Heat Surge Inspires Rogue Amish, Plus Vince Moonlights from ShamWow

Fans of the absurd... the surprising... the "what the holy heck fer cryin' out loud is that about?"... would do well to take note of the recent wave of commercials hitting television this new year.

It's a Wonderland of Weirdness for one low price!... (Plus enough shipping and handling charges to pay for college tuition.)

Let's start with my personal favorite: the Heat Surge Fireplace, specially hand-crafted by our good neighbors, the trustworthy Amish...

The Heat Surge electric fireplace.

Amish...

Electric....

Hm.

But look!-- beautiful Amish-built frames in your choice of wood tones, surrounding a gorgeous, cost-efficient, warming electric fire!

"How do the Amish do it?" the commercial asks us excitedly. "They're not telling!"

Well, of course they're not telling... What with the main selling point of the Amish lifestyle being that whole "no technology, no electricity" sort of thing.

Either, we've got some unique sect of Rogue Amish out there-- driving around in shiny Porsches, enjoying their flatscreen TVs and learning the electronics trade in between barn-raisings...

Or...

They're in charge of fireplace wooden frame-making and have absolutely nothing to do with the assembly of the Heat Surge. Assembly, I might add, going on in the background of this rather startling commercial.

I can just see it now: "Do you want us to put something in this box?" asks Jacob Farmer, Amish Fine Craftsman, brushing off the sawdust from his latest creation. "We can do you up some nice drawers for it? Or a good place to store your potatoes?"

"No, no. Just the frame is fine. Here's your $3."

But as the commercial continued, I was educated with one more surprising fact about this tried-and-true society-- the unexpected racial diversity that seems to have crept into Amish culture!

"Is that Amish Craftsman... black?"

Well, I became distracted from that puzzlement, because the Heat Surge commercial was followed quickly by an ad for "the Snuggie." It's the latest innovation in Personal Warmth Technology!

Okay, it's a blanket with arms... Or a long, fleecy hospital gown, depending on how you think of it... Or, well, something nice to wear to your next Druidic Henge Raising.


Yes, for those nights where you're up reading with your bare arms out over the covers-- there's no need to deal with the slipping and sliding of willful traditional blankets. Now there's a solution for that evening chill. Just slip your arms through the arms of the Snuggie, and say goodbye to the cold of Old Man Winter!

Or just wear something with sleeves to bed.

I also noticed Vince of ShamWow! fame seems to have turned from his ShamWow! roots and is now advertising for something called "SlapChop." Fans of Vince can rest-assured he is still using his patented line, "Now, we can't do this all day," to show us the urgency of ordering a product that will be run 50 times a day on stations across the country for the next six months.

But he seems a quieter, calmer Vince somehow. Less like squinky-eyed Dick Tracy character, and more the reassuring purveyor of Minced Veg Necessity.

I feel he's hiding a secret sorrow.

Perhaps on the heels of a painful break-up with "Flo," the perky Progressive Insurance sales girl, Vince has had to rethink his life. Is hocking super-absorbent shammy cloths made in Germany enough, without someone to soak up those spills with?

Is there any point to dicing your own salsa if there's no one to share the tortilla chips?

What if no one out there will ever really "love his nuts"?


Yes, Flo is off on a tropical vacation with the Dyson Vacuum spokesman. One of those whirlwind romances she insists won't lose suction, but we all know it will eventually.

While Vince-- alas, poor Vince!-- he must use the ShamWows! to soak up his copious tears. It's lucky they're so gosh-darned absorbent. (sniff!)

Hang in there, Vince. We're pullin' for ya!

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Of Cabbages and Kings New Year's Irresolutions

Here at Of Cabbages and Kings, we always try to take the humor road less traveled. And that means better bloggy gas mileage... fewer speeding tickets... less chance of comedic fender benders... and only the occasional incident of virtual venison on the windshield.

Sometimes we run into Robert Frost as he's hitchhiking... but-- hey-- he's never pressed charges.... So it's all good.

But with the trail less taken, comes the need to avoid the obvious-- including any trendy, overtly-easy holiday themes that would... oh... save me time and free me up for an actual Real Life and stuff.

And that's why today, the management of Cabbages brings to you the one... the only.... our Official 2009 New Year's Irresolutions-- things that I mostly likely, probably, will not ever choose to do in this coming year. Maybe. But I'm figuring no.

I think together, we can learn a lot from this. And perhaps you might even wish to Possibly Not Do some of these things yourself, and improve your life, as well, by their lack.

Or not.

Y'know: whatever.

• I will probably not go out of my way to see more movies starring: CarrotTop, Brad Pitt, Ben Affleck, David Arquette, J-Lo, or Sally Field.
  

• I expect to keep my household a ShamWow-Free Zone.

• Following the infomercial theme, I have a strong sense that I won't be writing OxyClean advertiser Billy Mays for an autograph, and including a lock of my hair in my letter.
  

• After reading Dead Rooster's post, I'm fairly sure that I won't be partaking of the tentacly nosh that is octopus. In fact, I'd like to extend this Irresolution for 2010 and 2011, as well.
  

• Survey says, I will not be getting caught up in a "Family Feud" marathon on TVLand. Also "Full House."
  

• I imagine I probably won't be heading to a third world nation in a private jet to adopt 12 underprivileged children and give press conferences while people discuss what a super mom I am.
  

