The Comforting Cacophony of Infomercial Shouting

"And if you act now, you'll get twice the amount of shouting for your grouting FREE!
That's two times the number of decibels per ear than you'll find in stores!"

I was having the morning java and checking email messages when a sound in the background caught my attention.

It was an infomercial ad with a loud, gravelly-familiar voice that I knew Simply. Could. Not. Be.

Billy Mays?! But Mr. Mays has passed, leaving a void in the all-important Product Demonstration and Shouting niche market.

Sure, an Australian guy had tried for a while to sell us super-mops and shammies and made us aware of the deep, infiltrating inadequacy and safety issues of our dirty car headlight covers. But that guy didn't really know us, did he? He didn't really understand that we are unmotivated to remove pet stains on our carpet for a low price of $19.95 and even doubling our order if we act now, when the benefits are told to us in a bright Aussie accent.

No, we need a good old-fashioned American Man to shout at us with all the zeal of that uncle who dines on meat for breakfast, lunch, dinner and dessert. One who hugs all the kids in the family just a BIT too hard causing the occasional rib fracture, but only because it's done with love.

So when I looked up from my email, I was unsure what I would see. Had Billy Mays been cryogenically sealed in a vacuum-protected food preservation device that makes tomatoes and other produce last twice as long, just pay shipping and handling, and now he had returned to us?

Why no! This was a new Purveyor of Products. A fresh new face in As Seen On TV treasures!

Marc Gill is his name, he tells us, and while his head may be shinier than that of his predecessor, his style is eerily similar. Yes, Marc has come to save us from the Australians, from the ShamWow scandals, from not having tile grout that glows as brightly as Tom Cruise's teeth.

I realized then how great our loss had been. It had been at least a year since I had been shouted at regarding pipe drains and dirty sinks and whites that could be so much whiter. I had not been informed at great volumes how my clothes could all fit into a Ziploc sandwich bag to save more space.

But now, we have Marc Gill to fill the empty spaces that only jolly ear-bleeding vocal projection can soothe.

I sunk back into my chair, a sense of renewed peace washing over me, and looked at my coffee mug. Why, this mug wasn't travel-safe and impact resistant, able to take the force of a two-ton car running over it or a herd of water buffalo...

Ah, but it's all okay, isn't it? Because I know in a few months, our new friend Marc will undoubtedly have the answer. And I'll be sure to hear it, no matter where I am.

Snuggie Fashion Show Inspires Infomercial Couture

"I'm too sexy for my Snuggie... too sexy for my Snuggie..."

This past Wednesday, those infomercial winter warmers, Snuggie slankets, stepped into the spotlight in their first runway fashion show and--

What?

Oh. I see.

You're thinking: "This is just another Cabbages Making Bizarre Things Up post."

Well, friends, sometimes real life doesn't even need spoofing. Check this out.

Yep, with its new "designer colors" like Zebra Print and Leopard Print-- (who knew all this time the zoo had been so, um, designery?)-- the Snuggie slanket has done a little turn on the catwalk.

And has given me the opportunity to repeatedly use the word "slanket." Sleeves + blanket = slanket. Say it with me: slanket. Let's all try working it into a sentence today just to see the looks on people's faces.

Ah, but I digress.

Due to the roaring success of the Snuggie fashion show--which NBC reports a whole twenty or so people attended, meaning each guest did some very enthusiastic roaring per person -- other makers of infomercial products are seeing their products in a whole new light.

And I mean really seeing them in a whole new light. Like these simply brilliant Tap Light Nighty-Bike ensembles!


These easy-to-stick, long-lasting lights give you illumination right where you need it-- even sweaty spandex! Now you can walk, bike, or jog any time of the evening, getting that important daily exercise, all while playing it safe in dark, dangerous alleys.

Then there's the Space Bag Self-Storage, for that person looking to be vacuum-sealed from the effects of naughty Mother Nature...

Helps keep skin fresh, too!

