Moctopussy

They want revenge. Or national treasury bling. Or weapons. They want to destroy the planet with assorted lasers. Or robots. Or giant sharks. Or giant robot sharks with lasers.

Some of them want a big-ass promotion.

But it occurred to me that very few movie villains, if any, ever want what so many highly obsessive folks teetering on the precipice of sanity seem to want...

An excess of cats.

So I was thinking, just once, I would love to see an action picture where the bad guy gets on the video comm-- which they all seem to have--

(Tech companies must make big bucks setting up satellite communication systems for Evil Overlords)

He picks up his pre-prepared evil guy speech--

(Because so often they toil for decades to achieve revenge and world domination, yet don't seem to have their evil monologues memorized. You'd think they'd be rehearsing in front of the mirror along with brushing their teeth every morning.)

-- And he tells our heroes something like this:


"This is Professor Heinous. My giant robot laser sharks are everywhere, and as you can see, I have you, citizens of Earth, right where I want you. So now that I have your complete and undivided attention, I will issue my demands..."

"By 12 midnight tomorrow, I want the major leaders of Earth to assemble and present me with the world's entire supply of...."

—You can hear a bead of sweat roll—

"...Persians!"

Here the leaders of the major nations, on each of their individual monitor screens, exchange glances with their advisors. Eyebrows are raised. The Secretary of Defense gives a meaningful look to the President and twirls a finger around one ear symbolically.

"Um," the President of the United States turns calmly to the monitor. "I believe they're called 'Iranians' nowadays."

"Not, people, you dimwit!" shouts Professor Heinous. "What am I going to do with people? I hate people. People make me sick. Persians! Persians!"

"Oh!" interjects the British Prime Minister. "Well, that can certainly be arranged. What color scheme are you going for?"

"Color sch--" A vein throbs in Professor Heinous' neck as he sputters. "Are you insulting me with talk of textiles?! This is a concrete stronghold cut into an isolated volcanic island. Do I look like I need rugs here?"

"Well, actually," says the Prime Minister, nodding hesitantly, "I wouldn't recommend the world's supply, but my wife indicates just a few would really tie the—"

"Persians!" shouts Professor Heinous. "Cats. Fluffy ones. That are soft and furry and go by names like Tiddles and Mister Whiskerton, and eat Fancy Feast out of crystal goblets. Persians, you fools! That I can talk to and pet and watch frolic after a feather on a stick. And which will never, ever leave me, largely because I will lock them in the Evil Compound and plus this is an island and they can't swim."

"Ah," said the Prime Minister of Japan, "'kay. Sure."

"And now for my second demand," says Professor Heinous. "I also expect to receive.... the world's supply of tinfoil, and all copies of the Sacramento Bee newspaper dating from 1982, February, back to 1960, July. I'm missing those copies for my collection and now that I rule the world, I'm thinking the time is right to really flesh it out."

The camera pans and we see that in most of the Evil Conference Room, there are stacks and stacks of hoarded yellow newspapers, piled high to the ceiling, many of them still in their original plastic wrappers.

"And don't send any of those Clean House people here when you drop them off. I hate that Niecy woman. She's obnoxious. I guarantee you, she will be the first to die."


So-- tell me, folks: what would you like to see a movie villain do that hasn't been done yet?

Signs Your Evil Overlord Business is Being Hurt by the Economy

So you say you have an Evil Empire. Well, the economy's affecting everyone these days and sometimes even the best-laid plans for iron-fisted world domination and mass enslavement aren't enough.

The key is recognizing just when your nefarious power loses that special zip. So to help you along, we at Cabbages wanted to share just a few signs your Dark Overlord gig might be taking a hit from cutbacks.

• You had plans to hold the world hostage with a giant laser. But your Evil Purchasing Department gave you a laser light pen and a Powerpoint projector.

• Your Death Star is part of a Sheriff's Sale, being bid on by developers. Of eco-friendly condos.

• To offset the cost of your Killer Shark Tank, you renamed it "ScaryBiteyFishWorld," wrote up some educational signage and charge admission to tourists during evil off-hours.

• You've had to trade your black custom supercar with the rockets for something with better gas mileage. Yet you sense a loss of respect each time you alight from the used beige Camry with the "honor student" bumper sticker.

• You've had to sell your remote secret hideout in the volcanic island and move to more economical digs. But your minions complain they can't be effectively evil working from cubes in an office park next to TGIFriday's. Morale is down.

• Your taunting conference calls to your goody-two-shoes Arch-Nemesis are interrupted because your pre-paid phone card has run out again.

• Your expensive exotic cat died. It has been replaced by what you insist is a "violent goldfish with a black soul." You suspect no one is buying it.

• Elaborate torture devices are now being cleverly-crafted from leftover flat-pack pieces from the IKEA clearance area.

• Your personal anti-gravity helicopter has been repossessed, so you hijack the local helicopter tour each time there's high-speed chase scene. You charge the tourists $10 a piece for the privilege.

• Your mass hypnotism ray has been exchanged for a more personalized technique, involving a dangling watch and instructions to cluck like a chicken. Though this method will take somewhat longer, you assure everyone the final results are what matters.

So... anything else to help an effective super-villain identify his economic sticking points during this frustrating financial crisis? I'd love to hear 'em!

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