Spamming with the Stars

Jack Bauer emailed me. Yep, he took time out of his busy 24-hour-working-day of saving the country from terrorists, head-butting baddies, and being tortured-- where every second counts-- to send little ol' me an important message about...

Male enhancement.

What a guy! I mean where, in his jam-packed schedule, would he even get the time to devote to this sort of public service? To care about the, er, little people out there?

I guess maybe in the eight minutes of commercial breaks each episode. Presumably when he also pees.

You'd just think this sort of online support could be delegated to a trusted friend at CTU, or something. Like Chloe. But not our Jack. Nope, it's so like him, isn't it? He just has to do everything himself.

Well, right as I was wondering how my purchasing male enhancement products from dodgy, semi-anonymous companies online could contribute to the greater good of America, and I considered delving beyond the mere subject line... get this:

Writer Jean Shepherd (A Christmas Story) emailed me, too! Which really impressed me, since not only didn't I envision him as being particularly tech-savvy, but he's also been dead for several years. I mean, now, I know the Internet is far-reaching, but this was absolutely astounding!

And what had our dear departed Mr. Shepherd come all the way from beyond the grave to say? What wisdom did he have to impart? His life's philosophy? The need to smoke fewer cigars? To share writing tips? Why, he came and created an email account to spread the word about...

Male enhancement!

I was starting to spot a trend.

Heh. It makes you sorta wonder what's in the spammers' minds, doesn't it? I mean, as far as marketing goes, perhaps we really are all self-absorbed enough to believe a famous person not only has our private email address but is going to take the time to send us a personalized note out of the blue.

But are we really out-of-touch enough to open and respond to email from fictional characters and dead celebs?

Maybe it's the spam equivalent of crank yanking. The email equivalent of calling and asking if Seymour Butz is there. The spammers are all at their computer terminals snickering and saying, "Let's see how they respond to... Bruce Wayne!"

And then they get this influx of payments from guys using their DC Comics special Dark Knight collector's edition Visa cards or something.

I don't know how it works, really.

And I guess I'll never find out, because my lack of response must have cut off my connection with the spirit world. Yes, indeedy, ol' Jean Shepherd never emailed me again. It's a shame, too, because I had a ton of questions about the writing process and--

Oh, wait: Charlotte Bronte just sent me a note! And it looks like she has an important message for me about timeshares in Nigeria.

I really hate to sidetrack her-- I mean, I don't get a lot of vacation time for a trip to Nigeria-- but while I have her attention, maybe I can ask her just a few questions about Jane Eyre...

What do you think? :)


I wonder if Jack Bauer ever sends email to the folks at Humor-blogs?


Miss Shirl said...

I guess rigomortis finally kicked in! :) Finally got a rise out of them. To self "Shirley shame on you. Clean your mouth out with soap. I said now young lady!" :)

Anonymous said...

I only get emails from Lawyer X, or Prince Y from some forgotten footnote in history. Perhaps science fiction writers are actually correct about parallel universes but maybe the wormhole is screed up somehow and the only way they can communicate is via spam. Think about that, all this time we've been deleting their messages when we should in fact be trying to decipher them.

Unknown said...

Ah, Shirley- I can't even scold you, as you've already done it yourself. :) Dead celebs and male enhancement, and you managed to tie 'em both together... Too funny.

Carl- I think you've hit on it. It's a secret code they're speaking in, to try to sneak their messages through from their universe. How could I be so dumb!?

And to think, I watch things like Dr. Who, too. I hang my head in shame.

Anonymous said...

You should go with those BronteCorp Nigerian timeshares. Anne is making a killing selling holiday homes to ex-pat oil workers.

Jane Austin's investing heavily, I hear.

Unknown said...

Tiggy- Ah, I'd wondered what Anne Bronte had gotten up to after The Tenant of Wildfell Hall... and after, you know, snuffing it. And now I know. Glad she's having some success!

I'll have to send her a note and tell her the timeshare's a go, then. :)

Anonymous said...

LOL!!!! I responded to one of those male enhancement things once to inform them I'm a pregnant female and I don't have an unsatisfied girlfriend but thanks for thinking of me. They did stop for maybe a week or so. ;)

hey if you hear from Dr Who let me know. Now he could actually have something interesting to tell us! Like England is being invaded again.

Greg said...

All I can say to the idea of Jean Shepherd emailing you about male enhancement is "You'll shoot your eye out, kid!"

: )

Unknown said...

Chyna- Heh, takin' on the spammers, eh? You are one ornery lady. Too funny.

And Greg?- Gaw-- Now I wish I'd thought of that. Man, the visitors here are funnier than the hostess... no fair! :)

(Actually, it totally makes my day!)

~* ♥ Fallen Angel ♥ *~ said...

I think you are soooo lucky to have all these celebrities worry and care for you, and you just don`t realize it.... :))

Unknown said...

Angel- You're so so right-- I should work to be more appreciative. ;)

I'll try to send some your way, too-- so you can also feel the love. (grin) :)

Alice said...

Off topic, but since you mentioned Jean Shepherd - I always think of the funny story he wrote about buying candy at the candy store when I hear his name. Need to find that book...

(just thinking out loud in your comments section...sorry...)

crpitt said...

I love viagra spam, it has become a source of great amusement to me :)

New gigantic rod is easy to get!

Clue: It's not about fishing.


Release the inner T-Rex

Clue: Not a Jurassic park film.

You must be special though to get celebrities, I only get Mr Trouser Snake guy.

Unknown said...

Alice- I think you mean the bit about the red and black jawbreakers at Polaski's candy store? But I can't recall which story that was myself. I think it was a part of another story...

Might be in "Wanda Hickey's Night of Golden Memories and Other Disasters." Good book, if you haven't gotten to read that one. Ralphie goes to the prom-- and you should just see his prom outfit.

Claire- Yes, some of their metaphors have gotten really interesting over the years. As spam filters get better, their options for similies have narrowed and really forced them to get creative.

In a way, you have to admire that. :)

I haven't seen the T-rex one yet. "Welcome, to V1agra Park!"

Robert Crane said...

got bad news for ya. i get emails from the future, the year 2038 to be exact, and apparently male enhancement is still a scourge across this great land.

so you'll be getting these emails from jack and jean for years to come my friend.

Unknown said...

2038, eh, Bob?

Well, the good news there is that all those folks quoting the Mayan calendar and saying the world will end in 2020 are wrong-- and you have the Spam From The Future to prove it. :)

Even Angels Fall said...

Caring for 'little people'.... Well, he does care and wants to move us from that group to the group of 'enhanced people' Think about it, who would you trust most when it came to enhancing your...handle, which, to start with you don't?

And in between breaks, he check to see f you've responded. You don't know what you're missing.

Unknown said...

Angel- Absolutely-- men all over the world trust Jack Bauer-- so why not believe him on the male enhancement issue? :)

He gets a lot done on those commercial breaks, doesn't he? It's so impressive.