The Of Cabbages and Kings Career Test

In this tough economy, downsizing and industry shake-ups mean people are making career switches like never before.

But at Of Cabbages and Kings, we're here to help. So we've designed a simple quiz you can take, to assess your personality and guide you to the job you'd always dreamed of! (If that job is among the slim amount of choices we've predetermined based on our completely non-scientific series of questions and the fact that we're also pulling your general lower calf region. )

Let's get to it, then!


1.) In the morning, when responsibilities await me, I tend to:

a.) Get up and get 'er done
b.) Lie around for a few hours in bed, or possibly a farmer's field, and contemplate the meaning of responsibilities and whether they're socially-constructed
c.) Delegate the responsibility to someone else who'll get up and get 'er done. What do I have these people for, anyway?


2.) When life hands me lemons, I usually:

a.) Make a refreshing and lightly-tart iced beverage from them
b.) Wonder where those lemons came from and why anyone would plant a lemon tree here
c.) Wonder why no one's put them to good use yet, ring for service and lecture that person on the shameless lemon waste in society these days. Then insist on them making me a nice tall, cool glass o' lemony goodness.


3.) If I were to describe my greatest strengths, I would say they are:

a.) Loyalty, problem-solving and strong work ethics
b.) Ability to sit still for hours at a time and not wilt. Also ability to work closely with pork
c.) My keen sense of self-preservation, I look great on a jewel-encrusted chair and I always know who to hire to taste my food for me, even though that particular position tends to be a revolving door, the losers.


4.) If I were to describe my greatest weaknesses, I would say they are:

a.) The fact that I'm likely to be unemployed/am unemployed now
b.) I tend to get a bit gassy
c.) I have no weaknesses, and even if I do, we'll just see what my hired spin doctors have to say about it!


5.) If I have some free time, I like to spend it:

a.) With family, watching films/television, playing sports or reading
b.) Basking in the sun. Or rain. Or hail. Or whatever. I don't leave home much unless someone makes me.
c.) Counting the heads on pikes outside my window, or possibly doing the backstroke in my treasure room


6.) When I deal with other people, I would consider myself:

a.) Pretty outgoing, but with moments of reserve
b.) I keep to myself. Even in a row of others like me. I'm basically very quiet. Largely, because I'm introspective. But also because I have a head, but no mouth.
c.) A person of the people, absolutely. Easy-going. Magnanimous. Beloved. Warm. Kind-hearted. Sympathetic. Unless they annoy me, in which case, they had better not if they know what's bloody-well good for them.


7.) If I went on vacation, I would like to go:

a.) To the beach, or maybe the mountains, but I'm on a budget
b.) What's wrong with it right here? Here's nice. I have roots here. Haven't you heard of a staycation, dude?
c.) My summer palace. Or my winter palace. Or maybe just the far left wing of this place, since I've never actually been over there. I hear it's nice.


Congratulations! You completed the Of Cabbages and Kings Career Test!
Now, let's find out what the right career for you might be!

Simply tally up your total points according to the following chart:

• If you answered "a.," receive 1 point
• If you answered "b.," receive 2 points
• If you answered "c.," receive 3 points

If your score is 15 to 21-- You are a King, or some other form of royalty. Pursuing work is so below you, unless you can find yourself an out-of-work army looking to help you take over an already-floundering country, a royal seeking a significant other on eMonarchy.com or a C-level position in the banking industry where they might not notice the difference.

If your score is 12 to 14-- You are a Cabbage. You have your fans, but it's only because they understand your extremely subdued, low-key lifestyle. You don't have many on-the-job skills, but that doesn't really bother you. You're a loner who enjoys sitting, sunbathing and contemplating existential philosophy. Consider a career as a poet, a paperweight, or see if you can get adopted by a King.

If your score is 7 to 11-- You are one of the millions of regular-Joe drones in the work force, and probably have been downsized so some King or Cabbage could have your job and get absolutely nothing done. What career is right for you? How should I know? I'm a regular-Joe drone, too. So take what you can get. And good luck out there!

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What's Sprouting Up at Cabbages?

Meme-ish fun, lovely shiny awards, and any other newsworthy goodness from the desk of Old King Cole Slaw... See what's the latest!...

