The Gal with One Black Shoe

"Oh my God- I am out in public wearing two entirely different shoes!"

This was my revelation yesterday in the middle of the K-Mart parking lot. And oh, there was no getting around it. One foot was definitely sporting a flip-flop. The other, a black ballerina flat.

What led to this obvious error, you might ask?


No, no, it's not what you're thinking. My excess shoe variety wasn't a result of a wild, reckless Memorial Day bender where even the traditions of sensible footwear were sneered at with crazed abandon....

Remember, I'm too much of a big ol' goody-two shoes (ha! pun intended) to actually be that exciting.

No, the lack of shoe harmony was because during weekends and vacations, I make the mistake of taking on too much. And this results in things like gouged eyelids, and traction, and more bandages than a Boris Karloff Mummy Lookalike Party.

Why, twice on vacations, I have underestimated the distance on a map and determined that what would be really FUN and GOOD EXERCISE and a GREAT WAY to get SUPER photos would be to WALK the distance. The last time was when my friend Scoobie and I road-tripped to Cape May to go antiquing and to the beach.

Looking at the distance between the hotel and Sunset Beach, I thought we'd be there in a jiff. No problem! It's only, like, a quarter of a centimeter away!

An hour and a half later in blistering July, we made it down to the ocean-- Scoobie in her sensible tennis shoes and me in these cute pink flats-- and I realized that the reason the back of my heels had finally stopped throbbing was because they were covered in blood, and the blood was nicely reducing the friction on my heel.

This is the way I relax.

So the weekend was a bit like that, with me running errands while wearing cute new shoes-- (ah, the evil lure of cute shoes... Dante's tenth level of Hell involves attractive, impractical footwear, I'm sure of it)-- and coming back with one heel so raw, neighborhood butchers were cringing and vomiting at the sight of me.

Monday morning, this led to my wearing flip-flops and crop pants to work, since anything touching my heel like loafers... or the brush of a jeans leg... or, say, a good breeze... made me scream and pass out.

Only I can't DRIVE with flip-flops. So this quickly evolved into popping on one regular shoe to work the gas/brake pedal, and having to do a very Mr. Rogersy sort of shoe-transition when I got to work....

You know IF Mr. Rogers had spent the weekend walking around the neighborhood for ten hours in unbroken-in tennies until his feet were oozing stumps.

And see, this was my downfall. Because-- while a very good system in general-- it had not been PRACTICED and PERFECTED.

So thinking I would stop by K-Mart on the way home from work, I was focused on what I needed in Marthastewartland and not so much on how I planned to get inside it.

And so, my friends, I leave you today with this bit of wisdom:

When the shoe is on the other foot, and it drops, make sure it matches the first shoe before it falls, because you just can't understand a person until you walk a mile in another man's ballerina flats and by then, you're really, really, REALLY far away without Band-Aids.
Thank you.


PS-Over at Humor-blogs, they're bound to stick their foot in it!


Da Old Man said...

Wimmins and shoes. I don't get it. I don't think I have ever owned more than 3 pairs of footwear at the same time, and the Mrs. travels with more than that.

By the way, Cape May rocks.

Unknown said...

Da Old Man- Guilty as charged! :) I don't know what it is about shoes. Although, admittedly, when I do find a pair of shoes that do NOT kill my feet, I do wear them until they're a wreck.

And yup, I'm with ya- Cape May does rock. Just a great, great place. I hadn't been there since I was a kid until that last visit, and it was incredible to see it again.

Anonymous said...

Love the doodle, although I sincerely hope your feet are more normal than that and not square!

And I'm with da old man on the subject of women and too many shoes

Unknown said...

Carl-- heh-- ol "Square Foot" they used to call me back in the day and...

Actually, okay, no, you got me-- it's just the drawing. :) Microsoft Word shapes doesn't lend itself to toes.

And I know the shoe thing is a stereotype, but also kinda true.

Hey, maybe we wouldn't need so many if half of them didn't rub our feet raw! (My excuse for today and I'm sticking to it.)

Alice said...

I spent a good deal of thinky time wondering how you were going to explain the two different shoes, and by George, it was a great explanation!

Should we get you some Birkenstocks?

Unknown said...

Alice- it was one of those things I couldn't have made up if I tried. I actually stood in the K-Mart parking lot (having walked half-way to the store, mind you) laughing hysterically.

I think I will pass on the Birkenstocks, though. :)

Greg said...

