Spam Random Delusional Compliment Generator- And Fingerpuppet Show

Everyone loves a good compliment, and spammers know it. So today's most innovative spam comments are laying it on thick, with lavish praise, fawning adoration, linky love... and an unrepentant and merry ignorance of context.

I've been getting this one lately:

Hi everybody. i would just like to make an introduction to everyone at www.cabbagesnkings.net Your forum is good! Generally when I visit forums I just come across crap, but this time I was really surprised, finding great information. Keep this fantastic effort up?? Visit CYOOT-HANDMADE-FINGERPUPPETS4KIDS.SPAM!

Ah, so kind, so detailed, so good for the self-esteem... If, y'know, this was real, a forum, or I'd planned to share vital finger puppet resources with my online buds.

I hadn't realized the finger puppet market was such that, like certain prescription meds of a personal nature, there were advantages to seeking them out through quiet, blackmarket spam puppeteering channels.

The nervous single man living in Mom's basement, pulling some strings to get rare illicit marionettes...

The schoolmarm with a rep to uphold, sticking her hand in underworld dealings for a knockoff Kermit.

Of course, "fingerpuppets" is probably a metaphor for something else far less yarn-and-felt based. I didn't click the link to find out.

Knowing the truth, you see, would ruin the images I've been enjoying of a secret underground Fight Club-styled Muppet Show, where you only get in if you pay a few under-the-table bucks to Scooter.

"What happens in Muppet Show, stays in Muppet Show. Now... Time to put on make-up and dress up right."

But I digress.

Because of the plug-and-play nature of the spam lately, I've been wondering whether these newfangled spammers don't have some sort of Random Delusional Compliment Generator for their comments.

Sort of a Mad Libs version for spam. They could input the top hundred or so insincere compliments and commentary into their database...

Keep it up!

Great forum!

I learned a lot.

Lots of good information here!

I love it here. I disagree with everything you said in this post.

(Some mixed messaging with that last guy. He's a wild card.)

I am a new first-time reader and am happy to meet everyone.

I have read all of your posts for a while now and will be back often.

And then they put it all together at will-- a mix-and-match for rich and exciting new spamitization in endless variety!

Lots of good information here I disagree with. Hi everyone, i am a new first-time reader and have read all of your posts for a while now and buy fingerpuppets hot blondes hot blond fingerpuppets. Great forum keep it up www.misspiggygoeshogwild.spam

Oh, I know it wouldn't improve the quality of spam we receive...

But hey, if I have to take the time to Not-Approve it, at the very least, it should be entertaining.

(Pssst, Scooter, here's that $20 I owe you. This week's secret password is "mnah-mnah")

Fruit of the Loom Guys Experience Spy Infiltration

Recent evidence has come to light that the Fruit of the Loom Guys-- the renowned mascots for a popular cotton underwear brand-- have been compromised by foreign entities posing among them, in order to obtain highly-classified information on comfort waistbands and non-wedgie fabric production.

Readers may already be familiar with Rory McIntosh (also known as "Apple")-- the popular lead singer of the Fruit Guys group-- and skilled backup men, Concord Jones (called "Purple Grape" to his fans) and Jimmy Niagara (stage name: "Green Grape").

But who is this figure with them, silently harvesting the sweet fruits of their labors?

Leif Romaine, also known as Ignacius Iceburg, Lenny "the Head" Lettuce, and George "Garnish" Wilson is believed to have been a plant in the Fruit Guys band from the very beginning.

Large sums of green sent to Mr. Romaine's bank account suggest that he was in the employ of the Adam & Eve Undergarments Inc., even while appearing with the Fruit Guys. His job, theorists indicate, was to root out the manufacturing strengths of the Fruit of the Loom brand, so it could be duplicated in the Adam & Eve factories at cost.

But Leif's fall from grace has hit the other members of the Fruit Guys hard.
In a candid interview with members of the band, the musicians indicate they feel soured on the whole system now.

"I had no idea something so rotten was going on right under our noses like that," said McIntosh.

"Guess it only takes one bad one to spoil the bunch," added Niagara philosophically.


But the band members insist that because the market is still ripe for their band's niche their music will only grow from this regrettable scandal.

"It all stems from our devotion to comfortable, affordable underwear," states Mr. Concord.

Now, Leif Romaine sits in prison, awaiting trial, in a small maximum security terrarium living on meager sunlight and water.
Lawyers for the accused currently offer no comment. Word on the grapevine is that he plans to plead "Innocent."

The Back-To-School Supply Late 80s Flashback

Chairs that conform to your butt even after it's packed on the Freshman Fifteen...

