Alice's Adventures in Vampireland

Well, I knew the whole True Blood/Twilight thing had millions of fans by the jugular, and that lately these days even Jane Austen heroines were taking a page from the Zombie Defense Guide... 

But I had no idea that this trend toward horror revisionism had seized my friend, author Lewis Carroll, in its pale and bony grip. UNTIL I bought a set of festive Alice-in-Wonderland-themed drinking glasses.

Through The Drinking Glass and What Jenn Found There...

Each glass features drawings of little Alice and her Wonderland colleagues, along with swirling literary quotes. Cute, right?

But it was only upon closer inspection I realized that the Tea Party Patriots might not be the only tea-drinkers calling for blood these days...
Here you can see Alice fleeing the Mad Tea Party realizing that the Earl Grey she'd been enjoying was actually a Vlad the Impaler Pekoe...

A little spicy, filled with nutrients, and just a hint of lemon!

The Hatter, too, seems to be imbibing of the human life fluids...

Not exactly what you expect to see in dinnerware unless you worked for American McGee.

Now you might say, "Jenn, you giant doofus! What you're looking at is a cheap four-color printing process and the manufacturers just didn't want the added cost of making the tea brown."

Ah, but think how this puts a whole new spin on the Red Queen! And the Queen of Hearts-- how literally do we want to go with that? I mean, no wonder she was so big on mass decapitation-- I hear the same went for ol' Vladdy-boy back in the Transylvania homeland.

She wasn't cranky, she was just following a fine old Eastern European tradition.

This also explains why Wonderland is located underground. None of that pesky sunshine interrupting a hot croquet game with the players exploding into ash every few minutes.

Of course, there will have to be a sequel. 

Though Through the Looking Glass might be tricky for a lead character who can't actually see her reflection.

Marketers'll have to revisit that one.

As-Seen-on-TV Products for the Supernatural Consumer

From ShamWow! and SlapChop to the Snuggie and OxyClean, there's an As-Seen-On-TV product for virtually everyone...

Well, not quite everyone... until now! Yes, finally-- the line of helpful, effective, and time-saving products that undead and supernatural consumers have been waiting for! A family of items tailored specifically to the needs of the not-quite-living. Being inhuman and evil incarnate has never been so beautiful!

Wair. Are you a werewolf ashamed of all that unnecessary body hair? Is fur just too Old School Stylin' for your fashion-conscious wolfpack these days? Now you can be silky-smooth-- and more aerodynamic when chasing victims-- with Wair, depilatory made specifically for werewolves. Comes in super-economy sizes for that sexy, all-over hair-free feeling!


DracNav. You're a vampire leading an active social life. You like to travel-- take in new castles, or hit that hot new club. But how many times have you been nearly flambeed because you accidentally walked onto consecrated ground? Ouch!

But now there's DracNav, the world's only personal GPS-based detector for santified spaces. DracNav fits comfortably in the ear, so it's handy no matter how far from your coffin you fly. Never get lost on holy ground again! And with its new super-sonic hearing device capabilites, you'll detect angry villagers with torches a mile away. Talk about convenience!


OxyShroud. So you're a mummy... You've been wearing the same old rags for 6,000 years. And you do everything in them-- stalk archaeologists, suck the life out of disbelievers, chase away cats... You're undead on-the-go!

So how do you keep those rags of yours sparkling clean? It's easy with OxyShroud! This unique steam-cleaning kit uses the power of oxygen, to clean those rags and get them their whitest. Plus, OxyShroud's special system allows you to keep the rags on while you clean, so you'll never disintegrate to dust from a full exposure to air.


Safe4Silver. You love jewelry, but how do you know it's safe to wear, now that you've become a werewolf? Well, Safe4Silver will test your jewelry to check for silver content. Simply send your jewelry in our easy-to-claw-shut Safe4Silver pre-paid envelope. Pieces we discover contain silver, we buy direct from you. Then we'll return-mail you the rest-- (less the cost of shipping and handling)-- along with your cash. Avoiding nasty silver burns and potential death has never been easier... and more financially savvy!


ShedEgg. Living in the Black Lagoon can leave your skin rough and scaly. But with the new ShedEgg, you can remove years of those unshed skin layers, to uncover that beautiful tadpole-like glow you remember.

(Thanks to my witty friends Shirley and Scoobie for helping inspire this post!)


And while you're here, tell me folks-- if you had your druthers, what would you rather be-- a werewolf or a vampire? (Or other.) It always makes for an interesting discussion. :)

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Vampirism, Livestock Abuse and Other Questions about Facebook

Peer pressure... As an adult, I sorta expected to be done with that. But after too many respected online friends explained how Facebook was where all the "cool kids" hung out, I decided to update that old empty profile of mine.

Which was odd, since my school career pretty much ran toward the individualistically "tepid."

Anyway, so I hit Facebook, found friends, felt welcome. But I'm still puzzled about some things:

• Who are these "3 people in Gibsonia who think I'm stupid" and why do they want me to take an IQ test? I mean, in school, when kids called each other stupid, we never had to deflect it with standardized testing. Just a few "sez you's" and "I know you are but what am I's." Today's kids apparently require evidentiary support.
  

• Why does Facebook keep asking "why some celebrities look so young" like it's the riddle of the Sphinx? Miss Celebrity, meet Mr. Scalpel and Miss Liposuction. It's so simple, I don't even need those smarties in Gibsonia to explain it. Incidentally, a positive way to represent young-looking celebs? Is not Jennifer Aniston puffing like a chimney on her Virginia Slims. Just sayin'.
  

• What does Facebook have against sheep? And why do people keep lobbing them at me? Since arriving on Facebook, I have been struck by several sheep, a groundhog, Poked, Superpoked, possibly UltraSuperMegaPoked, and encouraged to catapult various creatures of the hoofed persuasion myself. I blame Monty Python for this. Ever since the Great Livestock Lobbing of 1013, things haven't been the same. Just please, please, please remember, before you lob-- give fleece a chance. Not that I'm a fan of PETA, but I can't believe they haven't gotten involved yet.

• Is button addiction curable? My scoliosis in high school may have, in part, been due to the sheer weight of my purse from the number of pithy buttons I'd pinned there. (Doctors should look into this sort of thing.) On Facebook, I seem to have reinstated the addiction with an application called "Pieces of Flair"-- virtual buttons for all occasions. I've made my own buttons. I've coveted others' buttons. Friends give me buttons and I am powerless to deny them. I must have them. All of them. I must put them on my virtual corkboard. I must display them for all to admire. Anyone know of a good Anti-Flair Addiction Support Group?
  

• I have been bitten by vampires and they want to recruit me for the Vampire Cause. What should I do? See, on the down side, I'm not really a joiner. If everyone else is out slaughtering villages and plotting to eradicate the human race to create a brave new vampire world, I'm just not as inspired to rampage, too. On the plus side, I imagine I'd get some really elegant clothes, great hair (Evil always has excellent hair), and get to live in an abandoned mansion. So I'm torn.
  

Well, those are the main questions about Facebook that I have right now. I'm actually feeling pretty good considering the vampire bite and a slight concussion from a sheep to the head.

How are you Facebookies faring?

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