King Tut's Royal Image Vizier

Recently, technology has given us all new insights into the life of King Tut-- revealing that ancient Egypt's Golden Boy didn't just sit around putting on eye-makeup, making decrees, and giggling over erotic cartouches like other Boy Kings.

No, young Tutankhamun also suffered from a cleft palate, a club foot, and a good old-fashioned case of malaria.

Now, this comes as a surprise to many of us, who have pretty much pictured him as a Richie Rich in a loincloth, up to his fake beard in gold home accessories and cats.

But that's just thanks to the ancient Egyptian PR and damage control tactics of one very talented Royal Image Vizier.

This is how it all started.

VIZIER: Tut babysweetieboobie, how ya feelin'?...

Pardon?.... "Mired and Foogurts"? What are they-- a new Giza lawfirm or something?

Oh, you mean you're tired from the malaria and from dragging that club foot around... Sorry, kid, it's a little hard to understand you with that cleft palate.

Well, here's the thing, Tutty-baby. Don't you worry about any of that, I've got it all worked out.

See-- yes, soon you're gonna be introduced as the ruler of Egypt, the representative of the gods on Earth...

(A pretty nice living, if I do say so myself, congratulations. I'd like a gig like that myself some day.)

But as we both know, the people of Egypt have some expectations for their living gods. And mumbling and dragging a leg ain't it, ya follow me? You don't want to go down in history as King Gimpy al-Mushmouth.

So here's the dish, Tut-baby. For the clubbed foot. We've developed a new thing. It's a twist on the Royal Litter. But instead of four eunuchs carrying you around on a silk stretcher, we've built this throne with a big hollow platform under it.

And what we do is, we have the four guys inside it, moving you around from underneath. Nobody can see 'em, and it looks like you're gliding around unaided. It'll be really god-like, it'll drive the crowds wild, trust me....

What do we call it?...

Well, we're thinking of calling it the "PharaohRound." Yeah, we're working on the copyright for that now. I'll let you know when it comes through. Anyway, I think you'll like it. Very comfortable. Very regal. It's a good look for you. And nobody'll see that foot.

Okay, so next, there's the cleft palate issue. Since reconstructive maxiofacial surgery won't be invented for a few years yet, and the people need to be able to hear your royal announcements, we've got a thing we'd like to try.

Yeah, just something to get your message to the people without them knowing about your little oral presentation problem.

Now, what we're thinking is, you've already got the guys under the Pharaohround, right?

Well, one of them will memorize your speeches in advance and saythem for you. You, meanwhile, will just move your mouth to the words at the same time as he does. So it will sound like it comes from you...

Yes, it is innovative. We're calling it Lip-Sphinxing, on account of how the Sphinx was known for his wisdom and gift for gab.

Yeah, I like it, too.

So anyway, with the Pharaohround and the Lip-Sphinxing, I think we'll be able to get you through this. You can pose for a few golden statues, we'll prop you up for a few strategically-placed wall paintings... everybody will buy it, no problem. And—

What's that Tut-baby?... Oh, what do you do about groupies?

Well, I'd just keep quiet if I were you. Girls dig the silent type.

Anyway, since you wear more makeup than a tattooed temple dancer, you might not have to worry about that.

We'll cross that aquaduct when we get to it, knowwhatImsayin'?

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Humorbloggers

Unsolicited Advice and Other Tidbits from Auntie Jenn

Life's all about learnin'. So today, my reader friends, I thought I'd share some observations and a little homespun advice on some topics near-and-dear to my heart...

Or, at least, exploding in my coat pocket this last week.

Yesseree, it's a pot luck o' miscellany, here at Cabbages today, so tuck yer napkin in yer collar, 'n dig in!

• Barbecue sauce packets tucked in the pocket of a suede jacket for later home use = ticking time bomb.

• Just because a distance looks "right around the corner" on a map, does not make it "a short, pleasant walk." Remember, bloody stumps are never fashionable no matter how cute your shoes are.

• At any fast food restaurant, if there are two, normally-standard items you do not wish to have on your food, ask to remove only the one you'd have to scrape off. The Law of Fast Food Averages states you have a 90% chance of avoiding one item, but only a 10% chance of avoiding both.

• Optimism is seeing the glass half-full. Pessimism is seeing the glass half-empty. But you're never disappointed if you're just grateful for the glass.

• Suntan and the world embraces you. Burn and peel, and you might as well wear a sign that reads "Leper for Rent."

• Backless shoes and speed are mutually-exclusive.

• You can tell whether Brad Pitt's character in any movie has gone mad by his facial hair. Insane = beard. Not insane = no beard.

• Never expect an errant shrubbery to go down without a fight. Wear goggles.
  

• He who laughs last... probably didn't make a joke quite as funny as he thought it was.

• Pedestrians' walking speed reduces by half the moment they are jaywalking directly in front of your stopped car.
  

Well, that's what's been on the ol' noggin lately, folks. Any wisdom to share of your own? Love to hear it!

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How to Write How-To: A Tutorial With Tips

Tips… Helpful hints… Who doesn’t turn to the Internet for a little advice these days? But I’m starting to suspect the demand for know-how is greater than the information online that’s actually… oh… not so obvious that a street-savvy Pomeranian couldn’t figure it out.

Or write it.

Like an article I read recently on Yahoo HotJobs. In “What the Boss’ Body Language Says,” author Pat Mayfield lets us know that the boss MIGHT NOT LIKE YOU if s/he:

• In groups, avoids you, sits with others, or does not introduce you.
• Does not look at you; has a cold, glaring, staring, or glazed-over look.
• Raises one eyebrow as if in disbelief or doubt.
• Jaw muscles are clenched, and temple or neck veins throb.
• Smile is stiff and forced.
• Points or wags his or her finger aggressively.

Um, did we NEED an article to tell us this? That if the boss glares at you, you might not be his office pet?

That an angry, finger-waving, forced-smiling, vein-throbbing, glaring, staring, doubting, ducking manager-type MIGHT NOT be sending you flowers and chockies along with your next paycheck? GOSH, but it’s so SUBTLE! Thank goodness we had this article!

(I was actually surprised “Gives you the pink-slip” wasn’t on the list.)

Of course, I’m also not a nationally-published advice columnist, or self-employed business consultant, so what do I know?

Which got me thinking. Perhaps I’m just not taking advantage of an important writing market. So I’ve compiled a list of possible topics that I feel might make a real splash on the internet how-to feature circuit. They include:

“Protecting Yourself from Home Invasion: Ten Steps to Locking the Door.”

“Why I Started Surfing at the Ocean: A Learning Experience.”

“How to Increase Your SEO by 100%-- If You Currently Have No Website.”

"Teach Yourself the Kazoo in Just Five Minutes a Day."

“He’s Just Not That Into You: Why That Restraining Order Really DOES Affect Your Relationship.”

So what do you all think? Am I headed for a bright and shiny future in the-- ?

Oh... sorry. Gotta go. My Pomeranian needs to use the computer; deadline, you know.


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Pomeranians write all sorts of posts over at Humor-blogs.