If People Acted Like Pets- Office Edition

I've learned a lot about living with a pet, since adopting my cat, Alice, almost two months ago. Things like: puncture wounds really can mean love. And: wool pile stroking your cheek in the night doesn't mean the area rugs are getting frisky.

But I've been thinking, the lives our pets lead might not apply well to the world of humans, particularly in the corporate world. Simply because this is how that might go:

  • Business breakfast meetings would start with coffee, danish, and half the execs running circles around the conference room table excitedly sharing tales of what a great poop they just had.
  • All group projects would require two employees to attempt the task, and two to hop up and lay on the project planning document.
  • Dull meetings would be filled with long, loud sighs bearing the weight of the world.
  • All project discussion would cease when someone accidentally drops a paperclip. Meetings would allow time for executives to compete and see who will bat it around the room.
  • When you can't find one of your colleagues in his office, you know he's in the shipping room, leaping in and out of the mailing boxes.
  • The corporate cafeteria would serve meat, bones, meat and meat.
  • Powerpoint presentations would find half the staff in the audience, and the other half up front blocking the screen.
  • Business restrooms would be the same, but TP would be tracked with gusto around the office space.
  • Dropping the ball in your job would suddenly also involve digging your teeth into it and refusing to pass it to the person you've been working closely with.
  • And when your boss asks you out for a bite... you bite him.

You pet-owning folks have any more to add to this list? I'd love to read 'em!


Daisy said...

I love this list! The last hour of every Friday afternoon would be spent kneading and drooling with happiness!

Junk Drawer Kathy said...

Oh, Jenn. This is HILARIOUS! You've got it all down. Love the Powerpoint one. So classic. I've learned to still type on the keyboard under and between the legs of a certain furry resident who knows exactly where to get in the way.

(Oh, and Daisy. Humans do that drooling thing on Fridays too. So I've heard).

Marie said...

Pissing contests would really BE pissing contests. lol

cardiogirl said...

We'd be able to tell when an executive was lying since the anxiety would cause his or her pupils to become the size of nickles.

But Tony Hayward's eyes probably would have exploded at the first BP press conference.

Unknown said...

Daisy- Visit my office sometime and you'll see that kneading and drooling is not far off, come Friday. :)

Kathy- Heh, yes, I recently found myself editing on my laptop with my computer not on my lap, but my cat in it, sacked out and snoring.

Marie- PERFECT!!

Cardiogirl- Heh, it would certainly make dealing with salesmen easier. "Your product really DOESN'T have that feature, does it? You're lying."

Anonymous said...

love this post- would normally have a comical retort, but I am presently running around my house checking up on our 8 week old Jack Russell Terrier. take a moment a think of me please ;-)

Unknown said...

Ridgely- Good luck! May the paws be with you. :)

Shieldmaiden96 said...

Mid-afternoon visitors to the office would find it very quiet...on inspection they'd find the entire staff asleep in a big pile in the hall on the sunny side of the building.

(An aside: It took me five minutes to type that because Seamus was trying to lay on my arm.)

Unknown said...

Shieldmaiden- He likes to prove a point, that Seamus. :) (PS- Scratch his ears for me. He's a sweetie.)

ReformingGeek said...

Power naps would last for hours.

A cat's tail gets big when it's excited.....maybe I shouldn't elaborate on this one.

MzHartz said...

No more desks are needed. All employees would sit in the window or on top of the filing cabinets.

Before attacking an opposing point of view, you crouch in your seat until only your eyes are above the table. And you wiggle your butt.

Unknown said...

ReformingGeek- No, that last one might lead to more sexual harassment claims in the workplace. :)

MzHartz- This image will undoubtedly make me laugh during my next meeting. "Look-- he's going for the pounce!"

Linda said...

Instead of shaking hands, everyone would just sniff each other's butts.

I can relate to typing issues, and not being able to see the screen. Talk about your writer's block.

Unknown said...

Linda- Heh, yes, we don't hear about the novels that might have been if the author didn't have a dog or cat. :) I know my cat has tried to help me edit my novel when I've forgotten and left my laptop open.

Personally, I think she needs to start with her own material before she decides to take over mine. :)

Nanny Goats In Panties said...

I haven't a cat in so long, but I grew up with them and this sure took me back. I had forgotten how they would just sit right in front of the TV totally blocking the screen.

Love this post! So glad Kathy Junk Drawer shared it on her Facebook page.

Deray said...

Plushies and other toys from vendor-shows would actually be to play and not to display on you cubicle shelf :-P

Everyone's homepage would be icanhascheeseburger.com and not Google ;-)

(I don't have pets but my complication has 2 adorable cats ;-))

Nick said...

Good list. Gotta cat piece on my current blog you might like :)

Unknown said...

When negotiations get tense and difficult, the lawyers would go OOOOOOWWWWWWA OOOOOOOWWWWWA OOOOOOOWWWA Ook! Ook! Ook!

And then they'd barf.