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9/16/11- Cosmic news!-- I have just published my first book. It's a humorous science fiction tale called There Goes the Galaxy. Folks who enjoy the humor and tone of Cabbages are likely to enjoy this novel. It's available on Amazon in print an ebook versions, and in the UK in ebook only right now. To find out what it's about, check out my book website at: http://www.jennthorson.com 

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1/19/11- Some happy news on the writing front! A post originally published here at Of Cabbages and Kings, called "Lewis Carroll Tests Out Jabberwocky" has been included in the latest edition of the Lewis Carroll Society of North America magazine, The Knight Letter. Being the Alice in Wonderland fan I have been since childhood, I'm still mentally recovering from the delight and honor of this.
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10/15/10- Well, I wrapped up the thoroughly-scrubbed draft of my humorous space-adventure novel last evening. Just need to integrate some hand-written changes, and I'll be ready to start showing some folks. Woot! 

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12/11/09- I received the kindest doodle for my birthday last week from TJ of A Look in a Creative Mind...

And creative, she is! With it went this poem...

Lady Jenn was about to go on a wordy trip
That would be filled with adventure, stories and laughter.
With a matching purse and hat and also a cape slung around her back,
she walked towards the door and she knew that she could write another folklore.

Before she could walk away, she was held back by good friend and King Cabbage.
He was frantically jumping around when he told her this little message:
Happy Happy Birthday My Dear Jenn.
May your life be filled with lots of Love, Luck and Zen!

I've never had anyone write me a poem before-- or do watercolor art for me, for that matter! So thank you again, TJ! You've done Old King Cole Slaw and me proud. :)
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6/21/09- A Cabbages post, "Of Bullets and Bad Comma: A Tale of Grammar Noir" won Second Place in the April/May 2009 Humorpress writing contest! I think Old King Cole Slaw and I are still in shock. You can read all the winning stories here.
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5/11/09- Holy BAFTAs, Batman! Two nice people gave awards to Cabbages this weekend...
The first is the very down-to-earth and funny Hammy of The Blah-Blahs and the Yada Yadas, with the "Right Scrap Award." The info on the award is that it's "bestowed upon a fellow blogger whose blog’s content or design is, in the giver’s opinion, brilliant. And when accepting this auspicious award, you must write a post bragging about it, including the name of the misguided soul who thinks you deserve such acclaim, and link back to the said person so everyone knows she/he is real. "

So, I'm including that here in honor of Hammy because he is not only real, but he's pleasantly delusional and reads my blog. I am also, according to the rules of the award, to share 10 honest facts about myself with you. I may do that in a future post, if I can fabricate 10 honest facts, and if so, I'll link to it from here.
The second kind person who gave an award to Cabbages was Etta Rose, of Sanity on Edge with the "2009 Friendly Blogger Award." It's funny how she has noticed how, in 2009, my plan has been to be friendly. Where in 2010, I've been thinking of trying out "Moody" and then 2011, I thought perhaps I'd go for "Sleepy and a Bit Confused." What do you think? Anyway, thank you to Etta Rose for thinking of me and my little home here in the Cabbage Patch.
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4/19/09- I would like to thank the Academy... er... okay, Babs Beetle... for the "Zombie Chicken Award." I realize as a result of this award, that I have been very diligent about planning human-based anti-zombie techniques, but extremely negligent in planning for the possibility of poultry-based zombie plague. Which has actually given me an idea for Wednesday's post. Now the rules of this award are as follows:

“The blogger who receives this award believes in the Tao of the zombie chicken - excellence, grace and persistence in all situations, even in the midst of a zombie apocalypse. These amazing bloggers regularly produce content so remarkable that their readers would brave a raving pack of zombie chickens just to be able to read their inspiring words. As a recipient of this world-renowned award, you now have the task of passing it on to at least 5 other worthy bloggers. Do not risk the wrath of the zombie chickens by choosing unwisely or not choosing at all…”

As you all know, I try not to hit my fellow bloggers up with having to address these awards, as most of my blogging buds have said they don't care for them. So I will brave the wrath of the zombie chicken myself. If you don't hear from me Wednesday, well... You'll know what happened.

