Six Phases of Twitter Grief

Just two weeks ago social media venue, Twitter, got hit by hackers-- barring many of its users from 140 characters of condensed camaraderie.

I was one of those barred. And during this cold, bleak time in Twitville, I spent four days where I could see my friends post... joke... laugh... feast on the banquet of beautiful banality inside the cheerful cottage walls of the inviting Twitstead....

But I could not post myself. No, friends, I could only press my nose to the glass like a Dickensian orphan matchgirl and hope I wouldn't be run off by Tweetly bobbies saying, "Whassall 'is 'en?" And then be sent to a workhouse of some more cumbersome social media platform...

Like being made to develop time-suckingly addictive yet pointless apps for Facebook.

It was a Twitter Tantalus.

So during these four days of Twitter withdrawal, that is when I discovered the Six Phases of Twitter Grief:

1.) Shock.

"I can log in, but I can't post. I really can't post. Oh my God, I can't post I can't post I can't post!!

"Now no one can see the absolutely, crucially, vital Tweet I had all planned about pocket lint. And my pithy thoughts on the aesthetic and functional beauty of both bacon and coffee.

"Modern 140-character philosophy is taking an enormous hit because I can log-in but I can't post! It's unbelievable!"

2.) Denial.

"Maybe I can post, and I'm just not being patient enough. That must be it. Maybe I just need to wait longer.

"Maybe I can let that Tweet process in the background while I do other things.... Sure, I can do that. No problem. Patience. All I need is just a little patience. A wise man once said that. I think it was Axel Rose...

"Hey-- maybe it's processed in the last two seconds I was thinking about Axel Rose.... Yes?...

"No.

"Flyin' Spaghetti Monster on a platter, why isn't it frikkin' posting?!"

3.) Bargaining.

"Twitter Customer Service Peeps, I'm writing to ask why I seem to be banned from your service. I've been good. I've been nice. And I will be even more gooder and nicerer going forward, if you will just let me post again.

"I mean, I'll follow all sorts of new people.... In fact, how 'bout you? Do you have an account, Twitter Customer Service Dude? I'll follow you. I mean, don't you need more loyal followers? Of course you do! And I'll read every one of your Tweets and follow every link you share and retweet you and everything. Just please, please, please let me post again!...

Dude...

"Are you there?"

4.) Guilt.

"Maybe I Tweeted too many of my own links in the time I was Tweeting. And that's why I can't post...

"Maybe I've been banned because I was sharing too much stuff at one time!

"Maybe I broke the Terms of Service and I never even knew it, because I was so self-involved!...

"Maybe I should have retweeted other peoples' Tweets more often. Maybe I should have participated in more Twitter theme discussions. Maybe I blocked one too many XXX hoochies wanting to show me photos of themselves starkers, and I shouldn't have been so unfriendly.

"Why, oh why, couldn't I have been a better Twitizen?"

5.) Anger.

"Well, if they don't frikkin' want me to Tweet, then it's their loss. I never really liked Twitter anyway. 140 characters? That's not writing, that's a fortune cookie!

"Ha- Who needs 'em? I have better things to do with my time, anyway."

6.) Depression.

"Meh. What's the point of social media, anyway? I mean, it's just as fake and pointless as all off-line relationships are.

"It's not comfortable, and real... like lying here in my bed under the comforter where I can be quiet and still and really think about things that matter...

"Like, I couldn't really Tweet the lyrics to an Emo song like I'm going to write here... There wouldn't be enough characters.

....

"What do you rhyme with 'fetal position'?"

Acceptance and hope!

"Well, I guess I'd just be better off spending my energy writing a new blog post, instead, since these Emo lyrics ended up being so pathetically funny and--

"Hey, lookit there! What do you know? I can log-in!"

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If Real Life Were Like Twitter

Twitter: life, boiled down to 140-character installments.

Now, I actually have a blast on Twitter because I know interesting folks there. At any given moment, I can be chatting with a goat, a cat, a bra... Even a few actual humans (I know-- what are the odds of that online?!)... And all in five different countries at once.

Plus-- for us Brevity-Challenged-- being forced to distill ideas down to a piddly 140 characters is just good practice.

But I was thinking--what if real life were more like Twitter? How would it go?


Well, first you'd have your LitTwits, the folks who choose famous quotes as their main Tweeting style.

STEVE: "Hey, Bob-- how ya doing today?"

BOB: "'I don't care to belong to any club who'd have me as a member.' -Groucho Marx."

STEVE: "Er, well, okay, there, Bob. Good to know! How's the wife?"

BOB: "'Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.' - Oscar Wilde"

STEVE: "Fighting again, eh? That's too bad."

Then there'd be the Helpful Resources people. You know, the people who always share the best articles and information? Only, it probably wouldn't have quite the same effect in person....

MARY: "@Alice Microsoft just released patch for firewall problem: http://www.tinyurl.com/entirelymadeup"

ALICE: "Er, okay, thanks, Mary. I'll just jot that down on the back of this roll of TP and check it out later, when I'm less... indisposed....

You can go now, Mary, I'm good...

Mary, I know you're still there... I can see your feet."

Of course, you'd have your OverTweeters-- folks who Tweet every thought that comes into their minds, no matter how trivial. This could be entertaining to watch, if it were extended into a face-to-face situation-- particularly a quiet room.

Picture a library common area. People are gathered around tables, studying in silence and...

"I just noticed. I have funny-shaped toes! LOL!"

Everyone looks up and stares at the speaker.

"They look like little piano key mallets. They DO! Plink plink plink!"

Eyebrows are raised. Heads are shaken. The image shrugged off. The room settles into silence again.

"My son has adenoids. Adenoids. That's a funny word, isn't it?"

More stares, glares.

"You know what's another funny word? Discombobulated. Also spinach."

By now, some people are getting up and leaving-- the real life equivalent of Unfollowing. But our Stream-of-Consciousness Sharer merrily shares on...

"I need to buy ice cream. What kind should I buy?"

Finally someone pipes up:

"You should buy yourself a big half-gallon of KeepItToYourselfLady. People are trying to concentrate around here."

And what about Re-Tweeting? That is, the Twitter-sharing of things the people you're following have just said. How would that work out in real life? Oh... I can see it now.

You're at a cocktail party. A small group of people are having a quiet little conversation. And then, four feet away, the guy next to them shouts:

"RT: @ByGeorge 'I'm using the Viagra but I wasn't expecting the side effects!'"

The cocktail party goes quiet. George's wife's goes bright red. George breaks away from the small group and slinks off to another room.

"Well... y'know... just in case you weren't following that discussion," the Retweeter explains.

So tell me, folks-- what's Tweeting you?

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