If Social Media Venues Had Theme Songs

The world's going increasingly multimedia. Video and web sites have become like Cheez Whiz to cheesesteak...

Online ads have transformed into mini-iMax presentations, only without someone kicking your chair...

And bloggers insist on sharing their favorite tunes as a kind of background Muzak you can't shut off quickly enough, particularly if the boss is coming by, not that that ever happens because we don't ever read these things at work no really...

(ahem)...

All designed to offer a more dynamic, sensory-oriented online experience.

But I've noticed that with all the new goodies social media sites have, they don't yet have their own theme songs--

Until now! Yes, today at Of Cabbages and Kings, I'd like to make a few preliminary suggestions for theme songs to accompany some of today's most popular social media venues.

(You'll note, I went heavy on the classic rock here, because I figured more folks would know the songs.)

• Twitter- Follow You, Follow Me (Genesis)

• Facebook- You've Got a Friend (Carol King) or, given the mind-boggling number of farm and stray pet apps, At The Zoo (Simon & Garfunkel)

• MySpace- Fifteen (Taylor Swift)

• Qwitter- Ex-Girlfriend, or Don't Speak (No Doubt)

• Friendfeed- Message in a Bottle (Police)

• Digg- Everybody Wants to Rule the World (Tears for Fears)
  

• StumbleUpon- Can't Find My Way Home (Traffic)

• Reddit- Don't Come Around Here No More (Tom Petty) or possibly You Know You're Wrong (Big Bad Voodoo Daddy)
  

• BlogCatalog- Given how many spammers there send me PMs claiming they've click the ads which I don't have, I'd like to suggest: Money for Nothin' (Dire Straits)
  

• YouTube- You Can't Always Get What You Want (Rolling Stones)

• Entrecard- Hello, Goodbye (Beatles)

• LinkedIn- Take this Job and Shove it (Johnny Paycheck)
  

Want to make an alternate suggestion? Or want to add another venue I didn't include here? Just give me a shout in the comments below.

________________________
Humorbloggers

Social Media Contrarianism or All the Cool Kids are Doing It

"Who Am I Stalking?" Saturday...

Post the Color of Your Bra in Support of Breast Cancer Awareness, or Technicolor Boobs, or the American Foundation Garment Foundation of America...

Virtual gift swaps, and Which Teletubby Would You Be If You Were Creepy and Mono-syllabic quizzes... And Post the Fruit You Most Resemble Weeks and... I don't know... Photograph Your Favorite Fish Day...

It seems the more the social media wants me to do something, the less I want to participate.

I clearly have Social Media Contrarianism.

And I feel guilty about it... I really do... because my online friends are a great bunch of people. Folks I love reading, exchanging ideas with, and getting glimpses into their lives.

But I don't also need to glimpse into their underpants. Especially en masse. There are some things best left to the imagination.

Plus, it's the marketer in the back of my mind (well, maybe not the back, more of the frontal lobe region) that keeps whispering how all of these Facebook apps are not-so-subtlely based on some never-ending cycle of reciprocity that isn't about us at all.

I give you a Farmville cow, you give me crap... er, fertilizer... fertilizer for my fields.

You demonstrate your loyalty to my mafia family by a well-executed hit, I "Make" your little brother Vinnie.

I buy you virtual mockingbird, you buy me a virtual diamond ring.

Until suddenly, we're drowning in this giant time-suck whirlpool. Virtual cows swim by. And virtual Auntie Ems. And when we look around us, the only one who ends up with anything tangible to show for it is Facebook, who just waved six extra hours of ads for whiter teeth in front of our eyeballs.

So my Facebook Event Invitations pile up like the snow on my car.

And Twitter FollowFridays are left unstalked.

Open Houses in the Farmville real estate market will not find me attending, inspecting potential property investments or enjoying the virtual hors d'oevres.

Perhaps I'm missing out. Perhaps I'm a bad virtual friend. But I'd like to think these same folks know they could count on me if they needed something for real. Something that mattered.

