Dead Man Calling

"...If you or a loved one suffered serious injury or death," explained the commercial.

My brain immediately blocked out just which lawfirm it was, and what medicines they were pitching for Class Action Ambulance Chasing Fun, to dwell on that last bit.

In fact, my Internal English Teacher wrote the sentence on my mental chalkboard.

"If you or a loved one suffered serious injury or death."

"If you..." (erase, erase, erase) "...suffered death..."

Yep. That was it. That's the kicker!

It brought to mind rather Beetlejuician visions, where all these Recently Deceased folks are sitting in an Otherworld reception area for the offices of Dedham, Digman and Moribund waiting to collect on their death through no fault of their own in some grand post-mortum legal loophole.

"Hey, buddy-- You die due to side effects including spontaneous head implosion, bleeding from the eyes and uncontrolled samba?" one client asks the other conversationally, as he peers over a dusty, dog-eared copy of Morta Slewhart's Afterdeath Living magazine.

"Yep. But I hear Dedham, Digman and Moribund are the best in the industry. They'll get us what's coming to us. Of course, it's their 75% cut of the damages award that really kills me," says the other.

It almost makes me wish I recalled the lawfirm running the ad. Can you see it now?

"Hi, yes, I'm calling because I saw your ad? I recently suffered death while taking the drug Ixplasm, and I was wondering what you could do to help."

How much do you want to bet, they'd take down the caller's contact information without batting an eye? Name, address, doctor's name...

"And when exactly did you die, ma'am?"

"Last week. I would have contacted you sooner, but up until yesterday I was fighting sandworms. You lose your sense of time when fighting sandworms, you know."

"We hear that all the time. Now-- next of kin? Please spell the names, last name first."

Okay, I made up that last bit. ("No, really?" No-- honest. I did.) But I still think you could get pretty far into the client qualification process before they noticed that pesky little Dead Man Calling problem.

Which now has me wondering about cell phone coverage. I mean, the range for, say, Yerizin Wireless to even connect the call, well, it's got to be a lot better service than the rest of us are getting.


Jaffer said...

It's late evening and I enter the room expecting it to be full of people - but I find it empty.

"Hello ?" I said only to hear my echo.

There's a table laid out with snacks and punch. I bite into a corn-chip and realise that even the host of the party is missing.

"This is odd !" I thought to myself, "It's as it all the commentators were chased away !"

"Chase !"

... "What's happening to me ... I'm ... vanishing ?... "

Jeanne Estridge said...

Saw your icon over at Corey's and it drew me over (because I LOVE Alice in Wonderland. And Alice Through the Looking Glass). And it turns out you're really funny.


Jaffer said...

... (reappearing) ... (walking to snack table) ... (grabbing jar of sauerkraut) ... (walking back to the centre of the room and vanishing again)

Jenn Thorson said...

Jaffer- Well, thanks for getting the party rolling, my friend! It's funny how quiet it was yesterday. I'm guessing the post was too weird for supplemental commentary or... I don't know. :) Someone Stumbled it yesterday, so it can't have been just too awful for words. But hey, that's blogging!...

May I offer you another corn chip?

Jeanne- Corey's a terrific fellow. And I'm so glad you visited.

Melanie said...

LOL! I saw that same commercial and made a very similar observation to my hubby. "I wonder how many dead people are watching this commercial to get the number to call in."

What other commercials do the recently deceased watch? There's a whole new niche for advertisers to fill!

Jenn Thorson said...

Melanie- YAY!!! Someone else saw this ad! You've made me so happy.

I was beginning to think I was just imagining it... Only I actually WROTE DOWN the phrase-- and I normally don't take very good notes on my hallucinations. :)

I would imagine given the number of specialized niche cable channels out there, the Recently Deceased really could have their own network by now. RIP-TV perhaps.

MikeWJ at Too Many Mornings said...

"Morta Slewhart's Afterdeath Living."

Wonderfully clever, Jenn. You should work in marketing or something. Maybe you could help the death lawyers revamp their stupid ads.

Jenn Thorson said...

Mike- Heh, I didn't know if anyone caught that. :)

Hey, I LOVE these homegrown TV ads in particular-- the more local they are, the more entertaining they inadvertently become. :) Why mess with a constant font of humor?

Deray said...

*grabs Jaffer by the hand and starts dancing*

I wonder if you record that commercial in an EVP session you will get the same information or someone talking in an ultratomb voice saying: "meeee, I took Ixplasm to cure my bunioooon"

Jenn Thorson said...

Deray- Wow, you two are very light on your feet-- nice moves!

Your EVP comment really had me laughing. Maybe they need to call the Ghost Hunters. :)