Few election years have made it more clear that the U.S. Presidential Race is not about issues, but about personalities.As a country, we're busy people. We can't be bothered with those piddly details about how to handle war, environmental problems, energy conservation, future terrorism, or improve education for all children. No reason to, really-- not when we can boil it all down to anecdotes, pep rallies and high school yearbook quotes.
Yes, we owe it to ourselves to be able to skim for five minutes and make solid, unflinching decisions on the fate of our country for the next 4-8 years.
So while your blog hostess here at Of Cabbages and Kings doesn't claim to be a fine political mind, I was considering some alternate presidential candidates that should have been tossed out there. Ones, I think, who would have worked well in the Cult of Personality we're currently immersed in and who also have potential as popular, effective leaders.
I'll try to keep it brief, for maximum effectiveness.
- "David Palmer" AKA "President Allstate" from 24. Firm, smart, a great orator, and part of a rare breed-- an honest politician. Not only that, but he has previous presidential experience-- which yes, technically, should disqualify him from running this time around, but... work with me, people. Who didn't feel uplifted and inspired by watching him take command of our country, even during the terrorist attacks on 24? Okay, so, yes, he died tragically in that show, but I still see him on those Allstate Insurance ads. He looks pretty good for a dead guy. So I think he might rally. President Allstate would be my top candidate. Appropriate sound-bite: "...That's Allstate's, er, America's Stand. Now get me Jack Bauer and a tow truck."
- "Earl Hickey" of My Name is Earl Fame. A dark horse candidate, Earl Hickey is down-to-earth, has a maverick approach to problem solving, and he get things done. In fact, he has a whole list of things to do, and he makes good on them-- more than we can say for most politicians. Sure, Earl has a past, but who doesn't? At least Earl is forthright about his. He believes in Karma, so that might not go over with the evangelical base, but Earl has a number of other things going for him. Like ex-wife Joy. Voters love a lady with sass, and they don't come sassier than Joy. Appropriate sound-bite: "Earl, I don't care what you say, Crabman and I are stayin' in the Lincoln Bedroom. You think they get QVC on the cable TV in there?" -Joy
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- "Vince" the ShamWow! guy. He's mesmerizing to watch, if somewhat frightening due to his Dick Tracy character one-big-eye-one-little-eye-- something sure to put the fear in any terrorists planning attacks. He has the patter down, and he's very convincing. We know he pours the cola, there's a giant puddle of cola under that carpet, the camera cuts away and then that cola has magically gone. We suspect the ShamWow! had nothing to do with that cola being gone. But yet we buy the ShamWows! That's the power of Vince at work. Vince is prepared to clean up this country, even if it involves doubling your order of presidential terms for only the cost of shipping and handling. Appropriate sound-bite: "That's two terms, for the price of one. You follow me, camera guy?"
- Dana Scully from the X-Files. Women looking for female candidate they can relate to might do very well with Dana Scully. She's bright, pretty, has a wide base of knowledge, and she already has the wardrobe-- pantsuits galore. Plus, she's a Christian and a mother, which are important qualities for a large chunk of voters. Okay, yes, yes, the baby might be part-alien. But that will just help diversify her voter base. Appropriate sound-bite: "The truth is out there... And we'll feed it to you in vague, cryptic installments over the course of a multiple term run, just to keep you guessing."
Now, I'd tossed around some other options, but I'm not as confident in those selections.
- I mean, Dwight Schrute from The Office is a powerful public speaker, but the U.S. would officially become a dictatorship.
- I considered both the Geico Gecko and Charles Dyson, the Dyson vacuum cleaner inventor-- but neither of them were born in the U.S.
- And Monk, well, he's smart, but the Oval office isn't even enough-- it would freak him out and he'd spend tons of taxpayer dollars on renovating it into the Square Office.
Soon, the U.S. will put itself in the hands of a new leader, but how do we feel about the choices we currently have? I don't know; I like to think we'd have been in good hands with Allstate.
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Get out and vote in 2008-- for Of Cabbages and Kings at Humor-blogs. Or check out my friends over at Humorbloggers. Some of them are even running for President-- kinda sorta.
