The Magical 'Of Cabbages and Kings' Humor Factory Tour

Here at Of Cabbages and Kings, our Quality Control Managers (okay, the Jane Austen Bobblehead on my desk and I) work tirelessly to ensure readers like you receive a consistent Online Humor Experience from visit-to-visit. But how do we do it?

Well, today, we'll take an exciting tour behind the scenes at Cabbages Central, the high-tech neurocenter where minutia, tedium, childhood trauma and scenes from the grocery store salad bar are fed through, washed, chopped, processed and packaged into regular bite-sized humor posts.

First we enter the Inspiration Room, the place where our Forensic Humor Investigators inspect and analyze all that is Truly-Funny, Might-Be-Funny or Pressed-For-Time-So-What-The-Heck.

Animatronic dancing gophers who groove to Kenny Loggins are always funny....

Bobblehead dolls based on the great names in literature are also funny...

Lots and lots of Johnny Depp action figures posed so it looks like they're talking to each other can be very funny, indeed!

Here you see the Cabbages Idea Documentation Lab. This is where we take the inspiration and add a crunchy outer coating. Only the very latest technology is good enough for this critical step in Cabbages post creation.

For example, just five years ago, Cabbages management made a significant technology investment to improve our connection to the burgeoning Web.

This technology is called "dial-up" and it changed the way Cabbages blog posts are created. Prior to this, all online composition was fueled through foot-power, generated by management on a stationary bike. The wonders of lightning-fast dial-up have allowed Cabbages to increase productivity by an incredible 2%!

Unfortunately, it has also caused your hostess to pack on a few pounds.

Once ideas for posts are generated, they sit in the Waiting Room. We give them year-old magazines and let them have a good think.

The moment they get bored enough to rise up and threaten to head to other blogs where they'll actually be appreciated, we choose an idea from the ranks and bring it into the Aesthetic Surgery Chamber.

Here we flesh out the idea and then give it the nips, tucks and really surprised look that makes it barely recognizable from what it once was. Then we shove it out into the world with the bandages still on.

This is how we ensure the bruised words, grammatical scars and discolored typos that make a Cabbages post truly unique.

Ideas that haven't been chosen at this point continue to wait in the Waiting Room, until they are either eventually selected and developed, or die of old age and irrelevance. In those latter cases, we sweep their decomposed skin and bones under the area rug and let the cleaning people deal with the rest.

We try not to ask too many questions about the disposal details, just in case there's a trial later.

Old King Cole Slaw, the blog's famous Front-cabbage and Chairman of these operations, is integral in day-to-day life here at Cabbages Central.

Like other powerful men and women of business, he sits in his office and "facilitates." This means he doesn't actually do any of the work, but knows how to tell your Blog Hostess to do things she's already currently working on in such a way that makes Cabbages look like it's crisis-solving.

In this way, Cabbages Central really isn't any different from your standard corporate structure.

Well, I hope you all enjoyed your time here at the factory today. Please take only one Everlasting Gobstopper on your way out, keep to the right of the First Draft Crematorium, and have yourself a truly Cabbagalicious Day.

Vote for this post at Humor-blogs. If it's actually there for voting. If not, well, er... Quite nice of you to have tried!


Da Old Man said...

This post was truly enlightening, just brimming, no, overflowing with the Cabbagaliciousness that we have come to appreciate.

Unknown said...

DaOldMan- And we at Cabbages appreciates not only your patronage, but your ability to use "Cabbagaliciousness" so skillfully in a sentence.

Anonymous said...

I love it! ROFL! Old King Cole Slaw! Hahahahaha!

I'll have you know that I have that very same Jack Sparrow on the left of your pic and I covet the Edward Scissorhands - he's beautiful! I don't have a Jane Austen bobblehead, but I do have bobbling Willy Wonka, who still has his fixed manic grin despite having his feet broken during our recent earthquake. He was the only casualty, poor guy.

Unknown said...

Jay- Heh- The King will appreciate your enthusiasm for his grand title. :)

That Jack Sparrow on the left is a troublemaker, Jay. He falls down constantly-- entirely too much rum, I'd guess. I'm always trying to keep him propped up.

Edward is a fave of mine, too. He's got little fabric clothes on. He came from a store we have here (and maybe you have in the UK, I don't know), called "Hot Topic."

PS- I know just the Willy Wonka bobblehead you're talking about.

Alice said...

I admire the fact that you have some sort of system. I just sort of pray to the gods that an idea will pop into my head at some point soon.

And I completely adore your Johnny Depp collection! *swoon*

Unknown said...

Alice- Oh, it will-- just don't panic!

And regarding Mr. Depp, thank you. Just wait until Christmas when I bring out my Johnny Depp Christmas Tree my friend Kitty made for me. It's totally certifiably insane, but I love it.

Anonymous said...

Edward was from Hot Topic? I've never seen them over here. I might have to try to get one of those from eBay.

As to the Jack being a troublemaker, all Jacks are troublemakers, but that's OK. I could handle him.. uh .. I mean, that. And yes, it's definitely the rum! LOL!

Jenn Thorson said...

Jay- If it's at all helpful to you in your Edward quest, his foot indicates he was made by a company called Mezco.

Greg said...'s like the Island of Misfit Toys there, except a little more twisted and sadistic-sounding.

Dial-up was your big upgrade...?!?! We should talk.

Unknown said...

Greg- Just because some of the toys have sharp scissors and others are a bit snockered, doesn't make it anything less than like an idyllic Christmas morn... okay, at Tim Burton's house.

But still.

And yes, Management is very happy with the advanced technology employed within the Cabbages facilities... I mean, who needs to see video, or listen to music or load pages in under 20 minutes anyway?

Overrated I say!