Something that didn't mean active involvement in pixelated livestock hoarding.

Just sayin'.

Six Phases of Twitter Grief

Just two weeks ago social media venue, Twitter, got hit by hackers-- barring many of its users from 140 characters of condensed camaraderie.

I was one of those barred. And during this cold, bleak time in Twitville, I spent four days where I could see my friends post... joke... laugh... feast on the banquet of beautiful banality inside the cheerful cottage walls of the inviting Twitstead....

But I could not post myself. No, friends, I could only press my nose to the glass like a Dickensian orphan matchgirl and hope I wouldn't be run off by Tweetly bobbies saying, "Whassall 'is 'en?" And then be sent to a workhouse of some more cumbersome social media platform...

Like being made to develop time-suckingly addictive yet pointless apps for Facebook.

It was a Twitter Tantalus.

So during these four days of Twitter withdrawal, that is when I discovered the Six Phases of Twitter Grief:

1.) Shock.

"I can log in, but I can't post. I really can't post. Oh my God, I can't post I can't post I can't post!!

"Now no one can see the absolutely, crucially, vital Tweet I had all planned about pocket lint. And my pithy thoughts on the aesthetic and functional beauty of both bacon and coffee.

"Modern 140-character philosophy is taking an enormous hit because I can log-in but I can't post! It's unbelievable!"

2.) Denial.

"Maybe I can post, and I'm just not being patient enough. That must be it. Maybe I just need to wait longer.

"Maybe I can let that Tweet process in the background while I do other things.... Sure, I can do that. No problem. Patience. All I need is just a little patience. A wise man once said that. I think it was Axel Rose...

"Hey-- maybe it's processed in the last two seconds I was thinking about Axel Rose.... Yes?...

"No.

"Flyin' Spaghetti Monster on a platter, why isn't it frikkin' posting?!"

3.) Bargaining.

"Twitter Customer Service Peeps, I'm writing to ask why I seem to be banned from your service. I've been good. I've been nice. And I will be even more gooder and nicerer going forward, if you will just let me post again.

"I mean, I'll follow all sorts of new people.... In fact, how 'bout you? Do you have an account, Twitter Customer Service Dude? I'll follow you. I mean, don't you need more loyal followers? Of course you do! And I'll read every one of your Tweets and follow every link you share and retweet you and everything. Just please, please, please let me post again!...

Dude...

"Are you there?"

4.) Guilt.

"Maybe I Tweeted too many of my own links in the time I was Tweeting. And that's why I can't post...

"Maybe I've been banned because I was sharing too much stuff at one time!

"Maybe I broke the Terms of Service and I never even knew it, because I was so self-involved!...

"Maybe I should have retweeted other peoples' Tweets more often. Maybe I should have participated in more Twitter theme discussions. Maybe I blocked one too many XXX hoochies wanting to show me photos of themselves starkers, and I shouldn't have been so unfriendly.

"Why, oh why, couldn't I have been a better Twitizen?"

5.) Anger.

"Well, if they don't frikkin' want me to Tweet, then it's their loss. I never really liked Twitter anyway. 140 characters? That's not writing, that's a fortune cookie!

"Ha- Who needs 'em? I have better things to do with my time, anyway."

6.) Depression.

"Meh. What's the point of social media, anyway? I mean, it's just as fake and pointless as all off-line relationships are.

"It's not comfortable, and real... like lying here in my bed under the comforter where I can be quiet and still and really think about things that matter...

"Like, I couldn't really Tweet the lyrics to an Emo song like I'm going to write here... There wouldn't be enough characters.

....

"What do you rhyme with 'fetal position'?"

Acceptance and hope!

"Well, I guess I'd just be better off spending my energy writing a new blog post, instead, since these Emo lyrics ended up being so pathetically funny and--

"Hey, lookit there! What do you know? I can log-in!"

