Shutterbug Pop and the Runaway Train

I've been thinking of getting a video camera.

Of course, knowing me, I will likely end up spending less time using it to capture meaningful holiday moments and unique historical attractions-- and more time figuring out how to do stop-animation film of, say, Marshmallow Peeps staging an Easter-time jailbreak or something.

But to each his own.

The thought of the video camera, however, brought back memories of the last real family trip my parents and I took together-- a trip to Disney, in my 17th summer...

And how the Frontierland roller coaster made a, er, lasting impression on my Pop.

I believe I mentioned last week that during the 80s, my father had a very high-tech video camera. Which meant it was roughly the size of a Victorian steamer trunk for a six-month voyage. And this being my last trip with the folks before permanently flying the nest, the Pop was determined to document ALL the memories using this fine example of technology.

So, as we passed through Frontierland, and waited in line for the Big Thunder Mountain Railroad ride, my father decided that it would be pretty cool to film being on the ride.

Now, I don't know if you're familiar with this ride or not, but it's styled like a runaway train, rolling through jagged Old West mountains and dry desert terrain. And is it fast! Many a set of Mickey Mouse ears-- and a zippity-do-da-dinner-- has been a casualty of this ride.

Having explored this ride previously on a band trip, I was well aware of this fact. But see here's the thing:

My dad is a very intelligent man, but he is not what you'd call "A Listener." I've learned over the years that I have about a five-word limit on my part of any conversation before he's already delving into more important things.

It's sorta like using Twitter. I know I'd better get what I have to say out in the allotted characters or it's all a no-go.

(Now I think about it, I probably became a writer so I could complete full sentences.)

Anyway, so when the Pop was explaining his plan for the Best Family Video Ever, I was getting out phrases like...

"But Pop, this is fast and--"

"Really fast, Pop! I don't think--"

"The curves, you see, are quite--"

"It winds, Pop, centripetal force, and--"


No dice. The five-word limit was still in place.

So as we strapped ourselves into the car-- Dad in the center with the electronic steamer trunk hoisted onto his shoulder-- well, I admit, I felt a certain smug anticipation. I mean, I know why I didn't stop him, but why no one else gave it a shot, I really can't say.

Or why he didn't pay attention to the signs saying "Secure Your Belongings, This is a Super-fast Ride and YOU, Sir, Still Seem to be Holding Very Expensive Recording Equipment."

Some footage apparently is worth the risk.

So the ride began at a nice enough pace. We chugged up the hill, the Pop smiling benevolently at Mom and me with the glow of a cameraman destined for home movie greatness.

And then we got to the top and Pop's whole perspective on the matter shifted.

So did the video camera.

As we roared around the turn-- the sounds of Jethro Tull's Locomotive Breath seemed to come to my ears-- and the camera had decided it would prefer to bow to the forces of physics over the force of one very determined tourist from New Jersey.

It took a feat of astounding strength for my father to even retain his grip on the machine-- so fast were we clattering over the rails, around horseshoe bends, and s-curves, with animatronic buzzards fluttering in wait.

The Pop managed through sheer will alone to force the camera into a spot of relative stability back down into the car, onto his leg. The ride, two thrilling minutes for some-- two terrifying minutes of destruction and potential lawsuits for another-- slowed at the station, the engine letting out a steamy sigh of relief.

My father did, too. We exited and Pop rose, only to notice his upper thigh had taken on a brand new feature...

A Victorian steamer trunk-sized, camera-shaped bruise.

I used my five word allotment:

"Told you it was fast."

Pop didn't find it nearly as funny as I did.

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The Crabbiest Place on Earth

They call Disney "the happiest place on earth." And the story I'm about to tell you today takes place in Epcot. So maybe it doesn't have to be "happiest place on earth" like the Magic Kingdom does. Maybe it's:

• "The place of lines longer than the ones for TP during Cold War Soviet Union..."

• Or "Eat your way through the countries of the world" (how I DO love those countries!)

• Or "Get two minutes of seeing really cool dinosaurs, sandwiched in between twenty minutes of dry documentaries about natural resources sponsored by an oil company.

And if that's the case, then I won't feel so bad about what once happened there.

Now, I should preface this with: people who know me well, know I'm not really an aggressive person. I'm more the kind of person who gets punted aside by other people in line because:

1.) They didn't notice me standing there and
2.) Even if they did, I figure it's not worth raising my blood pressure fighting them about it.

I mean, I'm not a doormat-- I'm just practical. Plus, I can write about them later when they cannot deck me.

That said, I will tell you about the unfortunate time I completely and publicly snapped in the Family Amusement Park Where Dreams Come True.