I hope you'll think of me whenever you see a bucket of extra-crispy.

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3/27/09- Do you know what goes well with Cabbage? Lemonade! (Just go with me on this, 'kay-- I'm working up to a theme here). And Cabbages would like to thank Skye of Weekly Injection of Chuckles for the "Lemonade Award." The award is apparently for blogs that show "great attitude or gratitude." It's true that while I'm sometimes grumpy, Old King Cole Slaw has a really upbeat disposition. It's hard to keep a good veg down, I guess. Thanks, Skye!
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3/22/09- Cabbages received one of the really nicest awards from Margo over at Life in the Short Lane. It's one of those that just makes me feel extremely grateful and, well, sappy.

It's the "Beautiful Heart" award, for "bloggers who put their hearts, mind and soul into their blogs and give us a glimpse into their worlds. They are positive and may not realize it, but are leading by example. They inspire with their words, educate and inform. They entertain and uplift with their humor. They are welcoming, helpful and friendly and no one is a stranger, whether you’ve commented once or a million times. They are ever so wise and giving. Most of all, they have Beautiful Hearts."

Sniff... (dabbing at eyes with tissue) it's like the Hallmark channel but without Meredith Baxter Birney and Patty Duke. So... you know... good.
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3/13/09- Did you know Of Cabbages and Kings now is at its very own URL? Yup, the site is now located at http://www.cabbagesnkings.net -- So any of you nice people who are linking to Cabbages, if you could kindly update your links, Old King Cole Slaw and I would be really thankful.

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3/09/09- Of Cabbages and Kings celebrated it's one year bloggiversary! Woo-hoo! Cake, nachos, and birthday punch for everyone!!

(Hmm... maybe that punch and nachos wasn't such a good combination idea... Queasy cabbage...)

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3/03/09- Looks like EttaRose of SanityonEdge is suiting up Cabbages with a new pair of jeans with this kind Sisterhood Award. And best of all, it was a 100% guilt-free, meme free award.

Y'know, I hope these are the kind of Traveling Pants that fit just anybody... I've been hitting the Rosemary and Olive Oil Triscuits a bit heavy recently.

Thanks, EttaRose!

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2/27/09- Cabbages received a wonderful, unexpected write-up article on the Humorbloggers.com blog. Blogger Marvel Goose takes unique look at what possesses a gal who loves antiques and Victoriana to decide to give the ol' funny bone a workout by writing a humor blog. You can check it out here, iffn you're interested.
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2/27/09- Faith of the Quarter Life Crisis blog kindly awarded Cabbages the "Love Ya" award.

Many thank yous, Faith! You're a good egg, and it's terrific to be appreciated

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1/02/09- Ah, sweetie-dahlings, DrowseyMonkey has started the New Year by awarding little ol' Cabbages this to-die-for "Your Blog is Fabulous" award. And when I think "fabulous" I just want to put on my LeCroix couture, do lunch, have a Stoli and wonder about all the people who aren't as fortunate as I am to have a LeCroix outfit and this fabulous award.

It also makes me feel like PR-ing something.

Thank you, Drowsey, sweetie-dahling, for this lovely award. (For those confused, many apologies! Check out "Absolutely Fabulous" on BBCAmerica. It will all come clear. :)
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12/29/08- Meg from Prefers Her Fantasy Life-- while filled with hoppy cheer-- (read: her favorite brewski in a cool new Beatles glass Santa brought her)-- she awarded Cabbages this excellent "Blog Love" award.

And just look at that fine vintage typewriter! Why, that's the kind of nifty typewriter a writer should have, dontchathink? Y'know, fer lookin' all legit and serious about grammaricatin' 'n' stuff.

I promise, Peg, to grammaricate on it in your honor.

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12/08/08- I'd like to thank my blogging friend Olga the Traveling Bra for making the nifty-cool graphic of me in the Santa hat, which I've now added to my profile here, on my other blog, and on Twitter. You know, Olga is extremely talented, and I just don't know how she does it! I mean, she blogs, she designs graphics and she doesn't even have any fingers. It's really impressive!
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9/23/08- My friend, the beloved Crotchety Old Man, has kindly bestowed upon Cabbages the "Brainy Blog!" Award this week. I don't think this cabbagehead necessarily lives up to this high honor... I mean, remember, I'm the person who went out accidentally wearing two entirely different shoes once. And when faced with Hemingway in my writing class, I made the grand faux pas of telling my professor I'd rather read Gregory McDonald's Fletch books. But dear Crotchety is generous, as well as sweetly delusional. And that's what we, his readers, love about him. Thank you, Crotchety!

