Blogging Birthday Lessons Learned

It's hard to believe, but as of today, I've officially been blogging for three years. Yep, newborns have grown into full-fledged, "NO!"-proclaiming humans in the time my first blog has been a virtual quickie-mart stop on the Internet Highway.

And in that time, I've learned a few things. Things which I will share with you today:

• Spammers know no sense of irony. I have a Japanese spammer. She spams both of my blogs daily, in Japanese. My readers and I don't speak Japanese. She doesn't speak English. Each day she specifically spams the post about my deep loathing of individuals of the Spamacious nature, such as herself. Each day I delete her spam. What we have here is a failure to communicate.
  

• When you discuss the film Aliens, do so with the reverence normally reserved for the Pope and crispy bacon. Back when I was just a baby blogger, I made the mistake of thinking I had some funny observations about the film Aliens. Due to the wonders of Social Media (meaning about 10 angry Reddit-haunters who apparently sleep under Aliens sheet sets on their parents' pull-out sofas, dreaming of how different their lives would have been if only Sigourney Weaver had gone to the prom with them), I learned that my observations about Aliens are, in fact, wrong and distinctly unfunny. So from here on out, I shall refer to Aliens as "That Space-Oriented Film Of Which I am Unworthy To Speak, What With Not Having Thoroughly Digested Its Entire Catalogue of In-Depth Mythology." For your own safety, I recommend you do the same.
  

• No, they've already heard that story. No, really. Really. I'm lucky enough to have a few real-life friends who read my blogs. This, I understand, helps them keep up with all the fast-paced, budget-conscious, telemarketer-flaming, furniture-refinishing, anti-zombie activity that surrounds my oh-so-riveting life. This also means that when I see them in person, I begin to regale them with my latest plan for better human-zombie relations or, say, the cool new purse I thrifted, they cut me off quicker than the Stig test driving a Lambo on the Autobahn. "Yes, I read that," they tell me, offering the polite pained smile you give that aged relative with Alzheimer's who's just opened her birthday slippers for the fourth time. Let me tell you, the conversation dies quicker than Meryl Streep looking for another Oscar. Always have new material.
  

• If they're not laughing at your jokes, at least you can't see their faces. Blogging has allowed me to share all the things that have struck me funny, some of them not even involving infomercials. But the best thing about blogging is, I don't have to see your faces. Not that you guys aren't all really beautiful people, who I wouldn't totally enjoy staring at until you started nervously sweating and tugging at your collar, because of the High Art involved in your perfect profiles. But 1.) I don't have time for that crap. And 2.) when I make a joke that totally bombs, I don't have to see your expressions of weary bewildered tolerance. This has been great for the ol' self-esteem. Thanks!

• You can't turn back the hands of time on a bad post. Believe me, I've tried. I've scoured the city, looking for Doctor Who. And not just for a brief vacay of interstellar travel and cheeky banter, but also to intercept the latest, mutant blog issuance I'd given birth to. How do you unmake that three-eyed, humorless child you adored for 3.5 seconds? Well, you don't. You can't. You can unpublish, but it's already out there, limping through the cities and breaking up the place. So just slap a tux on it, sing a duet of "Putting On the Ritz," and move on. Maybe no one will notice.

Well, I could go on and on about this, but I won't because of the last thing I learned from blogging:

• Know when enough's enough.

And since I know a lot of you readers out there are bloggers, too:

• Care to share your bestest blogging lessons?...

And do any of them involve a "Space-Oriented Film Of Which You're Not Worthy to Speak"?

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Things I Learned from Watching Television

Ah, television-- putting the "pow" and "bif" into mind-numbing entertainment options for over half a century! And me, well, I've spent my share of time plunked down in front of the old boob tube.

But for folks who say television has nothing to teach us, I say they're WRONG!

In fact, I think they're SO wrong, I've pulled together just a few absolutely indispensable things (read: useless mind-clutter pushing out the really important stuff in my brain), all of which I've learned over the years from watching TV:

• Only good-looking people find themselves stuck on deserted islands, as members of any elite team, survivors from a plague, or in the medical profession. If you're in one of these situations and you are not terribly attractive? Brace yourself for a poignant death three episodes into the season. Unless you are funny.
  

• The cooler and edgier you are, the more frequently your world will break into unexpected slo-mo, particularly when you're just walking purposefully from here to there. When you feel the slo-mo coming, make sure you've got a long coat handy that can billow in the breeze.
  

• When you have experienced the loss of a loved one, sad music in a two-minute montage will begin, interspersed with flashbacks. This is a perfectly acceptable replacement for actual feelings, discussion or facial expressions.

• No one ever really needs to go to the restroom-- thinking we do is a misconception. Jack Bauer, for instance, has been holding it for at least five seasons. The only acceptable reason for entering a restroom is if the serial killer, who's been stalking you, is hiding in there.
  