I'm a little disappointed that you noticed while you were still in the parking lot.

You know, I always suspected you were one of those "cute shoe" girls. But I won't hold it against you--sounds like you're already paying your dues!

And in case this sounds harsh, you should know I was thrilled to read through and see that the Nemesis Arch didn't topple on your foot or anything like that.

Chuck Taylors here--good for every occasion!

: )

Unknown said...

Greg- You would have me walking around K-Mart with two distinctly different shoes? ...

Actually, I'm sure they've seen EVERYTHING in that K-Mart. :)

I'm a bit of a "cute shoe" girl, but I'd like to specify-- I am a cute CHEAP shoe girl.

And if this were a horror movie and, say, it was run or be killed-- I would normally have shoes I could really run in (albeit cute ones). So I wouldn't be, say, vampire or zombie fodder or anything.

Anonymous said...

Ya know It is the in thing now. Seen loads of kids and Teens wearing shoes that don't match.

Hence you are with the in crowd

Static said...

I was starting to think that you had solved the "one shoe on the side of the road" symptom by collecting them as you drove along and just happened to be wearing a mismatched pair of shoes because of that.

Oh, silly me...


Anonymous said...

Do the stores there not carry Moleskin? When I worked in retail (RIP Mr Petrie) I came to work in two different colored socks. Wasn't discovered until I was leaning over something we were all putting together and the fashion maven of the store exclaimed "Tuna you're wearing two different colored socks!!!". We had a good laugh about that one for ages. Probably why I don't wear socks much anymore. LOL In my defense I had opened the store that morning so when I had gotten dressed I thought I had two socks the same color and without a light they looked good. That will teach me to not match my socks up before tossing into the drawer!

Anonymous said...

Come to think about it, I think I came to work in two different shoes too once. However they were both black and fairly similar. Good thing there is a Payless Shoes at the mall. ;-)

Jenn Thorson said...

Wendy- Hey, WOW-- I'll be "In" for possibly the first time in my lil 'ol life! It's so exciting.

(I'd better not blink or the Inness will be gone.)

Static- HA! No, I'm sorry to say I haven't, though it's possible there could be a relationship between the two. Maybe someone else injured just one foot while they were hitchhiking and, um, got new shoes somewhere and... hm... isn't isn't working, is it?

Chyna- Two different socks is easy to do, depending on HOW different they are. I have pairs in navy and black in the same style, and I've worn one of each before...

PS-- Can I call you "Tuna"? :) (Love how you slipped that in there, by the way...)

Alice said...

Yo Jenn! I think I have you to thank for doing the "reddit" thing to my erotic duck story. It's hysterical because I think I'm getting a lot of sad and disappointed traffic/folks who were really looking for something "erotic" and ended up with some lousy ducks in my bad yard. Hahahahahahaaa.....

Alice said...

That's supposed to be 'back yard' not 'bad yard'.

Unknown said...

Yo, Alice! Ah-- you found out it was me-- and I was trying to be sneaky! (HAHAHAHA) Yay, good fun. Glad to have Reddited your ducks-- I did put it under "Funny" and not, "Adult Waterfowl Fantasies" so the folks had SOME clue at least what it might be. (That was a hysterical post anyway.)

And maybe "bad yard" is the right phrase, after what happened to that one duck. :)

crpitt said...

You have my shoes!

I don't own very many shoes, but in the pile are black ballerina pumps and those flip flops.

very weird indeed.

Although I wear them at separate times :)

I wear odd socks all the time, just thought you would like to know that.

Even weirder the only place my dad has been in America is Cape May, for the birds (feathered kind).

Unknown said...

Claire- That actually is kind of funny. And to make it even more entertaining, I did wear black ballerina flats in England when I went. To London and Bath in particular.

I am amused, also, at your odd socks. :)

I think, Claire, we are somehow balancing the footwear of our two countries. Too bad on your trip to the U.S., you aren't going to Cape May, because I could SOOO meet you there. That would be hysterical.

crpitt said...

I shall wear mine when I am over and photograph them :)

The odd socks are down to the fact that the sock monster steals them or I am too lazy to pair them up or both.

Maybe the world will be doomed if we both the same shoes on the same continent?

You should come to Boston or CT and find me.

Anonymous said...

Sure go ahead and call me Tuna. I get a kick out of people's faces when my friend Becky calls me that. if they only knew how innocent it is. :)