• Getting meme-tagged is unlikely to make me dance an impromptu Irish reel in my living room. (The living room is small and cramped. Also, based on 2008, most memes smelled like Satan's bottom.)

• I don't expect to become a Scientologist, and I feel couches around me should be relatively safe from any jubilant cushion prancing.

• I won't be mailing Michael Jackson a box of assorted rubber noses, even though, from the looks of things lately, he could use some. (I just think he can buy his own.)

• I will probably still not get or appreciate "How I Met Your Mother" in spite of how many other people seem to adore it. I will remain on the outside looking in.

• I don't fancy that I'll be buying male enhancement drugs or anything related to E.D. from any of the insistent folks who feel I have an underlying need for them. I appreciate they care, but that only goes so far.
  

• I probably won't make any fewer obscure literature references in my blog posts, like Robert Frost getting hit by a car on the Road Less Traveled-- as I'm a giant writing nerd and confusing the heck out of half the population is like cocaine to me.

So tell me folks, what things do you think you are highly unlikely (maybe sorta) of to do in 2009? What are your New Year's Irresolutions?

Thanks to each of you for being so nifty-cool and stopping by here this year. Your visits, comments and general humor have made me genuinely happy every day since I'd decided, way back in February, to give ol' Cabbages a go. It means a lot.

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Cult of Personality: Some Alternate American Icons for President

Few election years have made it more clear that the U.S. Presidential Race is not about issues, but about personalities.

As a country, we're busy people. We can't be bothered with those piddly details about how to handle war, environmental problems, energy conservation, future terrorism, or improve education for all children. No reason to, really-- not when we can boil it all down to anecdotes, pep rallies and high school yearbook quotes.

Yes, we owe it to ourselves to be able to skim for five minutes and make solid, unflinching decisions on the fate of our country for the next 4-8 years.

So while your blog hostess here at Of Cabbages and Kings doesn't claim to be a fine political mind, I was considering some alternate presidential candidates that should have been tossed out there. Ones, I think, who would have worked well in the Cult of Personality we're currently immersed in and who also have potential as popular, effective leaders.

I'll try to keep it brief, for maximum effectiveness.

• "David Palmer" AKA "President Allstate" from 24. Firm, smart, a great orator, and part of a rare breed-- an honest politician. Not only that, but he has previous presidential experience-- which yes, technically, should disqualify him from running this time around, but... work with me, people. Who didn't feel uplifted and inspired by watching him take command of our country, even during the terrorist attacks on 24? Okay, so, yes, he died tragically in that show, but I still see him on those Allstate Insurance ads. He looks pretty good for a dead guy. So I think he might rally. President Allstate would be my top candidate. Appropriate sound-bite: "...That's Allstate's, er, America's Stand. Now get me Jack Bauer and a tow truck."

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• "Earl Hickey" of My Name is Earl Fame. A dark horse candidate, Earl Hickey is down-to-earth, has a maverick approach to problem solving, and he get things done. In fact, he has a whole list of things to do, and he makes good on them-- more than we can say for most politicians. Sure, Earl has a past, but who doesn't? At least Earl is forthright about his. He believes in Karma, so that might not go over with the evangelical base, but Earl has a number of other things going for him. Like ex-wife Joy. Voters love a lady with sass, and they don't come sassier than Joy. Appropriate sound-bite: "Earl, I don't care what you say, Crabman and I are stayin' in the Lincoln Bedroom. You think they get QVC on the cable TV in there?" -Joy

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• "Vince" the ShamWow! guy. He's mesmerizing to watch, if somewhat frightening due to his Dick Tracy character one-big-eye-one-little-eye-- something sure to put the fear in any terrorists planning attacks. He has the patter down, and he's very convincing. We know he pours the cola, there's a giant puddle of cola under that carpet, the camera cuts away and then that cola has magically gone. We suspect the ShamWow! had nothing to do with that cola being gone. But yet we buy the ShamWows! That's the power of Vince at work. Vince is prepared to clean up this country, even if it involves doubling your order of presidential terms for only the cost of shipping and handling. Appropriate sound-bite: "That's two terms, for the price of one. You follow me, camera guy?"

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• Dana Scully from the X-Files. Women looking for female candidate they can relate to might do very well with Dana Scully. She's bright, pretty, has a wide base of knowledge, and she already has the wardrobe-- pantsuits galore. Plus, she's a Christian and a mother, which are important qualities for a large chunk of voters. Okay, yes, yes, the baby might be part-alien. But that will just help diversify her voter base. Appropriate sound-bite: "The truth is out there... And we'll feed it to you in vague, cryptic installments over the course of a multiple term run, just to keep you guessing."
  

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Now, I'd tossed around some other options, but I'm not as confident in those selections.

• I mean, Dwight Schrute from The Office is a powerful public speaker, but the U.S. would officially become a dictatorship.

• I considered both the Geico Gecko and Charles Dyson, the Dyson vacuum cleaner inventor-- but neither of them were born in the U.S.

• And Monk, well, he's smart, but the Oval office isn't even enough-- it would freak him out and he'd spend tons of taxpayer dollars on renovating it into the Square Office.

Soon, the U.S. will put itself in the hands of a new leader, but how do we feel about the choices we currently have? I don't know; I like to think we'd have been in good hands with Allstate.

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Get out and vote in 2008-- for Of Cabbages and Kings at Humor-blogs. Or check out my friends over at Humorbloggers. Some of them are even running for President-- kinda sorta.