Desk lamps filled with flirty pink pom-poms to make not-studying even more exciting...

Coordinated designer sheets, to match the designer curtains, to match the designer rug, to match your parents' designer wallet which they're going to need to pay for all this stuff with their designer money...

This appears to be back-to-school days for the college set in 2010.

I can't help but think it's changed somewhat since 1989.

Here were my main earthly Back-to-College possessions then:

• Metal desk lamp. Mom herself used one like this back in the 60s, thus transforming it into an heirloom, though not of Antiques Roadshow caliber due to safety issues. Mine was actually pilfered from a dumpster. Turn it on for five seconds, and its metal shade would radiate enough heat to boil a can of Spaghetti O's. Turning it off after a study session required oven mitts or asbestos gloves.

• Case of Spaghetti O's, which I discovered by Week Two of college had a strange alien cardboard cheese aftertaste not found in Chef Boyardee products. Thus, still making them preferable to dining hall food. Heated up nicely by radiation-producing desk lamp, or in coffeemaker coffeepot.

• Coffeemaker. Prized possession among all, and also illegal contraband. We were not allowed electrical appliances like coffeemakers and microwaves in our rooms at this time. These were hidden from sight when wind of the random Dorm Inspections blew. I learned by Year Two that this coffeemaker also worked well as a hotplate, to heat up Spaghetti O's. Though some pre-Spaghetti O cleaning/preparation was required.
  

• Six thrift store sweaters, which weren't used as much as you'd think in a 90 degree dorm with a metal roof in fall with no air-conditioning.

• An iron. Presumably for the sweaters.

• A curling iron, so hair could achieve maximum width, height and depth and no one would notice I was wearing a sweater in 90 degree weather. This was the most vital of all items.

• The Trunk of Pain. A steamer trunk to put everything in because Mom felt she still needed her suitcases. Mom spun this that the trunk hearkened back to the romantic days of world travel, even though it came from K-Mart. It was so heavy and unwieldy even unfilled, it required 12 burly porters, but usually only got my attentions along with those of whichever roommate felt particularly ambitious on move-in day.

• One garbage bag. It would be reused for four years. Ideal for laundry, or for transporting items instead of leveraging the Trunk of Pain.

• Toshiba Laptop Computer. Early laptop technology rendered this computer fit for the lap of the giant statue of Paul Bunyan in Minnesota. My thighs still bear permanent indentations. To save on paying for software, Dad copied an early version of WordStar from work, which required a combination of elaborate key commands, sign language, secret passwords and Morse code to perform some of the more complex text formatting. Like quotation marks or paragraph returns. Unfortunately, those key codes were listed in the manual I didn't have because it belonged to Dad's work.
  

• Two stolen milk crates. I acquired these beauties from a dorm dumpster one summer-- clearly hot merchandise ditched by the original thieves (you can read about that tale-- the Milk Crate Redemption-- here.). But they became really integral items for a more well-equipped dorm life. I enjoyed fine dining by turning one upside down and putting a sheet over it. I could use one for laundry when the garbage bag had too many holes. And it was ideal for storing things unrelated to milk.

So, today, as I pass through the Back-to-School sections of our local department stores, the mind just boggles over the pretty desk blotters, the colorful organizers, the cheery furniture that doesn't look like it came as hand-me-downs from a monk's cloister.

Now, not only are small appliances college standards, they are supplemented with gourmet knife sets, elaborate cookware and personal chefs named Anatole who, when not on-the-job creating culinary delights for young Justin and Emily, enjoy soaking in the in-dorm jacuzzi eating truffles.

The Spaghetti O's though, I understand, still taste of tomatoey cheesy paper.

I like knowing that at least some things come full circle.

_______________________________

So tell me, folks, what did you have to your name when you left home?

Kooky Clem's Oddity Attic

Howdy! Kooky Clem here! And welcome to Kooky Clem's Oddity Attic, your "one-stop source for the stuff wives won't let ya hang in the living room if company's a-comin'."

And hooo-WEE! Do I have some deals for you today!

Now, I know, y'all were saddened... ya were broken-hearted... ya were a-wailin' and a-nashin' because ya missed out on last month's 100% hand-crafted and original example of Renaissance oil paintin' art-- big eyed pig-dog with a Carol Channing wig. But like everything else here at Kooky Clem's, regrettably there was only one. And that one went to Mrs. Ralph Murdock of 15 Horny Hollow Road, Girty, Pennsylvania for the unbelievably low price of just $17.50.