---------------------------------------------------
Humorbloggers
Humorblogs

Bitter: Twitter for the Disgruntled

So you're on Twitter. And most of the folks you follow there are witty, informed, and fit the fun into 140 characters or less.

Yet there are... those people. People you know and would Unfollow, but with every lamenting Tweet, their cloud of doom and gloom always makes you so depressed, it's like, "Unfollow? Why bother? We're all going to die someday, anyway."

They're bringing down your mojo.

Or maybe you are one of those people, and your mojo is just fine where it frickkin' is, thankyouverymuch.

Well, now there's Bitter-- the new social media that condenses crabbing about everyday minutia into a social media art. It's the only social media platform that asks:

"What are you whining about today?"

Did Bath and Body Works discontinue your favorite lotion and the world is now coming to a scaly-skinned end?

Is the bread on your bologna sandwich stale, thus making you question the value of getting up in the morning?

Have you stubbed your toe and need the Internet to know about the pain and injustice endured by the innocent Piggy Who Went to Market?

Bitter is the venue for you!

Simply sign up today and Bitter's elaborate registration process is designed to give you an irritant to Bite about instantly.

MelNcollie this sign-up sux. took 3 tries to work and then didn't have username i wanted.

Then find Commiserators-- other Bitter users-- with lamentations and woes you can identify with and, if not actually pay attention to, act as a sounding board for your more real and true concerns.

Trade one-upsmanships...

SadSister12 My cat wouldn't eat her Fancy Feast this morning. I wasted a tin for nothing.

EmoShawnelle @SadSister12 Oh yeah? At least you have a cat. Mine died last month in a tragic hairball asphyxiation.

Share critical worries with the Bitterverse...

NervousNelly I think my nose has gotten bigger in the last week. Is that possible? Any doctors out there?

Naysayer56 @NervousNelly I heard if it's still growing, it pulls nerves 2 brain n causes perm. neurological damage. C ya.

Or:

NikeMike My shoelace is untied-- AGAIN!! Will life's complications never end??

So for you, or anyone looking for a perfect online outlet for what's bugs, what gnaws, what chafes unbearably against the last raw nerve--

y'know, like getting less ice cream per container yet paying more...

--choose Bitter! "When life bites... Bite back."


And tell us: What ARE you whining about today? :)

-----------------------------------------------------
Humorbloggers
Humor-blogs

Magical Markets for Oprah Beyond the Twitter Rainbow

Twitter--the social media bluebird that allowed us common folks to connect, make friends, increase blog readership and talk about bacon in 140 characters--recently was discovered by the Wonderful Wizard of Oprah...

And Tweeting, well, it'll never be quite the same.

Yup, Oprah, smart business woman that she is, knows:

It's not good for any area of the media to be simply left to people without their own book clubs, and TV shows, and magazines, and charities, and giant websites....

People who can't merely mention a freebie and then send the store chain crumbling under a lightly-perfumed stampede.

I mean, we non-Oprahs, we weren't really using Twitter responsibly anyway, were we? Just quips, and quotes, and chat, and photos of our lunch, and motivational posters.

But now, thanks to Oprah's great and powerful entrance into the Twittering scene, we don't even have to think of ideas to Tweet ourselves! We have the exciting opportunity to Retreet true Oprahanian Wisdom....

I can't believe we'd managed this long!

So, now that Oprah has expanded her empire to Twitter, it got me thinking about other new and little-imagined marketing niches Oprah might want to also consider:

• Lemonade Stands. No, wait, hear me out on this... Children really don't assure proper food safety with their small-time lemonade operations. But Oprah's "When Life Gives You Lemons" Lemonade Stand could promise suburbanites a reassurance of wellness and safety in every paper Dixie Cup, that little Suzie's stand could not. Think lemonade, using Oprah's special recipe, featured in Oprah's magazine, as demonstrated on Oprah's show. It's perfect! Oh-- but don't think Oprah would be trying to squeeze out your darling children's capitalistic ambitions along with those lemons.... NO! There would be franchise options available to all children looking to make one penny on every ten cents of sales.