It had been a conference for work. And one of my coworkers and good friends-- we'll call her Debbie-- Debbie and I had decided to save the company money on airfare by staying an extra day in Orlando at Disney.

Now, two things you need to know about Debbie. Debbie is a fantastic event planner-- she can organize ANYTHING. Why, she could herd 300 cats into a room and teach them a Broadway production, sell tickets and get glowing audience testimonials, all in the time it takes the pour the Meow Mix.

Debbie is also, um, not very tall. Like teeny. Like she says she's five-feet tall but then someone's pre-adolescent child leans on Debbie's head, is what I'm saying. I'm a giant, she's tiny. It's no wonder we've become such good friends.

'Kay. So Debbie and I finished our work gig and we were free for Epcotty goodness. So the one thing we decided to hit bright-and-early was the brand new GM Test Track ride. This is where people get into a makeshift car and willingly simulate being crash test dummies. This we do in the name of fun and vacation.

Debbie and I were excited about being those dummies.

The line, a sign indicated, would take about an hour, and since Debbie and I had successfully gotten through our work event, and were feeling mellow...

Until a certain family got behind us in line.

This family seemed to be comprised of a middle-aged woman, her mother, her husband, their two pre-teen kids and some extra woman who might have been an aunt. All of them were, well, large and shaped roughly like Sherman tanks. All of them wore tank shirts. But honestly, it wasn't the largeness that was of issue; I mean, people come in different shapes and sizes and that's what makes humans interesting. It was their unwillingness to recognize the boundaries of personal space...

Like I had one woman's boobs and stomach pressing into my back.

The line would move, Debbie and I would move up a bit and... Boobs in the Back.

I'd edge up, things would be fine for a moment and... Boobs in the Back again.

Then the line stopped when something in the ride glitched.

The family started to get bored and tired of standing. And that's when they discovered the fun that was the metal railings that guided the lines. Sitting on the metal railings, scooching along on their butts, swinging their dangling legs...

That was just the ADULTS.

Yep, Deb and I turned our heads, only to see at least three of 'em lined up, parents and a kid or two, butt-sliding along the high and low railings, a-kicking and a-swinging. (One woman had to stay behind to ensure her sweaty boobs were firmly implanted in my back.)

Fourty-five minutes this went on. Bumping, pushing, the kids jumping off and stepping onto our feet. And finally, there was the scooch that broke the camel's back, so to speak. The pre-teen girl butt-scooched too enthusiastically and fell off the railing-- toppling onto Debbie, knocking her right over...

Debbie, who was about the same size as the kid.

Well, that was it. I actually think I stepped outside of myself at this point. My eyes went red and Hulk-like. Words poured out of my mouth, but I didn't consciously feel like I was saying them. It was like I was listening to them coming from some outer overhead PA system. And this voice, this voice that was loud and angry and unnaturally mine shouted:

"YOU are the STRANGEST BUNCH OF PEOPLE I have ever seen! I have never SEEN such a family! There is such a thing called personal space and it is time for you to just

BACK

OFF!"

And they all stepped away from me.

And do I mean, all of them. The people in front of me gave me a wider berth.

The people to the side looked on with stunned faces.

And the family of Butt Scoochers, why, they all stood gaping and back a good three feet from where they'd been, boobs and bellies inhabiting their own airspace for the first time in almost an hour.

The little girl was dusting herself off and grumbled, "I SAID sorry."

Only Momma Butt Scoocher was open-mouthed and reaching a hand toward her to pull her away from me, the red-headed Medusa before them.

Debbie, at this point, was getting up and laughing hysterically. Because she had never in five years of knowing me seen me flip out like that. And neither had I. It felt good. It felt heady-- like a fresh ocean breeze to a person who'd been breathing the black oxygen of a coal mine all this time.

Until I heard the Butt Scoochers say something about calling Security... and I realized they were thinking about calling it on ME. For what? Oh, I don't know-- breaking a sound ordinance or something. Public embarrassment. Heck, they could SUE!

So they talked about me during the excruciatingly-long 15 minutes remaining in line, with security mentioned more than once to my burning ears.

And the whole rest of the day, I imagined being pulled aside by some friendly park employee in uniform, bringing me through some dwarf-sized door to explain I was no longer welcome in the Happiest Place on Earth.

Once we got through the Test Track, Debbie tried to get me to calm down by ordering me a Guinness with my fish and chips at the Rose and Crown pub in "England." And it helped, a little. But not really.

I mean, it was going to be a lot harder to plead my case to Mickey Mouse, wasn't it, if security brought me in all liquored up?

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