Rubbernecking the Ridiculous: Tips to Reduce Forum Thread Outrage

You know how cars on one side of the road end up slowing down, compelled to get a glimpse of a tragic accident on the other side of the highway?

That's what I find myself doing in some online forum threads.

What inevitably I see there is the verbal equivalent of a ten-car pile-up. Something that might have once been a respectful point... decent adult discourse... a unique perspective... something we could all learn from... now pulled apart and twisted together again, turned upside down and made grotesque.

A nose where a nose should not be. A leg where an arm once was.

All tangled up metal and smeared with gore and not quite human anymore. Or perhaps all too human. Because I look at it and am still reminded of what it had once been. And mourn what it's turned into.

See, the thing is, I know going into particular threads that this is likely what I'm going to see. Yet I lurk, anyway. Why? Why do I do this to myself? Because each time I do, I feel my blood pressure jet-packing skyward.... I see my belief in basic human decency hitting the southbound express lane...

And I have only myself to blame for it.

Which got me thinking-- there have to be a lot of other folks out there facing the same problem. More silent folks who know we shouldn't look, but still do, due to our own personal weakness... our own compulsions... our own mysterious need to see the unfathomable. Folks who could cure our own ailments by simply hitting that X button in the corner of the browser window. And yet sometimes we still find ourselves crossing the county line from North BlissfulIgnorance to Lower Curiosity.

So I've pulled together a few alternate suggestions, of ways to deal with Forum Thread Rubbernecking for habitual lurkers. Ways to diffuse the irritation, to experience even the most divisive thread with a gladder heart, and to drive past the car crashes without a direct route to Depression. Perhaps one of these techniques will help you, as well:

• Pretend every thread is the next season of the hot new soap opera, As the Stomach Churns. Meet the insidious Lola, the two-faced Thad, the overcompensating Raven, the off-her-meds Angelique, and the contradictory and conflicted Javier.

• Bone up on psychology and play, "Name That Disorder." Uncover phobias, unspoken cries for help, inferiority complexes, covert narcissism and sociopathic mindsets.
  

• Make it into a drinking game, where points are earned every time name-calling occurs, stereotypical labels are flung generously, self-contradictions occur within the same paragraph and report buttons get hit. Chug when threads are removed by administrators.

• Imagine all the participants are giant cranky 2-year olds, complete with Dora the Explorer and Barney t-shirts, rubber pants and security blankies. Predict when naptimes will occur and when the next "time-out" will be awarded.
  

• Make a list of ten impossible-to-believe stand-alone forum quotes a day. Compile them into a best-selling coffee table book.

• Parallel different personalities with literary figures and compare where plotlines diverge.

• Create abstract art to represent each horrifying thread. Sell your work on Etsy, or at local arts fairs with titles like "Flame Warfare No. 12," "2Cute4U19's Confusion" or "Rage in Caps."

Yes, for those moments when you simply cannot make yourself X out, there are still ways to minimize the disappointment, the horror, the disbelief. By employing some simple strategies, it may be possible to get through social media with one's soul intact. Together, I hope we can make the Internet Highway a smoother, healthier, less road-ragey ride for everyone.

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