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8/18/08- So, like, this super-cool dude, Crotchety Old Man, has, like, totally given me this awesome "BFF"-- Blogging Friends Forever-- award? Which is mega-bitchin' because, like, it looks just like the sorta credit card I used when I bought my Juicy Coiture hoodie and that pink purse so I could carry my teacup poodle Rocko around? So, like, ohmigod, now we're gonna have to buy matching bling with our names on them or something... I haven't cried this much, but you know, happy crying, since, like, Cabbages got offered its own fragrance and it SO smells hotter than Paris Hilton's.

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8/14/08- UnfinishedRamblings kindly bestowed upon Cabbages the "Brillante" award. You can see it here looking very shiny and opalescent, kinda like the cool faceted crystal that used to hang from my rear-view mirror in my car, which eventually I had to take down because I was afraid it would use the sun to set my car's upholstery on fire. I miss that crystal. But now I have this much safer award. Thank you! Please forgive if like the "Kick-Ass Blogger Award" I don't forward it on. I've actually had my fellow bloggers thank me for the LACK of award, given this busy Awards Season. So I want to give everyone a little respite.

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08/11/08- Cabbages received the "Kick-Ass Blogger Award" from both Jay of TheDeppEffect, and Sebastyne of Sebastyne.net. I had no idea it was such common knowledge that I had attempted TaeBo once, spraining the aforementioned body part in a tragic Roundhouse Kick Accident that left me incapacitated and forced to relearn things like sitting, and gin rummy. I appreciate Jay's and Sebastyne's kind support over what ended up being a challenging, emotional, and somewhat purplish time for me.

Now I know this would normally be the part of the shebang where I should pass these awards on to five others. But I'm a little afraid to risk it at this point-- I mean, most of the bloggers I know are still smothered under Arte y Pico awards. So I will merely let it end here with a huge, huge thank you all for reading and for thinking of me. To be honest, just having folks who seem to enjoy reading the blog is more award than I could ever wish for.

Now... where did I put my foam chair donut?

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06/21/08- Check out the DoYouDiggIt.com review of Cabbages, entitled "Of Cabbages and Kings and Other Funny Things." Click here. Thanks so much to Mary Ward for such a thoughtful review.

The Of Cabbages and Kings Favorite Posts Revisited Cop-Out

Today, I thought it might be fun to take a look back at a few highlight posts in the early days of Of Cabbages and Kings... When humor blogging was fresh and new... When I was still fighting with Google to get indexed... And when my wide audience of regular readers were, um, Greg and Alice. (Thank you, Greg and Alice. You gave me the will to carry on.)

So here is a selection of my five favoritest but mostest under-readdest posts of the past:

• The Untimely Death of Raggedy Ann. Was it murder? Manslaughter? Or just an accident? Find out how Raggedy Ann went in for a simple makeover procedure and ended up dead at the side of the road. Childhood in Jersey is rough. Click here.

• Stealth Mom and the Mayonnaise Infiltration of 82. "It's for your own good." My mom was from a fine tradition of mothers determined to do what's good for their kids, whether the kids wanted it or not. Mom somehow thought she could build character by sneaking things like the dreaded mayo into my foods using determination and covert spy techniques. Click here.

• Introducing Presidential Candidate Bitler. What happens if a presidential candidate has everything it takes to be a great US president -- except for a few unfortunate surface traits coincidentally reminiscent of a familiar German dictator? Find out.

• The Great Glass Cat-napping of Cubicle Two. Before The Office and Office Space, folks like me were just starting out in cubicle hell. And how do you make grim office life a little more fun? Why, you kidnap your coworker's entire collection of glass cat figurines, and leave notes behind in their place. Better than a stapler in Jello! Read the whole story.

