Vampirism, Livestock Abuse and Other Questions about Facebook

Peer pressure... As an adult, I sorta expected to be done with that. But after too many respected online friends explained how Facebook was where all the "cool kids" hung out, I decided to update that old empty profile of mine.

Which was odd, since my school career pretty much ran toward the individualistically "tepid."

Anyway, so I hit Facebook, found friends, felt welcome. But I'm still puzzled about some things:

• Who are these "3 people in Gibsonia who think I'm stupid" and why do they want me to take an IQ test? I mean, in school, when kids called each other stupid, we never had to deflect it with standardized testing. Just a few "sez you's" and "I know you are but what am I's." Today's kids apparently require evidentiary support.
  

• Why does Facebook keep asking "why some celebrities look so young" like it's the riddle of the Sphinx? Miss Celebrity, meet Mr. Scalpel and Miss Liposuction. It's so simple, I don't even need those smarties in Gibsonia to explain it. Incidentally, a positive way to represent young-looking celebs? Is not Jennifer Aniston puffing like a chimney on her Virginia Slims. Just sayin'.
  

• What does Facebook have against sheep? And why do people keep lobbing them at me? Since arriving on Facebook, I have been struck by several sheep, a groundhog, Poked, Superpoked, possibly UltraSuperMegaPoked, and encouraged to catapult various creatures of the hoofed persuasion myself. I blame Monty Python for this. Ever since the Great Livestock Lobbing of 1013, things haven't been the same. Just please, please, please remember, before you lob-- give fleece a chance. Not that I'm a fan of PETA, but I can't believe they haven't gotten involved yet.

• Is button addiction curable? My scoliosis in high school may have, in part, been due to the sheer weight of my purse from the number of pithy buttons I'd pinned there. (Doctors should look into this sort of thing.) On Facebook, I seem to have reinstated the addiction with an application called "Pieces of Flair"-- virtual buttons for all occasions. I've made my own buttons. I've coveted others' buttons. Friends give me buttons and I am powerless to deny them. I must have them. All of them. I must put them on my virtual corkboard. I must display them for all to admire. Anyone know of a good Anti-Flair Addiction Support Group?
  

• I have been bitten by vampires and they want to recruit me for the Vampire Cause. What should I do? See, on the down side, I'm not really a joiner. If everyone else is out slaughtering villages and plotting to eradicate the human race to create a brave new vampire world, I'm just not as inspired to rampage, too. On the plus side, I imagine I'd get some really elegant clothes, great hair (Evil always has excellent hair), and get to live in an abandoned mansion. So I'm torn.
  

Well, those are the main questions about Facebook that I have right now. I'm actually feeling pretty good considering the vampire bite and a slight concussion from a sheep to the head.

How are you Facebookies faring?

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Celebrating the Few, the Noble, the Kinda Sorta Unthought-About

Let's face it, it's grim out there. People's inner rage has gone outer... We're watching our 401Ks erode into high-end bubble-gum money... Our peanut butter jars now come with nuclear contamination symbols on them... And David Caruso still seems to have a career.

But at Of Cabbages and Kings, we like to think on the bright side-- mainly so our cabbage mascot up there doesn't try to commit slaw off some high building. (He's working through some things.)

So today, picking up where the Bud Light "Real American Heroes" theme left off, I'd like to highlight just a few of the people out there who have gone unrecognized. The little-considered taskmasters who quietly, thanklessly impact our daily lives. Yes, today we will celebrate the underrated professionals in this world that make life just that much sunnier.

Let's give 'em a hand, shall we?

• The person who puts the inspection stickers on clothes. Thank you, "Inspector 15- Jane", for making sure my t-shirt today is soft, well-seamed, and color-fast. At the end of the day, when I am not orange, I have you to thank.

• The guy who changes the numbers on gas station signs. Laughing in the face of arm and neck strain, dangerously high winds, rain and snow-- you, gas station guy, use the metal pole of precision so we know the latest prices, and make the best gasoline decisions for our money.

• The guy who invented the shape of the so-tubular Pringle. Oh, designer of edibles, you calculated the perfect way potato molecules could be reformed into crunchy stackable snack nirvana, giving birth to a whole new artform for crisps technology. This crunch is for you.
  

• The person who puts those twisty ties in toy packaging. Barbie has reached little Suzie's hands safe and well-coiffed, thanks to your dedication to doll safety. Yes, we spend 20 minutes trying to get those ties off, but that is more a testament to your rigorous standards and our hurried, impatient society, than the importance of your job. Cheers to you, my friend!
  

• Who put the "bop" in the "bop-shoo-bop-shoo-bop." We never did find this out, and it's been decades now. But we know many a baby has been brought back due to your efforts, oh Wizard of the "Ramma-Lamma-Ding-Dong." You have a higher success rate for relationship repair than Dr. Phil. Well done, I say!
  

• Singer of bad jingles for cable business advertising. You knew when you first heard it, that the GoodFeet Store song would never win you a Grammy. Yet you, Singer of Questionable Verse, still gave it your all. It takes rock-hard self-esteem to proudly sing of arch support. Here we give you the applause you rightly deserve.
  

• The person who slaps the stickers on individual pieces of fruit. The phrase "apples to apples" means nothing to you, fine Fruit Label Sticker-Onner. You know the difference between a Pinata 3435 and an Ambrosia 3438 and you make it mean something. Self-checkout would elude the casual fruit purchaser were it not for your work. You have given us the gift of time.
  

Who do you feel has earned a place among these workforce giants? There's no better time than now to praise their efforts, and let 'em know you care!

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