King Tut's Royal Image Vizier

Recently, technology has given us all new insights into the life of King Tut-- revealing that ancient Egypt's Golden Boy didn't just sit around putting on eye-makeup, making decrees, and giggling over erotic cartouches like other Boy Kings.

No, young Tutankhamun also suffered from a cleft palate, a club foot, and a good old-fashioned case of malaria.

Now, this comes as a surprise to many of us, who have pretty much pictured him as a Richie Rich in a loincloth, up to his fake beard in gold home accessories and cats.

But that's just thanks to the ancient Egyptian PR and damage control tactics of one very talented Royal Image Vizier.

This is how it all started.

VIZIER: Tut babysweetieboobie, how ya feelin'?...

Pardon?.... "Mired and Foogurts"? What are they-- a new Giza lawfirm or something?

Oh, you mean you're tired from the malaria and from dragging that club foot around... Sorry, kid, it's a little hard to understand you with that cleft palate.

Well, here's the thing, Tutty-baby. Don't you worry about any of that, I've got it all worked out.

See-- yes, soon you're gonna be introduced as the ruler of Egypt, the representative of the gods on Earth...

(A pretty nice living, if I do say so myself, congratulations. I'd like a gig like that myself some day.)

But as we both know, the people of Egypt have some expectations for their living gods. And mumbling and dragging a leg ain't it, ya follow me? You don't want to go down in history as King Gimpy al-Mushmouth.

So here's the dish, Tut-baby. For the clubbed foot. We've developed a new thing. It's a twist on the Royal Litter. But instead of four eunuchs carrying you around on a silk stretcher, we've built this throne with a big hollow platform under it.

And what we do is, we have the four guys inside it, moving you around from underneath. Nobody can see 'em, and it looks like you're gliding around unaided. It'll be really god-like, it'll drive the crowds wild, trust me....

What do we call it?...

Well, we're thinking of calling it the "PharaohRound." Yeah, we're working on the copyright for that now. I'll let you know when it comes through. Anyway, I think you'll like it. Very comfortable. Very regal. It's a good look for you. And nobody'll see that foot.

Okay, so next, there's the cleft palate issue. Since reconstructive maxiofacial surgery won't be invented for a few years yet, and the people need to be able to hear your royal announcements, we've got a thing we'd like to try.

Yeah, just something to get your message to the people without them knowing about your little oral presentation problem.

Now, what we're thinking is, you've already got the guys under the Pharaohround, right?

Well, one of them will memorize your speeches in advance and saythem for you. You, meanwhile, will just move your mouth to the words at the same time as he does. So it will sound like it comes from you...

Yes, it is innovative. We're calling it Lip-Sphinxing, on account of how the Sphinx was known for his wisdom and gift for gab.

Yeah, I like it, too.

So anyway, with the Pharaohround and the Lip-Sphinxing, I think we'll be able to get you through this. You can pose for a few golden statues, we'll prop you up for a few strategically-placed wall paintings... everybody will buy it, no problem. And—

What's that Tut-baby?... Oh, what do you do about groupies?

Well, I'd just keep quiet if I were you. Girls dig the silent type.

Anyway, since you wear more makeup than a tattooed temple dancer, you might not have to worry about that.

We'll cross that aquaduct when we get to it, knowwhatImsayin'?

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Humorbloggers

Introducing Presidential Candidate Bitler

On BlogCatalog the other day, someone posted a discussion, "Obama Mis-spelled as Osama." There, the blogger indicated that because the two names shared some letters, this similarity was both important and detrimental to the United States and Obama's candidacy.

And that got me thinking. Does this mean if a candidate-- just your average joe politician-- named, say, "Bitler" came along, would Bitler have a hard time grabbing the votes?

So as a tribute to Bob Newhart's early stand-up career, I thought we would explore what exactly might happen if a smart, aspiring, regular guy named "George Bitler" decided to run for President... But doesn't realize his unfortunate surface similarities to certain German megalomaniac. What kind of conversation would there be when he meets his new image consultant in person for the very first time?

Well, it might go something like this...