• Magic Fingers Ma and the Quest for the Megablender. While the Olympics don't currently feature Skiballing as one of their competitive events, they should. Back in the 70s, my mother was an ace. Join my family on its retro-vacation quest to win Mom the be-all-end-all of ski-ball prizes-- the five-speed blender in Harvest Orange. Click here.

And before you go today, you also might get a laugh from the most recent post on my thrifting blog-- as the women in a 1940s Spry shortening cookbook are mysteriously... improved.... one by one from feisty city girls to happy housewives devoted to nothing other than obsessive cooking with Spry. Welcome to.... The Spryford Wives. Click here.

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The Magical 'Of Cabbages and Kings' Humor Factory Tour

Here at Of Cabbages and Kings, our Quality Control Managers (okay, the Jane Austen Bobblehead on my desk and I) work tirelessly to ensure readers like you receive a consistent Online Humor Experience from visit-to-visit. But how do we do it?

Well, today, we'll take an exciting tour behind the scenes at Cabbages Central, the high-tech neurocenter where minutia, tedium, childhood trauma and scenes from the grocery store salad bar are fed through, washed, chopped, processed and packaged into regular bite-sized humor posts.

First we enter the Inspiration Room, the place where our Forensic Humor Investigators inspect and analyze all that is Truly-Funny, Might-Be-Funny or Pressed-For-Time-So-What-The-Heck.

Animatronic dancing gophers who groove to Kenny Loggins are always funny....


Bobblehead dolls based on the great names in literature are also funny...


Lots and lots of Johnny Depp action figures posed so it looks like they're talking to each other can be very funny, indeed!


Here you see the Cabbages Idea Documentation Lab. This is where we take the inspiration and add a crunchy outer coating. Only the very latest technology is good enough for this critical step in Cabbages post creation.


For example, just five years ago, Cabbages management made a significant technology investment to improve our connection to the burgeoning Web.

This technology is called "dial-up" and it changed the way Cabbages blog posts are created. Prior to this, all online composition was fueled through foot-power, generated by management on a stationary bike. The wonders of lightning-fast dial-up have allowed Cabbages to increase productivity by an incredible 2%!

Unfortunately, it has also caused your hostess to pack on a few pounds.

Once ideas for posts are generated, they sit in the Waiting Room. We give them year-old magazines and let them have a good think.

The moment they get bored enough to rise up and threaten to head to other blogs where they'll actually be appreciated, we choose an idea from the ranks and bring it into the Aesthetic Surgery Chamber.

Here we flesh out the idea and then give it the nips, tucks and really surprised look that makes it barely recognizable from what it once was. Then we shove it out into the world with the bandages still on.

This is how we ensure the bruised words, grammatical scars and discolored typos that make a Cabbages post truly unique.

Ideas that haven't been chosen at this point continue to wait in the Waiting Room, until they are either eventually selected and developed, or die of old age and irrelevance. In those latter cases, we sweep their decomposed skin and bones under the area rug and let the cleaning people deal with the rest.

We try not to ask too many questions about the disposal details, just in case there's a trial later.

Old King Cole Slaw, the blog's famous Front-cabbage and Chairman of these operations, is integral in day-to-day life here at Cabbages Central.


Like other powerful men and women of business, he sits in his office and "facilitates." This means he doesn't actually do any of the work, but knows how to tell your Blog Hostess to do things she's already currently working on in such a way that makes Cabbages look like it's crisis-solving.

In this way, Cabbages Central really isn't any different from your standard corporate structure.

Well, I hope you all enjoyed your time here at the factory today. Please take only one Everlasting Gobstopper on your way out, keep to the right of the First Draft Crematorium, and have yourself a truly Cabbagalicious Day.

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Um... Why Cabbages?

Is the author just seriously into her veg? Or trying to explain the many splendors of roughage?

Neither!

The title of this blog is a nod to Lewis Carroll's poem "The Walrus and the Carpenter" from his book Through the Looking Glass and What Alice Found There:

'The time has come,' the Walrus said
'To talk of many things:
Of shoes--and ships--and sealing-wax--
Of cabbages--and kings--
And why the sea is boiling hot--
And whether pigs have wings.'

Ol' Lewie knew a thing or two about finding irony and whimsy in every day life.

Somehow, it only seemed right.