Vampirism, Livestock Abuse and Other Questions about Facebook

Peer pressure... As an adult, I sorta expected to be done with that. But after too many respected online friends explained how Facebook was where all the "cool kids" hung out, I decided to update that old empty profile of mine.

Which was odd, since my school career pretty much ran toward the individualistically "tepid."

Anyway, so I hit Facebook, found friends, felt welcome. But I'm still puzzled about some things:

  • Who are these "3 people in Gibsonia who think I'm stupid" and why do they want me to take an IQ test? I mean, in school, when kids called each other stupid, we never had to deflect it with standardized testing. Just a few "sez you's" and "I know you are but what am I's." Today's kids apparently require evidentiary support.
  • Why does Facebook keep asking "why some celebrities look so young" like it's the riddle of the Sphinx? Miss Celebrity, meet Mr. Scalpel and Miss Liposuction. It's so simple, I don't even need those smarties in Gibsonia to explain it. Incidentally, a positive way to represent young-looking celebs? Is not Jennifer Aniston puffing like a chimney on her Virginia Slims. Just sayin'.
  • What does Facebook have against sheep? And why do people keep lobbing them at me? Since arriving on Facebook, I have been struck by several sheep, a groundhog, Poked, Superpoked, possibly UltraSuperMegaPoked, and encouraged to catapult various creatures of the hoofed persuasion myself. I blame Monty Python for this. Ever since the Great Livestock Lobbing of 1013, things haven't been the same. Just please, please, please remember, before you lob-- give fleece a chance. Not that I'm a fan of PETA, but I can't believe they haven't gotten involved yet.
  • Is button addiction curable? My scoliosis in high school may have, in part, been due to the sheer weight of my purse from the number of pithy buttons I'd pinned there. (Doctors should look into this sort of thing.) On Facebook, I seem to have reinstated the addiction with an application called "Pieces of Flair"-- virtual buttons for all occasions. I've made my own buttons. I've coveted others' buttons. Friends give me buttons and I am powerless to deny them. I must have them. All of them. I must put them on my virtual corkboard. I must display them for all to admire. Anyone know of a good Anti-Flair Addiction Support Group?
  • I have been bitten by vampires and they want to recruit me for the Vampire Cause. What should I do? See, on the down side, I'm not really a joiner. If everyone else is out slaughtering villages and plotting to eradicate the human race to create a brave new vampire world, I'm just not as inspired to rampage, too. On the plus side, I imagine I'd get some really elegant clothes, great hair (Evil always has excellent hair), and get to live in an abandoned mansion. So I'm torn.

Well, those are the main questions about Facebook that I have right now. I'm actually feeling pretty good considering the vampire bite and a slight concussion from a sheep to the head.

How are you Facebookies faring?



Anonymous said...

"Give fleece a chance" for the win! I LOL'd, as the kids say.

Unknown said...

Shawn- Heh, it had to be done. :)

Walter said...

At least you haven't been bitten by a zombie. Trust me, much worse hair.

Unknown said...

Walter- An extremely valid point. Zombies are not known for their personal hygiene appreciation and overall flair.

Trukindog said...

Hello, I'm Trukindog & I'm a Facebook Slacker. I hit FB about once every 3 or 4 days...when I need to get virtually drunk & get my FBF's drunk & throw yellow snowballs, I also collect flair corkboard isn't big enough! I was unaware of FB Vampires until now, I must find out if there are FB Warewolves cause I'll join that pack so we can kick some Vampire ass.

As for the sheep at least they're throwin them and not...well you know.

Celebrity's "No Comment"

IQ test...I'm a Redneck I don't even know how to pronounce IQ!

Anonymous said...

I understand the benefits of Facebook, but I absolutely refuse to join. Then again, if there's a chance to become a vampire–

Unknown said...

Trukindog- I can't be CERTAIN about Facebook werewolves, but I think there's a good probability of them-- I hope you find the wolfpack of your dreams. (I suppose I'll be seeing you on the Facebook Underworld tribute page then. :) )

FreeTheUnicorns- To be honest, I had joined months ago, I guess and then forgot all about it. Until some friends were encouraging me to join and I realized I already had an account. How sad is that?

PS- Personally, I don't think being a vampire is all it's cracked up to be. Perhaps I'm just not giving it my all. I'll have to try to work on being more tragically intriguing and mysterious.

Anonymous said...

Freetheunicorns: Not only can you become a vampire, you can be a knight, a member of the mafia, and a zombie. You can throw sheep, cows, all matters of livestock, pets...etc. It's crazy.

Yes, Jenn, we're with you what the heck!?! (Of course, that doesn't mean that I won't cave into the pressure and not become a zombie for you ;)

Unknown said...

Rambler, my friend- I would never ask one of you good people to go undead in support of any social media I'm involved in-- the sacrifice is simply too great.

I can see you doing very well in the Mafia, though. I imagine you're a member? And yes, I've also been asked to joust. Not being terribly coordinated, I envision this being a tragic end for me.

Of course, I'm already a Vampire, so I possibly have nothing to lose.