• Paper Routes. Along these lines, think about the "Oprah Newsies." Your local paper branded with Oprah helpful tips, advice, quotes and so much more, and delivered by newsies in old timey dress wearing a cute Oprah Newsie logo on their cap. It's just one more way Oprah could help underprivileged children.

• Valentine's Day Candy Hearts. For years, those little candy hearts at Valentine's Day have read things like "Hot 4 u" and "Be Mine" and "Maybe." Well, why not make them truly mean something with special Oprah branding? Think of it this way, Oprah has gotten used to typing in 140 character Twitter installments. She should have no trouble paring it back a bit further to candy-size. I expect we'd see things like: "Dr. Phil Luvs U." "Eat Dinner 2Gether." "Oprah: 2day at 4." Just to keep her franchise top-of-mind during this very special holiday.

• Fortune Cookie Messages. Similar to the Valentine's candy hearts, these fortune cookie messages would be a great way to enjoy a moment with Oprah over the egg foo young, the kung pao... whatever your favorite dish. I mean, Confusius... after hundreds of years, hasn't he already about said all he can say to us? It's time to let Oprah have her shot. Nothing tops off a good hot and sour soup like sweet and spicy wisdom from this media sensation.

• "OprahVee's," a New Oprah-based Taxi Service. These SmartCar cabs would be manned by drivers up on the very latest hot Oprah topics and ready for discussion of the current book club feature. Plus, having completed a Dr. Phil-endorsed psychological training course, these cabbies will be able to counsel you and your family on your ride to the airport, to tourist destinations and more... Travel is stressful, and often a cause of family friction. And in the past, cab drivers have wasted time chatting about the weather, sports, or shouting at other drivers. So why not let an OprahVee you take you where you want to go, and help you learn a little about yourself on the journey?

I'm excited! Are you excited?

Now, obviously, I am very open to hearing any additional ideas you good folks might have, for helping Oprah brand her business well beyond the social media venue where the bluebirds fly!

I mean, there are a lot of regular joes out there struggling to enjoy their little slice of life using mediums that are terrifyingly Oprah-empty... Doesn't Oprah deserve a chance to show 'em how it's really done?

----------------------------------------
Humorbloggers
Humor-blogs

If Real Life Were Like Twitter

Twitter: life, boiled down to 140-character installments.

Now, I actually have a blast on Twitter because I know interesting folks there. At any given moment, I can be chatting with a goat, a cat, a bra... Even a few actual humans (I know-- what are the odds of that online?!)... And all in five different countries at once.

Plus-- for us Brevity-Challenged-- being forced to distill ideas down to a piddly 140 characters is just good practice.

But I was thinking--what if real life were more like Twitter? How would it go?


Well, first you'd have your LitTwits, the folks who choose famous quotes as their main Tweeting style.

STEVE: "Hey, Bob-- how ya doing today?"

BOB: "'I don't care to belong to any club who'd have me as a member.' -Groucho Marx."

STEVE: "Er, well, okay, there, Bob. Good to know! How's the wife?"

BOB: "'Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.' - Oscar Wilde"

STEVE: "Fighting again, eh? That's too bad."

Then there'd be the Helpful Resources people. You know, the people who always share the best articles and information? Only, it probably wouldn't have quite the same effect in person....

MARY: "@Alice Microsoft just released patch for firewall problem: http://www.tinyurl.com/entirelymadeup"

ALICE: "Er, okay, thanks, Mary. I'll just jot that down on the back of this roll of TP and check it out later, when I'm less... indisposed....

You can go now, Mary, I'm good...

Mary, I know you're still there... I can see your feet."

Of course, you'd have your OverTweeters-- folks who Tweet every thought that comes into their minds, no matter how trivial. This could be entertaining to watch, if it were extended into a face-to-face situation-- particularly a quiet room.

Picture a library common area. People are gathered around tables, studying in silence and...

"I just noticed. I have funny-shaped toes! LOL!"

