Unsolicited Advice and Other Tidbits from Auntie Jenn

Life's all about learnin'. So today, my reader friends, I thought I'd share some observations and a little homespun advice on some topics near-and-dear to my heart...

Or, at least, exploding in my coat pocket this last week.

Yesseree, it's a pot luck o' miscellany, here at Cabbages today, so tuck yer napkin in yer collar, 'n dig in!

  • Barbecue sauce packets tucked in the pocket of a suede jacket for later home use = ticking time bomb.
  • Just because a distance looks "right around the corner" on a map, does not make it "a short, pleasant walk." Remember, bloody stumps are never fashionable no matter how cute your shoes are.
  • At any fast food restaurant, if there are two, normally-standard items you do not wish to have on your food, ask to remove only the one you'd have to scrape off. The Law of Fast Food Averages states you have a 90% chance of avoiding one item, but only a 10% chance of avoiding both.
  • Optimism is seeing the glass half-full. Pessimism is seeing the glass half-empty. But you're never disappointed if you're just grateful for the glass.
  • Suntan and the world embraces you. Burn and peel, and you might as well wear a sign that reads "Leper for Rent."
  • Backless shoes and speed are mutually-exclusive.
  • You can tell whether Brad Pitt's character in any movie has gone mad by his facial hair. Insane = beard. Not insane = no beard.
  • Never expect an errant shrubbery to go down without a fight. Wear goggles.
  • He who laughs last... probably didn't make a joke quite as funny as he thought it was.
  • Pedestrians' walking speed reduces by half the moment they are jaywalking directly in front of your stopped car.
Well, that's what's been on the ol' noggin lately, folks. Any wisdom to share of your own? Love to hear it!



Da Old Man said...

Auntie Jenn, you did leave off one --the more important your upcomng meeting, the greater the chance you'll spill coffee on yourself, the cheeseburger will squirt ketchup uncontrollably on your shirt, and every single light will turn red just as you approach it.

Unknown said...

Da Old Man- I firmly believe that red light theory, compounded usually by the elderly lady in a Bonneville going 10 miles an hour and breaking for stray leaves. Good one, Joe!

Miss Shirl said...

Lol! Here in hillbilly land they'll say stuff like "Ol Billy Jo Jim Bob lives down the road a little ways just keep going right down that there holler." 70 miles later... I could have sworn he said it was a lille way down the road. Moral of the story never completely believe a hillbilly. :)

Unknown said...

Shirley- Ha, good advice to keep in mind.

Our area, too, gives directions along the lines of landmarks-- often in the context of what USED to be there. "Turn at where Billy Jo Jim Bob's car garage used to be."

Not helpful to a person not from the area, who neither knows what used to be where, or who Billy Jo Jim Bob was. :)

Miss Shirl said...

Yup! I can soooooo relate.

Matt said...

those are great....what does it say if Brad Pitt is eating in a movie?? Who am I kidding?? He eats in every movie.

Unknown said...

Matt- Now you mention it, I believe he was noshing quite a bit in the Jesse James film I just saw. (Noshing PLUS beard = crazy over-eater) :) I'll have to pay more attention to his eating habits.

Only I don't actively pursue seeing his films. He just seems to lurk in stuff I didn't realize weren't Pitt-free.

Anonymous said...

wonderful stuff..I didn't think it was that far it was only have a pinkie finger on the map

Jenn Thorson said...

Confused- Re: the pinkie finger, ah- so did I... so did I... Unfortunately, I have the foot scars to prove otherwise. :) Don't let it happen to you.

MYM said...

Ahh...words to live by.

That brad pitt thing is so true!

Unknown said...

Drowsey- I'm glad other folks see the connection, too. I've been observing this for a few years now, ever since I had to sit through "Legends of the Fall."

"Hanging on a Hyphen" said...

You must have esp or something. That thing about the sauce on a suede jacket was too close to my own experience, the day I attended a party and when no one is looking, I put a slice of pork chop on my pocket thinking I could have it for later when I get back home (I can't cook). I forgot about it and discovered a gaping hole on my jacket the next day, a souvenir from the rat that ate my pork chop. Nice post actually, it didn't suck at all.