Babs-beetle said...

I haven't had a single sheep thrown at me. Now I feel neglected ;O)
One of the funnier things on FB is being told that some of my blogger friends think I'm hot and want a date ha ha! It's obvious that FC can't see into our homes - yet!

Moooooog35 said...

I thought 'throwing sheep' meant something else entirely.

You don't really want to know.

Unknown said...

Beetle- Well, I can go throw a sheep at you, but I can tell you, you won't like it-- and the sheep will like it even less. :) Regarding the Facebook seeing into our homes... maybe they caught those pics of you and Mo playing Wii. Some people love athletes. :)

Mooog- Heh, no, I probably don't. But I do appreciate you stopping by, anyway. :)

Anonymous said...

Very simple answer.

Facebook = highschool.

Unknown said...

Mike- Yepper-- you said it. Except, of course, with vampirism and sheep-lobbing instead of spitballs, fist fights, and putting gum in your hair. :)

Robert Crane said...


catapulting sheep, vampires, iq tests.

i live such a bland facebook life. i usually go to my wall, which doesn't appear to be any kind of wall at all. and then i spend about eighteen minutes voting down all the ads on the side until i've cycled thru them. i yawn. then call it a facebook day.

i don't think i'm getting the max out of it compared to the shenagans you are up to.

oh well.

Unknown said...

Vampires, Zombies, Pirates, OH MY!
Aquariums, Gardens, Farms, ARRGH!

Facebook survival tip #2,567: The [ignore] button is your best friend.

ReformingGeek said...

I just recently joined Facebook and I'm starting to wish I hadn't. I was just called stupid for the first time yesterday and so far have avoided animals, vampires, and zombies.

I love the concept of keeping in touch but this other stuff seems a bit junior-high. And the ads are not worth the screen they are plastered on.

Unknown said...

Bob- ACK! I could vote those ads down? Oh-- YES! Cool. There. My celebrity annoyance totally SOLVED. Woo-hoo!

Beth- I do believe you're right!

ReformingGeek- Oh that "stupid" thing-- that got me too when I first saw it. Then I realized it was just canned and designed to get peoples' attention to do this IQ test. It's nothing personal at all. But what a way to communicate, eh?!

Harry Yack said...

I plead ignorance to all this Facebook stuff. Maybe I'm just a generally ignorant person.

Thinkinfyou said...

I don't have a Facebook account. I don't think I want people to be able to find me again.

Da Old Man said...

I don't belong, even though many of my friends constantly encourage it.
After spending most of my days trying to forget my past, why join a group to reconnect?
Usually, after reading one of your posts, I rethink things, and agree with you, but between getting poked (not my idea of fun) and avoiding flying sheep, looks like I'll remain Facebookless.
BTW, as an Italian American living in NJ, do I need Facebook for a mafia connection?

Perhaps it was the "Meh, MySpace" experience. Nothing bored me more. No offense intended. I'll just spend more time working on my collection of stickers that are put on grocery store fruit.

Unknown said...

Hindleyite- Well, given that you are a yak, I can see where you might be hesitant of going there, lest become projectile!

ThinkingofYou- Oddly, none of the people I'm friends with on Facebook are from college or highschool-- they're all blogger buds.

DaOldMan- Heh, wasn't trying to peer pressure you, anyway. :) Happily, the people who have found me were NOT the ones who tried to cut my long hair without my knowing in high school French or the ones who beat me up on the playground.

And no, I won't be going to school reunions, either. :)

Enjoy your fruit stickers!

Jen said...

I've ondered about those people who think I'm stupid. I already know that I am smarter than Beyonce so I can ignore the requests to prove that I am an idiot.

I haven't seen the flair thing but I really want to now.

How do I find you on FaceBook? We must friend each other.

Unknown said...

Jen- Yeah, those people who think we're all stupid in are area aren't people at all-- just a gimmick, as far as I can tell. And probably a holdover from when Facebook was just for teens-- sorta sounds like it, doesn't it? :)

I see you found me okay on Facebook and I friended you back. I'll send you a Flair button just to get you started. :) It's a lot better than getting hit in the head with something hoofed.

The Walrus said...

The first time someone threw a sheep at me I worried that I'd done something to offend them. So I promptly threw 4 sheep back at them.

The sheer cheese level of Facebook is what keeps me coming back; if it wasn't for random pokes and superpokes and being tagged in notes by people I haven't spoken to in years I would probably just let the account atrophy. Also, I have to admit, my sadistic side loves to keep track of who's relationship status just changed :P

I love that you made the Knights of the Round connection; that was my assumption too.

Anonymous said...

Facebook shmacebook... meh.

I've never been much of a joiner either, and probably to my detriment. I've never been good at keeping up with what's in, settling instead for last century's trends when everyone else has moved on.

At this rate, I'll try to join Facebook only to find that it's evolved into "Online Psychic Connection Book" or something like that... and it'll seem terribly new and hip, and I'll sigh like the old fuddy duddy I am, turn off the computer, and reach for another politically incorrect, natural resource killer (that's a "book" to the layperson).

