fine art. Like this piece I discovered while strolling the attic galleries of a local antiques purveyor...
It is installed to the right of a photo of three small children in overalls, and above a broken Victorian china cabinet, as if daring the viewer to question this intriguing, anachronistic juxtaposition.

Note how the artist has embraced the Big-Eyed Child stylistic trend found commonly in the latter part of the 20th century. Yet undoubtedly the viewer will agree, the physical features of the subject give this particular piece a dynamic and memorable look and feel all its own. I believe with further examination, the viewer may find it virtually impossible to un-see this work once seen-- thus reinforcing the artistic importance of this piece.

Let's take a closer look, shall we?

Note the saucer-like, disproportionate eyes.

Where normal pieces of this genre learn toward sentimentality, the gaze of this figure dares the viewer to object. "Weep? Why would you weep for me?" it demands, brow furrowed under its blond Carol Channing wig.

Large pouty lips, set in distinct disapproval, also emphasize the dark mood of the subject. While the nose above transforms the figure from irritated human with mysterious displeasure-- the Anti-Mona Lisa, if you will-- to reveal an almost inhuman, animistic quality.

Is the nose that of a dog, a cat, a pig? Has the artist transformed a beloved pet into anthropomorphic form to share an interpersonal connection that transcends the dynamics of master and beast, and back again?

Does the androgyny of the figure convey a personal ambivalence? Or is this a portrait of Elton John in his younger days, connoting a love-hate sensibility with his work and within his own identity?

In conclusion, this work, while unsigned, remains an important example of portraiture from the 1970s.

It has been left in its spot in the gallery, on the chartreuse green wall near the room with the fringed vests and framed Dukes of Hazzard poster, in a hope that more people will get an opportunity to see this seminal 70s masterpiece.

Thank you for joining our discussion today. Next week we will examine The Bobblehead As Modern Expression of Ancient Greek Marble Statuary.

Will Paint for Food

I popped into a Starving Artist art sale over the weekend-- y'know, just to keep my finger on the pulse of the Undernourished Illustrator niche-- and I came to realize something very exciting:

I could starve, too!

Yes, indeed, I believe I have finally found a potential market for my beloved painting hobby! Like my still-lifes of four rose heads and three stems...

My wonky shadowing, my trite and unnaturally bent figures...


My one-step-away-from-Elvis-on-velvet, only without the Elvis... or the velvet because that stuff's expensive...


Even my "Moody Blue Pepper Amid Monochrome Eggplant and Artichoke" which symbolizes the isolation that individuals feel when tossed into an urban, hustle-bustle society and...

(Actually, I just wanted to try out my Pthalo Blue.)

...Well, it all has new possibility through this creative community!

All this time, I felt my meager handicrafts should be stacked in the dark basement to be kept watch over by the spiders. (They'll let me know if it floods, communicating through a series of web messages and Morse Code.)

But now, now I see these works of art could be brought to the surface-- the Morloks that they are-- and served up to a ravenous public!


Oh, you should have seen the crowds at the sale, friends! People of every age, swarming the aisles of stacked canvases, surveying the overlooked artistic masterpieces with a keen eye.

Here, a pseudo-European café scene in vivid, expressionist smears of orange, browns and yellows. Clearly communicating the intrigue of foreign delights... and runny egg.

And there, a lighthouse, lonely in the distance, sloping somewhat leftward into a rocky crag, making a statement about time, age, and using a ruler in a hurry.

To the right, a panel reminiscent of Monet's Waterlillies, ideal for those who cannot afford $2.99 for the actual Monet poster, but still want to stir the envy of elite, art-savvy friends...

And to the left, images of the Eiffel Tower, as if plucked from the very easel of a Left Bank Parisienne herself... You could almost smell the fresh baked baguette... the fromage... the, er, Gérard Depardieu.

Yes, these and more were examined, appraised, and considered for their own unique qualities by local connaisseurs of the finer things in life. Like whether they would match the couch...

Whether the lighthouse scene was the right size, or the Van Gogh Starry Night knockoff was more "Them"...

Whether the pink acryllic goddess fresco in marker-outlined profile had enough of a Roman nose to match the Roman spa tub freshly installed.

Yes, it was a day of critical decisions in the art world for my fellow Pittsburghers.

I admit, I left there feeling just a tad overwhelmed. Here, united in one place, was so much hope... soul... potential to tie the whole room together. Well, it left me with a brand new perspective on creative passion and on the brave drive to succeed in spite of the odds...

Also, the percentage of attendees who likely enjoyed lawn gnomes in their yards.

Things to think about, friends. Things to think about.

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