I understand from Mrs. Murdock that, as we speak, this masterpiece on velvet is hanging proudly in her guest bathroom over the needlepoint tissue cozy on the back of the john in the shape of a Southern Bell doll.

So congratulations to you, Mrs. Murdock, on your selection of a fine piece of art that not only will give folks something to look at when they're on the can, but will only appreciate over time!

Whenever I flush, I will think of you and that painting.

But don't you other folks worry. Kooky Clem has two all-new deals for you! First, for those animal enthusiasts out there...

Ya say ya feel sad when ya see those big doe eyes of your average deer trophy a-lookin' down on ya from over the La-Z-Boy sectional.

Ya say ya still want to Bring the Outdoors In, and you want to make the sophisticated statement that only hanging dead wildlife on the wall can truly bring...

Well, do I have the solution to your problems! With this stylish new Deer Butt wall trophy, you reenact all the excitement of the hunt, with none of them guilty glass eyes staring at ya...

Yes, this astounding piece of once-living sculpture reflects the Native American's tradition for using every part of the animal. So, as those hippies in the press are so fond of sayin' these days, it's eco-friendly!

And just think of the conversation it'll spur on when you entertain yer guests on Coors 'n Cards night. Oh, yer friends... they know a good thing when they see it. So why not impress them all to hell with this slice o' deer ass artistic heaven?

Just $18 to ol' Kooky Clem, and soon when the neighborhood thinks "deer's patooti," they'll think of you, with this symbol of your good taste and refinement!

But, remember, there's only one available, so act quickly!

And if ya happen to miss out on that beauty, I have one last item today I think yer gonna just go a little bananas over...

See, what we have here is an original, gen-u-wine, authenticated with provenance like they have on that there Roadshow, plastic banana chandelier, once owned by none other than Calypso great himself, Harry Belefonte...
Why, you may not know it, but he wrote that there Day-O song for the Beetlejuice soundtrack about this very light fixture!

It's made of real polyurethane yeller bananas pressed in factories right in Jamaica. And it's wrapped with actual handpicked, handwoven hemp rope. So if Buck Duggan's little secondary crop hiding there in the cornfield gets spotted by the DEA choppers again this year, you still got yourself some options.

Yessir, this here is the original Electric Banana.

So don't wait! Come on down to Kooky Clem's and make us a deal! Our trained in-house interiors designer-- my wife Ruthie Mae Jane-- says something like this would work hella good in most any DE-cor, but it would compliment yer lava lamps and Skynrd posters real nice, in particulars.

And, hey, if you got something special on your wish list, don't y'all hesitate to drop me a comment and ask.

We got all sorts of amazing goods here in the Oddity Attic, some o' which we haven't seen ourselves in years, on account of our need for expansion and the layer of dust we mistook for our missing dog, Otis.

So if you have particular needs in the Oddity department, let us know and I'll set Ruthie up with the miner's hat, some protective gear, and a length of rope, and we'll dig it up for ya from one of our packed-to-the-rafters storerooms.

I look forward to assistin' you!

WARNING: Do Not Blog While UnderCaffeinated

Apologies to the folks who came to Cabbages this morning only to see that a highly-unfunny-- and undoubtedly greatly-perplexing-- post that belonged on my thrifting blog had made its way here on the sly.

I knew I was groggy when I found myself at work, but wasn't sure how exactly I arrived there.

Apparently, the grog is affecting other aspects of life, as well.

Sincerely,
--The Confused and Sleepy Management

At the U.S. National Redundant Product Marketing Company Corporation of America

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You see, originally, we developed the "Cat Toy for Dogs," which was our first product and our premier item in pet toy manufacturing. Did you know that "Cat Toy for Dogs" was unpopular, and consequentially, both dogs and consumers were disinterested in it? This meant fewer sales!

So we redesigned. And with our ambitious "Cat Toy for Horses" line, we thought we might really have something. But user testing, analysis and examination showed that horses play very little ball, so the balls were not played with as much as preliminary data anticipated and expected.

We once again realized the product must be reimagined. So we took a fresh look and approached it from a different angle.

Because of this, "Cat Toy for Capybaras" was born.

In the remote jungles of the Amazon, capybaras, we discovered have very little contact with chain pet stores, because of the distance and also the desolation.

Capybaras, you may recall, are the world's largest rodents on the planet. And we discovered that even by bringing "Cat Toy for Capybaras" to the group in the wild, there was no market due to lack of interest. Additional research showed it might have been because there was no Capybara Nip available to fill the balls.

And that is when one of the fine minds at the U.S. National Redundant Product Marketing Company Corporation of America had a bright idea which was smart. Why not market "Cat Toy for Cats"?

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