Of Cabbages and Kings New Year's Irresolutions

Here at Of Cabbages and Kings, we always try to take the humor road less traveled. And that means better bloggy gas mileage... fewer speeding tickets... less chance of comedic fender benders... and only the occasional incident of virtual venison on the windshield.

Sometimes we run into Robert Frost as he's hitchhiking... but-- hey-- he's never pressed charges.... So it's all good.

But with the trail less taken, comes the need to avoid the obvious-- including any trendy, overtly-easy holiday themes that would... oh... save me time and free me up for an actual Real Life and stuff.

And that's why today, the management of Cabbages brings to you the one... the only.... our Official 2009 New Year's Irresolutions-- things that I mostly likely, probably, will not ever choose to do in this coming year. Maybe. But I'm figuring no.

I think together, we can learn a lot from this. And perhaps you might even wish to Possibly Not Do some of these things yourself, and improve your life, as well, by their lack.

Or not.

Y'know: whatever.

  • I will probably not go out of my way to see more movies starring: CarrotTop, Brad Pitt, Ben Affleck, David Arquette, J-Lo, or Sally Field.
  • I expect to keep my household a ShamWow-Free Zone.
  • Following the infomercial theme, I have a strong sense that I won't be writing OxyClean advertiser Billy Mays for an autograph, and including a lock of my hair in my letter.
  • After reading Dead Rooster's post, I'm fairly sure that I won't be partaking of the tentacly nosh that is octopus. In fact, I'd like to extend this Irresolution for 2010 and 2011, as well.
  • Survey says, I will not be getting caught up in a "Family Feud" marathon on TVLand. Also "Full House."
  • I imagine I probably won't be heading to a third world nation in a private jet to adopt 12 underprivileged children and give press conferences while people discuss what a super mom I am.
  • Getting meme-tagged is unlikely to make me dance an impromptu Irish reel in my living room. (The living room is small and cramped. Also, based on 2008, most memes smelled like Satan's bottom.)
  • I don't expect to become a Scientologist, and I feel couches around me should be relatively safe from any jubilant cushion prancing.
  • I won't be mailing Michael Jackson a box of assorted rubber noses, even though, from the looks of things lately, he could use some. (I just think he can buy his own.)
  • I will probably still not get or appreciate "How I Met Your Mother" in spite of how many other people seem to adore it. I will remain on the outside looking in.
  • I don't fancy that I'll be buying male enhancement drugs or anything related to E.D. from any of the insistent folks who feel I have an underlying need for them. I appreciate they care, but that only goes so far.
  • I probably won't make any fewer obscure literature references in my blog posts, like Robert Frost getting hit by a car on the Road Less Traveled-- as I'm a giant writing nerd and confusing the heck out of half the population is like cocaine to me.

So tell me folks, what things do you think you are highly unlikely (maybe sorta) of to do in 2009? What are your New Year's Irresolutions?

Thanks to each of you for being so nifty-cool and stopping by here this year. Your visits, comments and general humor have made me genuinely happy every day since I'd decided, way back in February, to give ol' Cabbages a go. It means a lot.



Anonymous said...

I'm probably not going to start wearing spandex, even if it does come back in fashion. I don't care if I missed the boat one time already back in the 1980s.

Unknown said...

Mark- Duly noted! And thank you.

I think one more person not planning to wear spandex is a really great way to start off 2009.

Anonymous said...

Oh I will likely be caught up in a Full House Marathon. I watched it 2006 when I moved to Hamilton; I watched it in 2007 and again in 2008.

It is unlikely that I will be completely moving out of this city in 2009 so it is unlikely that I will not be watching Full House.

I don't get "How I met your Mother" either. I never did.

I may not be buying into a Wii Fit in 2009. I never played a Wii and the last console(s) I ever played were X-Box 2 and GameCube many years ago.

It is unlikely that I will be Twittering any less in 2009. Heck I was sending out Tweets even when I had no followers !

Wishing everybody here at the Cabbage patch a wonderful and a safe 2009 !

Da Old Man said...

While I am totally supportive of your Carrot Top free initiative, you may decide to include Paulie Shore in that.
The only reason to watch "How I Met your Mother" is because one is too lazy to change the channel after watching Big Bang Theory, coupled with a fear of forgetting to change back to see 2 and 1/2 Men.
Just sayin'.

Have a happy, safe, and prosperous New Year. I look forward to enjoying many more of your posts.
And, of course, passing along the memes.