Everyone looks up and stares at the speaker.

"They look like little piano key mallets. They DO! Plink plink plink!"

Eyebrows are raised. Heads are shaken. The image shrugged off. The room settles into silence again.

"My son has adenoids. Adenoids. That's a funny word, isn't it?"

More stares, glares.

"You know what's another funny word? Discombobulated. Also spinach."

By now, some people are getting up and leaving-- the real life equivalent of Unfollowing. But our Stream-of-Consciousness Sharer merrily shares on...

"I need to buy ice cream. What kind should I buy?"

Finally someone pipes up:

"You should buy yourself a big half-gallon of KeepItToYourselfLady. People are trying to concentrate around here."

And what about Re-Tweeting? That is, the Twitter-sharing of things the people you're following have just said. How would that work out in real life? Oh... I can see it now.

You're at a cocktail party. A small group of people are having a quiet little conversation. And then, four feet away, the guy next to them shouts:

"RT: @ByGeorge 'I'm using the Viagra but I wasn't expecting the side effects!'"

The cocktail party goes quiet. George's wife's goes bright red. George breaks away from the small group and slinks off to another room.

"Well... y'know... just in case you weren't following that discussion," the Retweeter explains.

So tell me, folks-- what's Tweeting you?

---------------------------------------------
Humorbloggers
Humor-blogs

Signs You Might Spend Too Much Time on the Internet

How do you know if you're spending too much time on the internet?

The Internet has really opened up our worlds, empowering communication and the exchange of knowledge like never before.

Also photos of cats.

But with it, and all its benefits, come a few quirks as online life collides with everyday life. Our mission today? Well, it's the same thing we do every day, Pinky-- Try to take over the...

Er, wait... no.

Talk about the quirks... The quirks.

Right.

So here are just a few of the signs you might be spending just a little too much time on the internet:

• You're writing notes by hand and don't know how to revise without the highlight and delete functions.

• In one day you can chat with five friends in Canada, three in England, two in the Philippines... plus learn how your buds' Diwali celebration went in Mumbai... And never leave your computer.

• As Sherlock Holmes searches for the Purloined Letter in the book you're currently reading, you find yourself wondering why he hasn't checked Ebay yet.

• You're American, but because of the online friends above, you find yourself regularly saying "zed" for the letter "zee," add unnecessary "U"s to words, and exclaim "bugger" when irritated.

• ...Or the converse of this-- you're English, Canadian, or Indian, and friends wonder where all your beautiful "u"s have gone, and why you now address them as "youse guys" and "ya'll."
  

• Someone tells a hysterically funny joke at a party, and you respond "LOL! LOL! ROTFL!"

• Your Real World friends are forced to endure elaborate tales of people with names like GhostRiderNumberSeven, SharkGirl, AnarchistAnna and Skitzy42.

• You know what the weather is doing in Spain and Sydney, but will need to actually get up off your butt and look out the window to see what it's doing in your town.

• You mishear Culture Club's "I'll Tumble 4 Ya" as an offer to share your post on StumbleUpon

• You order pizza online to be delivered to you from the shop next door.

• You've written 2,000 Twitter posts, sent 500 emails, and have responded to 20 blog post comments a day, yet still need to send a "thank you" card to Gramma for the sweater from last Christmas.

• You know how to make 37 different kinds of emoticons using only punctuation, but have no idea where to put a comma in a sentence.

• You used to protest things like animal rights or war.... Now you incite forum members to mutiny against specific social media.

• You react to your latest Google Pagerank increase about the same as you did the birth of your child.

• Your mother comments about the spring birds twittering... and you wonder whether you should add them to your Following list...

• ...You also wonder if wireless has finally made it to your neighborhood.

Have you experienced any of the points on this list? If so, then go offline immediately and take a walk outside!!...

(Just leave a comment about it first. You don't want to quit cold turkey, y'know.)

----------------------------------------
Humor-blogs
Humorbloggers