BITLER IMAGE CONSULTANT: Why, George Bitler!-- It's great to finally meet you in person. I really think you've got a bright future ahead of you, George. You know the issues. You have a fresh take on things. It's just, um, there are a few things I think we might need to adjust a little in order for you to truly resonate with the American people...

What's that? Oh, well, no-- your platform is great. But I was thinking more along the lines of... Well, first of all, can you shave the mustache?

Oh, what's wrong with the mustache? Well, George, you know, the mustache is... well, it's a little... SMALL.

Well, yes, I think it looks great, too, George. Yes, yes, very powerful! But see, that toothbrush mustache look went out of style in, well, really, it's... it's been quite a few years now. And it might not have the impact you're hoping for when you go out there and are, um, kissing babies...

No, no, I just think mothers might have a problem with you kissing their babies with that mustache, George. So let's at least think about shaving it off, okay?... Good.

Okay, now, I was looking at some footage of one of your speeches....

Which one? Well, in particular, the one you gave to the airport worker's union. Yes, yes, it was beautiful weather that day. Nice to be outside on a day like that, isn't it?

Well, George, I was looking at that footage and... it's about your body language. I'd like to recommend you tone down some of the arm-waving movements.

Yeah, see, going forward I think maybe the arm swinging, the saluting--

No, no, I understand, George, it is an attention-getter. That it is. But I think what you really want is people to be concentrating on your words, George. Your words...

And I noticed you sorta lost their attention a little at the point that those planes thought they were being waved in.

I mean, we've got you scheduled out at Dullas at least once or twice, and JFK, too, so, well... We're gonna be near the airport, George. So I really think it might be best if you keep the arm movements to a minimum. Maybe just try clasping your hands in front of you, and keeping the salutes a bit more low-key...

No, I really don't think they'll think you're any less patriotic if you don't salute. Just trust me on this, George. Less arm-waving.

All right. Now. I spotted this on the footage, and I can't help noticing it now, too-- you're wearing all beige. Do you... tend to wear all beige often, George?

Ah, you do, hm? You get sweaty and you think it's cooler for you when you're under all those hot lights? Yeah, sure, I can understand that, George. Those lights do get really hot.

But, you see, beige really doesn't... well... you're running for the President of the United States, George, and wearing all beige all the time, well, it says to the American people you're... not easily able to adapt to situations. It kind of looks like... well... a uniform, to be honest, George.

Now what you need is a nice strong navy blue, or a brown, or a gray suit, but...

Yes, I know, those are darker colors and will only absorb the lights, George. But, look, we'll get you some fans, bottled water, and a really good anti-perspirant. You'll be fine.

Okay, the last thing I wanted to bring up, and I'm not sure how exactly to do this, so I'm just going to ask... The armband. What's the deal with the red, white and black armband, George?

Oh, you're setting a trend, are you? It's for... for black lung? Oh, I see-- your dad was a miner and it's in memory of American miners who died of black lung. That's really nice, George. So that black logo in the center is...?

Some crossed pick axes. Right, sorta like Lance Armstrong has the yellow rubber bracelet, you have the red, black and white armband with the crossed pick axes...

Well, gee, George, yes, that is a really nice sentiment and... and... a heckuva great cause. But see, I just think in these early days of your candidacy you're going to want to be a little more broad with your causes...

No, no, I think it's a great thing! But, um, I'm just saying it'll be easier for you if you don't wear your causes on your sleeve, quite so literally.

Sure, you know, and plus, we've got a whole team of guys who'll work on promoting your issues and doing merchandising. Right, it's their jobs, they're getting paid for this sort of thing. So, really, if you don't let them at least try to do some new logos and promo pieces for you, well, they're gonna get insulted. It's these artistic types, George. You know how they are.

Yes, of course, we'll certainly take the logo you designed into account when we design our promotions.

Just focus right now, George, on getting rid of the mustache, finding a nice blue suit, toning down the body language and leaving the armband at home. You do that, and the Bitler campaign will pretty much take care of itself.

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I bet Bob Newhart would have LOVED Humor-blogs.