Unknown said...

Jaffer- See, we are learning so much here today! :) Thanks to you for your Tweets and comments and being my online friend-- and enjoy that Full House Marathon!

Da Old Man- I like "The Big Bang Theory" quite a bit. Then I go running once "How I met Your Mother" comes on. I like the actors, and I've tried to watch it-- I just can't get into the show. I will prepare myself for the memes. Memes are like fruitcake-- it's the kind thought that counts, I just kinda don't really want to taste most of them. :)

Anonymous said...

Just being mentioned in the same post as Satan's bottom is a great honor!

Thanks for the link!

Unknown said...

DeadRooster- Ah, you are very welcome! We aspire to please here at Cabbages.

Shieldmaiden96 said...

In 2009 I'm quite certain I shan't be buying a pair of those jeans with a rise so low you have to, ahem, 'trim the hedge' to wear them. Yes, quite certain indeed.

Anonymous said...

I'm not planning to laugh at any time while watching Two And A Half Men.

I'm quite sure I won't be depositing any money in my savings account.

I'm sure I won't be getting a ShamWow for Christmas - for the third year running. But I really want one.

The Self-Deprechaun said...

I may attempt to take my shirt off while wading in the pool this summer, without shame. I too don't understand the popularity of 'How I met your mother' or any CBS shows for that matter.

Unknown said...

Shieldmaiden- Ah! I think I might add that to my list of what I don't plan to do, either! Good call!

Tiggy- Oh, I had NO idea you were denied the ShamWow when you wanted one-- I'm sorry to hear it. I also didn't know the ShamWow has been around three Christmases worth!

Self-Deprechaun- Good luck with the pool-- you have time to gear up to it, if you're unsure, at least. And so this makes THREE of us who don't get "How I Met Your Mother!" Now I'm glad I risked mentioning it!

Speedcat Hollydale said...

Great! ... I like this much better than the classic resolutions.

I laughed at your reference to Angelina (ha haaaaa!) It was her, right???

My will NOTS

1. I will not stop drinking coffee. Yes, technically it's a drug, but I LOVE my morning coffee. Adore is a better word

2. I will not become more organized. If there is a person that is the anti - "Obsesive Compulsive", it me. I like chaos, and flying by the seat of my pants.

3. I will not stop wasting time blogging away. I like it tooo much. That simple

4. I will not become a capitol hill lobbiest

5. I will not go looking for the Sasquatch (any more)

Happy New Year - this was an EXCELLENT post!

Anonymous said...

Speedy- Indeedy, it was Angelina. The woman needs to STOP with the whole uber-mom bit. I'm not buying it. :)

And I totally respect your need for coffee. It is the sweet nectar of life, and must be enjoyed!

I admit, I'm a little sad to hear you're forgoing the pursuit of Sasquatch. Because 1.) it's always good to have a dream and 2.) Sasquatch will miss all the attention.

But, y'know, to each his own. :) Hope you have a terrific new year!!

ReformingGeek said...

I plan to NOT give up wine!

I plan to NOT see any movie with a number greater than 1 after the title.

Big Bang Theory grew on me (it got better) and although I like How I Met Your Mother, it is getting a bit old.

Anonymous said...

I don't anticipate that I will be ignoring this blog in 2009!

Good stuff!

Oh, one thing. Ever since the Children of Israel used their ShamWows to suck up the Red Sea the product has really gone downhill.

Unknown said...

Reforming Geek- HEY, I plan not to give up wine, too! Cool! I can't guarantee that "Not watching sequels" things though, you know, if, say, Sean of the Dead II comes out, or... oh, I dunno, "Harry Potter: Dumbledore's Revenge" finally makes it into the theaters. :)

Sharon- Well, sure-- after that, anything else would be really anticlimactic. :)

Anonymous said...

I also plan not to give up wine. That should be obvious, but just to be perfectly clear, I thought I'd mention it first.

I could adopt your entire list, but for one small item -I'm afraid I already own Sham-Wows. In my defense, they were a gift. However, I used them and I like them. A lot.

::hanging head in shame::

Unknown said...

WillThink4Wine- Good to mention it. Clarity is good in thinking-- and in a nice white wine, too. :)

Honestly, I do not begrudge you your ShamWows-- and as they were a gift, I can totally understand. You were pushed INTO the world that is ShamWow. It isn't your fault. :)

Anonymous said...