And not to be forgotten, the Pasta 'n' More Pasta Cooker Chapeaus are really taking off. Perfect for that person on-the-go who otherwise might not have time for a good wholesome meal...
Stylish and useful!

Yes, this year in fashion, it's really about combining artistic form with function. It's a busy, more practical world these days. Why not dress for it?

...

...

Slanket.

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Heat Surge Inspires Rogue Amish, Plus Vince Moonlights from ShamWow

Fans of the absurd... the surprising... the "what the holy heck fer cryin' out loud is that about?"... would do well to take note of the recent wave of commercials hitting television this new year.

It's a Wonderland of Weirdness for one low price!... (Plus enough shipping and handling charges to pay for college tuition.)

Let's start with my personal favorite: the Heat Surge Fireplace, specially hand-crafted by our good neighbors, the trustworthy Amish...

The Heat Surge electric fireplace.

Amish...

Electric....

Hm.

But look!-- beautiful Amish-built frames in your choice of wood tones, surrounding a gorgeous, cost-efficient, warming electric fire!

"How do the Amish do it?" the commercial asks us excitedly. "They're not telling!"

Well, of course they're not telling... What with the main selling point of the Amish lifestyle being that whole "no technology, no electricity" sort of thing.

Either, we've got some unique sect of Rogue Amish out there-- driving around in shiny Porsches, enjoying their flatscreen TVs and learning the electronics trade in between barn-raisings...

Or...

They're in charge of fireplace wooden frame-making and have absolutely nothing to do with the assembly of the Heat Surge. Assembly, I might add, going on in the background of this rather startling commercial.

I can just see it now: "Do you want us to put something in this box?" asks Jacob Farmer, Amish Fine Craftsman, brushing off the sawdust from his latest creation. "We can do you up some nice drawers for it? Or a good place to store your potatoes?"

"No, no. Just the frame is fine. Here's your $3."

But as the commercial continued, I was educated with one more surprising fact about this tried-and-true society-- the unexpected racial diversity that seems to have crept into Amish culture!

"Is that Amish Craftsman... black?"

Well, I became distracted from that puzzlement, because the Heat Surge commercial was followed quickly by an ad for "the Snuggie." It's the latest innovation in Personal Warmth Technology!

Okay, it's a blanket with arms... Or a long, fleecy hospital gown, depending on how you think of it... Or, well, something nice to wear to your next Druidic Henge Raising.


Yes, for those nights where you're up reading with your bare arms out over the covers-- there's no need to deal with the slipping and sliding of willful traditional blankets. Now there's a solution for that evening chill. Just slip your arms through the arms of the Snuggie, and say goodbye to the cold of Old Man Winter!

Or just wear something with sleeves to bed.

I also noticed Vince of ShamWow! fame seems to have turned from his ShamWow! roots and is now advertising for something called "SlapChop." Fans of Vince can rest-assured he is still using his patented line, "Now, we can't do this all day," to show us the urgency of ordering a product that will be run 50 times a day on stations across the country for the next six months.

But he seems a quieter, calmer Vince somehow. Less like squinky-eyed Dick Tracy character, and more the reassuring purveyor of Minced Veg Necessity.

I feel he's hiding a secret sorrow.

Perhaps on the heels of a painful break-up with "Flo," the perky Progressive Insurance sales girl, Vince has had to rethink his life. Is hocking super-absorbent shammy cloths made in Germany enough, without someone to soak up those spills with?

Is there any point to dicing your own salsa if there's no one to share the tortilla chips?

What if no one out there will ever really "love his nuts"?


Yes, Flo is off on a tropical vacation with the Dyson Vacuum spokesman. One of those whirlwind romances she insists won't lose suction, but we all know it will eventually.

While Vince-- alas, poor Vince!-- he must use the ShamWows! to soak up his copious tears. It's lucky they're so gosh-darned absorbent. (sniff!)

Hang in there, Vince. We're pullin' for ya!

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