King Tut's Royal Image Vizier

Recently, technology has given us all new insights into the life of King Tut-- revealing that ancient Egypt's Golden Boy didn't just sit around putting on eye-makeup, making decrees, and giggling over erotic cartouches like other Boy Kings.

No, young Tutankhamun also suffered from a cleft palate, a club foot, and a good old-fashioned case of malaria.

Now, this comes as a surprise to many of us, who have pretty much pictured him as a Richie Rich in a loincloth, up to his fake beard in gold home accessories and cats.

But that's just thanks to the ancient Egyptian PR and damage control tactics of one very talented Royal Image Vizier.

This is how it all started.

VIZIER: Tut babysweetieboobie, how ya feelin'?...

Pardon?.... "Mired and Foogurts"? What are they-- a new Giza lawfirm or something?

Oh, you mean you're tired from the malaria and from dragging that club foot around... Sorry, kid, it's a little hard to understand you with that cleft palate.

Well, here's the thing, Tutty-baby. Don't you worry about any of that, I've got it all worked out.

See-- yes, soon you're gonna be introduced as the ruler of Egypt, the representative of the gods on Earth...

(A pretty nice living, if I do say so myself, congratulations. I'd like a gig like that myself some day.)

But as we both know, the people of Egypt have some expectations for their living gods. And mumbling and dragging a leg ain't it, ya follow me? You don't want to go down in history as King Gimpy al-Mushmouth.

So here's the dish, Tut-baby. For the clubbed foot. We've developed a new thing. It's a twist on the Royal Litter. But instead of four eunuchs carrying you around on a silk stretcher, we've built this throne with a big hollow platform under it.

And what we do is, we have the four guys inside it, moving you around from underneath. Nobody can see 'em, and it looks like you're gliding around unaided. It'll be really god-like, it'll drive the crowds wild, trust me....

What do we call it?...

Well, we're thinking of calling it the "PharaohRound." Yeah, we're working on the copyright for that now. I'll let you know when it comes through. Anyway, I think you'll like it. Very comfortable. Very regal. It's a good look for you. And nobody'll see that foot.

Okay, so next, there's the cleft palate issue. Since reconstructive maxiofacial surgery won't be invented for a few years yet, and the people need to be able to hear your royal announcements, we've got a thing we'd like to try.

Yeah, just something to get your message to the people without them knowing about your little oral presentation problem.

Now, what we're thinking is, you've already got the guys under the Pharaohround, right?

Well, one of them will memorize your speeches in advance and saythem for you. You, meanwhile, will just move your mouth to the words at the same time as he does. So it will sound like it comes from you...

Yes, it is innovative. We're calling it Lip-Sphinxing, on account of how the Sphinx was known for his wisdom and gift for gab.

Yeah, I like it, too.

So anyway, with the Pharaohround and the Lip-Sphinxing, I think we'll be able to get you through this. You can pose for a few golden statues, we'll prop you up for a few strategically-placed wall paintings... everybody will buy it, no problem. And—

What's that Tut-baby?... Oh, what do you do about groupies?

Well, I'd just keep quiet if I were you. Girls dig the silent type.

Anyway, since you wear more makeup than a tattooed temple dancer, you might not have to worry about that.

We'll cross that aquaduct when we get to it, knowwhatImsayin'?


Anonymous said...

Satire, but SO true as well. If photography was available to royalty hundreds (if not thousands) of years ago, we'd see a bunch of hideous, inbred folk with a plethora of physical abnormalities.

Over the centuries painters were asked to paint their subjects 'in a better light', but we know the truth. I think that's part of the reason the British royals abhore Princess Diana so much - her beauty (inside and out) was unquestionable and yet still accessible to the public at large.

Anonymous said...

Well, it's no shock that he had all those congenital problems! The Egyptian royal families regularly married their sisters. (Um, ew?)

Of course, I majored in Anthropology/Archaeology in college so this stuff is right up alley. ;)

Unknown said...

Corey- Yeah, the news was saying both the cleft palate and clubbed foot WERE hereditary. I think it was his father had both of them, too. It IS funny how much technology has changed how we view our leaders... and it will be interesting to see how we look back on the footage.

Mattie- Big 'eww,' yes. :) It's no wonder half of them were completely mad, either. And cool it is that you majored in Anthropology/Archaeology... I know it requires a ton of patience, but it really is a fascinating area.

Jay said...

Hahaha! Yes, indeed - I can well imagine the scene!

Terry Pratchett did a wonderful take on the Royal Vizier thing, and how they were a bit like Permanent Under Secretaries here in the UK. They are the ones who really run the country, you know. The politicians are just like puppets. According to the hit TV series 'Yes, Minister'. Tee hee.

Speedcat Hollydale said...

Well, it all sounds logical, but you will not catch me Lip-Sphinxing anytime soon ;-)

Unknown said...

Jay- I love that you love Terry Pratchett too. In "Mort" I know the Clatchian Vizier was trying really hard to poison the young emperor with some dangerous squeeshi, which kept getting lobbed across the table in skilled volleys. :)

Speedy- Aw, come on-- not even "Walk Like an Egyptian"? :)

Speedcat Hollydale said...

Well sure, if I can sing with that hottie from the Bengles. They did sing that song, no ??

Speedcat Hollydale said...

do do do dooo dooooo, da do do dooo dooooooo

Unknown said...

Speedy- See, I KNEW you had it in you! Lovely singing voice! said...

With a pretty golden boy mask like that, who's going to notice a little thing like a cleft palate or a club foot? Gotta get me one of them there PharaohRounds!

Unknown said...

CatLady- I think we could set you up with a nice headdress to go with your PharaohRound, too.

It would blow dramatically in the breeze while they moved you from place to place. :)

stillthinking said...

Bahahaha! When I read about this the other day, my first thought was, "how is it they are only discovering this now" and my second thought was "that gold death mask was so inaccurate". Thanks for explaining the PR machinations of the Egyptian royals. Now, the lip synching trick, do you think that's what happened during the Bush administration? Is that why Dick Cheney was in hiding for 7 years? He was actually scurrying around under a magical floating platform and making Bush's speeches for him? Maybe all of Bush's gaffes were actually moments when Cheney lost his place and Bush had to improvise in order to not blow his cover. Thanks, Jenn for another comic gem.

Lisa @ Boondock Ramblings said...

My God, woman! what you have you been smoking?