Just two weeks ago social media venue, Twitter, got hit by hackers-- barring many of its users from 140 characters of condensed camaraderie.I was one of those barred. And during this cold, bleak time in Twitville, I spent four days where I could see my friends post... joke... laugh... feast on the banquet of beautiful banality inside the cheerful cottage walls of the inviting Twitstead....
But I could not post myself. No, friends, I could only press my nose to the glass like a Dickensian orphan matchgirl and hope I wouldn't be run off by Tweetly bobbies saying, "Whassall 'is 'en?" And then be sent to a workhouse of some more cumbersome social media platform...
Like being made to develop time-suckingly addictive yet pointless apps for Facebook.
It was a Twitter Tantalus.
So during these four days of Twitter withdrawal, that is when I discovered the Six Phases of Twitter Grief:
1.) Shock.
"I can log in, but I can't post. I really can't post. Oh my God, I can't post I can't post I can't post!!
"Now no one can see the absolutely, crucially, vital Tweet I had all planned about pocket lint. And my pithy thoughts on the aesthetic and functional beauty of both bacon and coffee.
"Modern 140-character philosophy is taking an enormous hit because I can log-in but I can't post! It's unbelievable!"
2.) Denial.
"Maybe I can post, and I'm just not being patient enough. That must be it. Maybe I just need to wait longer.
"Maybe I can let that Tweet process in the background while I do other things.... Sure, I can do that. No problem. Patience. All I need is just a little patience. A wise man once said that. I think it was Axel Rose...
"Hey-- maybe it's processed in the last two seconds I was thinking about Axel Rose.... Yes?...
"No.
"Flyin' Spaghetti Monster on a platter, why isn't it frikkin' posting?!"
3.) Bargaining.
"Twitter Customer Service Peeps, I'm writing to ask why I seem to be banned from your service. I've been good. I've been nice. And I will be even more gooder and nicerer going forward, if you will just let me post again.
"I mean, I'll follow all sorts of new people.... In fact, how 'bout you? Do you have an account, Twitter Customer Service Dude? I'll follow you. I mean, don't you need more loyal followers? Of course you do! And I'll read every one of your Tweets and follow every link you share and retweet you and everything. Just please, please, please let me post again!...
Dude...
"Are you there?"
4.) Guilt.
"Maybe I Tweeted too many of my own links in the time I was Tweeting. And that's why I can't post...
"Maybe I've been banned because I was sharing too much stuff at one time!
"Maybe I broke the Terms of Service and I never even knew it, because I was so self-involved!...
"Maybe I should have retweeted other peoples' Tweets more often. Maybe I should have participated in more Twitter theme discussions. Maybe I blocked one too many XXX hoochies wanting to show me photos of themselves starkers, and I shouldn't have been so unfriendly.
"Why, oh why, couldn't I have been a better Twitizen?"
5.) Anger.
"Well, if they don't frikkin' want me to Tweet, then it's their loss. I never really liked Twitter anyway. 140 characters? That's not writing, that's a fortune cookie!
"Ha- Who needs 'em? I have better things to do with my time, anyway."
6.) Depression.
"Meh. What's the point of social media, anyway? I mean, it's just as fake and pointless as all off-line relationships are.Acceptance and hope!
"It's not comfortable, and real... like lying here in my bed under the comforter where I can be quiet and still and really think about things that matter...
"Like, I couldn't really Tweet the lyrics to an Emo song like I'm going to write here... There wouldn't be enough characters.
....
"What do you rhyme with 'fetal position'?"
"Well, I guess I'd just be better off spending my energy writing a new blog post, instead, since these Emo lyrics ended up being so pathetically funny and-----------------------------------------------------
"Hey, lookit there! What do you know? I can log-in!"
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