How I Met Your Mother rules. If you can get past stupid Ted, the show is so good.

And I agree, Carrot Top blows hamsters.

Unknown said...

FreetheUnicorns- I'll have to see then if my lack of interest in the show is specifically related to Ted. I hadn't gotten analytical about it. :)

And PS-- those poor hamsters...

Melanie said...

Well, I think I could adopt your list Jenn, but I'm forced to sit thru "How I met you mother" because hubby adores it.

I will add:

I don't plan to don swimwear any time in 2009.

I don't plan to stop laughing at the Cabbage in the coming year.

I'm not likely to make much progress on decluttering my house. I will always start more projects than I get finished.

Unknown said...

Melanie- Oh, gosh-- so a few votes against "How I Met Your Mother" and a few votes for. Ironically, it's often guys who like this show-- when that surprises me because it's so relationshippy.

I can assure you, I won't be doing swimwear either. Decluttering-- well, I have intentions, but we'll see how that goes.

Anonymous said...


wasn't he the character in a christmas special

corn cob pipe and all?????

Unknown said...

JD- Yes, the cousin to the Snow Miser. :) Little known fact.

Maureen said...

Ha! Great non-list there Jenn... I have no idea what I won't do. I am an eternal optimist, so I could end up not doing anything... or not something... oh crap I am just confused now.

Nevertheless, HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

Anonymous said...

I, too, embrace the plan to NOT give up wine in 2009. Or Yeungling, for that matter.

I admit to "getting" "How I Met Your Mother" but also to not having enough time to deal with that feeling of embarrassment for the actions of sitcom characters. (First time I identified this was during an episode of "Happy Days".) Honestly, politics is embarrassing enough to watch from the sidelines.

Anonymous said...

Hi Jenn,
I thinking of not drinking too much coffee this year. I think it's killing my brain. Ha ha..
Great blog. I will your blog to my blogroll. Happy New Year.

Unknown said...

Maureen- It's good to start the new year with confusion-- makes you feel all accomplished once things get sorted out a bit later. :) Happy New Year!

WordTapestry- Heh, yes, I understand the embarrassment of which you speak. And Happy Days certainly did have those moments. Fonzie and a shark come to mind. :)

Ismail- Giving up coffee? Oh no! Well, good luck with that. I would have no brain at all if it weren't for glorious coffee. Happy New Year!

Anonymous said...

Just have to chime in that I loved Fonzie and the shark too, and Pinkie Tuscadero. Okay, now with that out of the way, main irresolution: Will not stop reading Of Cabbages and Kings. No maybes about it.

Happy New Year, Jenn.

Anonymous said...

The woods are lovely, dark and deep;
But I have promises to keep.
And miles to go before--

I ran over Robert Frost at that point, even though I had resolved not to.

And don't be too harsh on Scientology. As cults go, the members are more famous.

Marvel Goose said...

One of my New Years Resolutions is to become a Sham Wow Imitator. I'm looking now for a seamstress who can sew sponges together.

This is something that I can aspire to because I cannot sing as well as Elvis imitators, plus I lost too much weight to make it credible.

Fun post as always, Jenn. Happy 2009!

Unknown said...

Rambler- I recall as a little kid thinking Pinkie Tuscadero was pretty darned cool. I don't think she was quite the role model my parents were looking for me to have, though. :) Cheers to your resolution-- we're always happy to have ya here!

Aoi- I wonder if Samuel Taylor Coleridge was in the forest with Robert Frost that day-- it would explain the abrupt ending to Kubla Khan. :) Be careful out there on the roads today.

Marvel- I wish you a lot of luck with that ShamWow imitiation biz this year. What do you plan to call it? Might I suggest-- Wow-Sham! ? :)

Anonymous said...

I'm probably not going to cut my mullet.

MYM said...

You may wanna think that shamwow thing, my sister just got one and damn, they're pretty amazing. "You following me camra guy?"

I have something for you ... on my blog. No ... it's not a shamwow.

MYM said...

I forgot to say I like your new photo!

Unknown said...

FreeTheUnicorns- I hear that's less a resolution and more a way of life, anyway. :)

Drowsey- I will pop by and see what you're up to. :) I think I can manage without the Sham-Wows. (Is that the right plural?) And thanks!

Chaotically Calm said...

I'm glad you decided to get rid of those thoughts of scientology or 2009 might begin on the wrong foot.