I'm afraid I've become an anachronism. :p

Bill Lisleman said...

good to see from the above comments that I'm not the only one not on facebook.

My daughter told right away that if I did join she would NOT friend me. Hmm, when did "friend" become a verb?

I really keep busy with blogging and the BC community is good so I don't feel the need for facebook.

UNLESS - it would really help my blog traffic.

So my big question for you -
does your facebook page add to your blog traffic??

Unknown said...

I admit. I love my FB flair. But, I came to answer lisleman: Nope. FB does not help my blog traffic. My FB friends are already readers, so there is no increase there.

Unknown said...

Julian- Heh- I'm picturing you seeing that lobbed sheep in your Incoming messages and thinking you were under some sort of French Taunting, Python Style. :)

Tony- Hey, you're talking to the gal who's still on dial-up at home, so I understand that sense of being a little behind the times. For me, the whole Facebook experience is so new, I have no idea if it'll be useful or not.

Which leads me to Lisleman's question-- has it driven traffic to the blog? I only just got my blog feed networked in there, so I don't know the answer to that yet. I've seen a few people choose to visit the posts through Facebook so far. Not a lot, but whatever's most convenient for people is fine with me. I HAVE gotten to know a few of my fellow bloggers better. So that's a plus.

Beth- Thanks for chiming in on that. It'll be interesting to see what happens going forward.

Anonymous said...

Y'know, given my day job, I don't think having a link from a Facebook page to my blog would be a good idea....

Unknown said...

Rethoryke- Well, yes you'd probably have students trying to friend you and lob livestock at you... But you'd also have Greg to give you virtual plants, and Sue for color commentary. So it would even out. :)

Anonymous said...

Facebook's a crazy thing, that's for sure. I've been enjoying the heck out of renewing old acquaintances...and yes, I have flung a few sheep, planted a nice green patch and started a Farm.

Because I reconnected with a few friends who didn't otherwise know I as blogging (and because new posts get announced on my wall), I might get a little more traffic from Facebook. I haven't seen enough stats to say for sure, tho.

Thanks for the Cabbage flair, Jenn!

Unknown said...

Greg- Hey, you're quite welcome.

Anonymous said...

I've enjoyed my time on Facebook and have reconnected with a few old friends...and that has made me happy. Of course, people you don't want to reconnect to may find you, as I have experienced, but virtual ignoring is quite easy...and seems to work.
Of course, I am now addicted to farming...who'd a thunk it from a North Jersey kid?
Thanks for the flair Jenn! And...enjoy your farm additions!


Unknown said...

Sue- Ah yes, the fear of being found by those you really didn't want to deal with again.

Do we call you Farmer Sue now? Jersey IS the Garden State, ya know. You had it in you all the time. :) And you're welcome for the flair.

Chat Blanc said...

I think I heard there's an anti-flair spray now, or a cream, not sure which. I best find out for sure and buy a truck load for myself, NOW. ;)

Anonymous said...

Okay, being new to FB I'm not sure what the flair is or how I can get one. Also, people tell me to take these is about names or something. But I cant figure out where to go to take the quiz. I feel a little lost and overwhelmed but dont want to look stupid to all of my newly found "old" friends.

Unknown said...

Chat- Aw, come on. The first bit of flair that comes by you that's sarcastic about shoes or cats, you KNOW you'll be all over it. :)

Sally- Oh, I understand. There are all these applications, and they seem to be applications within other applications-- it's like going into the forest without breadcrumbs. I think most of us are winging it most of the time over there. Hang in there.

Unknown said...

I am happy to say that that is ONE addiction I will not sign up . Hell, I can hardly keep up with Myspace.

After reading your hilarious take on this, I am even MORE convinced I do not NEED facebook.

Unknown said...

DizzBlnd- I can see where a person could spend WAY too much time there, for sure!

Anonymous said...

Oh, I was persuaded to FaceBook, and so I am up there. People keep throwing beads at me, giving me Johnny Depps (I wish!!), inviting me for drinks (which I don't), kidnapped five times, covered in greyhound slobber via the 'greyhound kisses' app, and sent various things from cups of tea to hugs.

I got fed up with them and now have 48 unanswered requests, 2 unanswered Friends requests, and a relative request - as if I didn't have enough relatives already!

Enough, already! LOL!

Unknown said...

Jay- Oh, wow, nobody ever sends me Johnny Depps. I'd prefer a Johnny Depp to a sheep-to-the-head any day.

Although a sheep-to-the-head and greyhound slobber is about equal in my mind. :) Hope they send you moist towelettes as well.

Melanie said...

I too confess to being a facebook slacker. I check my page about every two weeks. I originally started it as a way to keep up with my kids and some of my younger friends. I've had sheep lobbed at me, been given virtual cakes and found one dear old friend on there. Frankly, I think it's all a bit pointless. But Jenn, you always manage to make even the inane amusing. :)

Anonymous said...

Who has time for FB?! It appears to be for the much younger generation.

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.