• You can be a renowned scientist, important professor or highly decorated supercop by age 25. None of your less-alert and middle-aged team members will call you things like "Kid" or "Skippy." And no one will be surprised that you're the one with all the authority at the crime scene. The exception to this is if you are a Rookie Cop who Doesn't Play by the Rules. Then your superiors are obligated to condescend to you. Don't worry; you will humiliate them all later.
  

• If you are a female scientist, you are beautiful, but have bad eyesight and haven't heard of contact lenses. Also, no one will notice how beautiful you are until you remove your glasses during casual discussion. Glasses are the number one protective barrier to anyone noticing you are a supermodel.
  

• When in a tense forensic situation where a body is being examined, and specialized knowledge is critical-- it's important to make a bad pun each time you leave the scene. That shows how hip, savvy and in-control you are. If you aren't currently good at punning, there are classes to help you hone your skills.
  

• If you are a female in a horror situation, and turn to the dark side your hair will look better than it ever has. Being possessed or going evil means suddenly you have your own personal stylist. Yes, the key to ending bad hair days is to get overtaken by a demon and try to destroy the world. End of Life as We Know It? Yes. But super -do!

• On any level road, two cars experiencing a simple rear-end collision can defy all laws of physics and the back car will run up over the lead car. The back car will then flip, roll down an embankment, and explode. It’s a little-known fact that in the '70s and early '80s, car airbags were filled with rocket fuel for our safety. This is why our insurance rates are so high today.

• It is impossible to build your own armored car or gun arsenal until 15 to 20 minutes before the show concludes. Don't worry. At the appropriate time, you will find yourself in an abandoned warehouse with scraps of metal and a blowtorch. If no scraps of metal are available, one of your teammates will have to offer up his extensive collection of gold chains, to melt down into appropriate bulletproof protection.
  

• All metal is bulletproof. Hide behind any dumpster or self-made tank during a shoot-out, and you will remain unscathed.

• If you're a bad guy in a chase scene, there is a high probability you will survive a car crash. If you're an '80s bad guy, you will feel compelled to ask your evil cohorts if they're okay. Hardened criminals are always concerned about each other’s safety.

• Also, if you're considering getting into the Bad Guy career field, never stop for cops, no matter what your driving violation. It doesn't matter if you've got a broken tail light, you blew through a stop sign, or you've jaywalked. You are automatically obligated to become the lead car in a high-speed chase.
  

Well, those are the main things I've learned over the years from watching TV. What invaluable knowledge has television taught you folks? I'd love to hear about it.

PS- Thanks to those of you who already voted for me for "Humor Blogger of the Year." Much appreciated-- I will be able to show my face around the Humorblogger's forum without my compadres spitting in my drink and, um, trying to give me wedgies.

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What I learned from Bugs Bunny

I grew up on Bugs Bunny and the rest of the Looney Tunes crew, like many generations before me. And from these cartoons, I received quite an education. Today, I thought I'd share a little of what I learned:

• Niche Marketing. That Acme Markets, the real-and-for-true grocery store chain, diversified to sell rocket launchers and jet-powered roller skates. Strangely, I'd never seen them stocked in the store in my hometown. They must have been Special Order only.
  

• Foreign languages. Like French. For instance, when someone is leaving on a long trip, you say, "Bon voy-yahdg-ee." And the word for skunk is "le pew." If you are out of breath from being chased, you "le sigh" and "le pant," "le huff" and "le puff." This is enough to get you through any trip to Paris.
  

• New vocabulary words. I discovered that a "maroon" is a stupid person, and not a reddish-brownish-purple color like the dictionary says. And "moidelize" is the threat to commit an act of violence on another. On the school playground, for example, you would threaten to moidelize the bully who went after you.
  

• About life in other countries. Canadians jump over Niagra Falls in a barrel regularly, and with no ill effects. Chefs are always French or Italian. And no matter where you go-- whether it's a South Pacific Island, a chic French bistro, or deep in the Appalachian hillbilly hills... everyone, but EVERYONE loves rabbit stew.
  

• Tolerance. Just because a boy rabbit dresses up like a girl rabbit, doesn't make him any less cool. And 4 out of 5 individuals in any crowd have some form of serious speech impediment. This will go unnoticed.
  

• History. We learned Robin Hood was accident prone, one of the knights of the Round Table had a cowboy drawl, and in World War II, rabbits were trained as fighter pilots. This is why the Allies won the war.
  

• Physics. It is possible to levitate over a canyon for up to ten seconds before plummeting to the hard ground below. Anvils, however, always drop immediately.

• Music. Classical music, like Wagner's Ride of the Valkyries, at one time had lyrics, and the song was, in fact, about rabbit assassination. We also learned that the words to the opera The Barber of Seville are mostly comprised of the name "Figaro." That made it easier to remember for the cast.

• Household items. Poison bottles always bear a skull and crossbones on the front, bombs are always round and cannon-ball-like, and anvils are used and enjoyed well beyond blacksmithing. Nitro gylcerine can be found in any cabinet.
  

So tell me, what have you learned from our friend, the Bunny? Hope you'll hop to-it and share. :) Me, I have to go find that anvil...

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