The Death Star...
The. Death. Star. ®
.
I'm pretty sure Darth Vader didn't brainstorm with anybody on naming ideas first. No consulting with marketing, or Emperor Palpatine, or even running it by Darkside Legal;
Because it
never would have gotten final approval.
See, anyone who's worked in business
knows how these things go-- particularly when there's a
committee involved.
This is how I see it:
Darth Vader is in his Dark Side Conference Room, in a swivel chair, and his right-hand men are taking notes on their Darkberries and Jed-iPhones.
In his icy, resonant voice, Darth Vader announces, "I HAVE CALLED YOU HERE TODAY BECAUSE I HAVE DECIDED; I WILL BUILD MYSELF A STAR. FROM SCRATCH-- NOT THAT FLAT-PACK, ASSEMBLE-IT-YOURSELF STUFF OR ANYTHING...
"AND IT WILL HAVE TRACTOR BEAMS, TO PULL IN AND CONTAIN ANY REBEL SCUM...
"AND INSIDE, IT WILL HAVE TRASH COMPACTORS, WITH SQUIDS IN THEM, TO SQUISH THE REBEL SCUM ONCE WE PULL THEM IN...
"AND IT WILL HAVE A POWERFUL RAY, TO BLOW UP THE REBEL SCUM'S HOME TOWNS, JUST BECAUSE WE ARE EVIL AND THAT IS OUR SCHTICK..."
"AND I WILL CALL THIS COSMIC COLOSSUS OF CHAOS... 'THE DEATH STAR.'"
There is silence in the room. A heavy pause. Then his Marketing Director raises a finger and says: "Are you completely sold on the name?"
"WHAT?" Darth Vader's visor steams up. "WHO ARE YOU TO QUESTION DARTH VADER? WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THIS? YOU DO NOT
LIKE 'THE DEATH STAR'? YOU DO NOT FEEL IT IS A NAME THAT WILL STRIKE FEAR INTO THE HEARTS OF OUR ENEMIES?"
The Marketing Director looks doubtful. "Going to be hard to trademark. I'll run it by Legal, but I can tell you right now they'll say it's too generically descriptive. Never fly."
Darth Vader pounds a fist on the table. "BUT 'THE DEATH STAR...' IT SAYS IT ALL. IT IS LIKE A STAR. AND PLUS-- YOU KNOW, THE
DEATH."
The Marketing Director shrugs, "Look, I don't make the rules. I'm just telling you how Legal goes..."
As the Marketing Director feels invisible fingers close around his throat, he squeaks out, "Er-- but hey, hey, what was that you said earlier: 'Cosmic Colossus of Chaos'?... That had a ring."
"No, no, too wordy," a few others chime in.
"Darthy's Black Planet o' Doom?"
"Nah..."
"Wait, I've got it!" exclaims the Marketing Director, a relieved smile stretching over his face. "Titanic!"
At this, Darth Vader rises from his chair. "IT IS THE DEATH STAR, AND THAT IS ALL I WANT TO HEAR ABOUT IT!... I CAN STILL CRUSH YOUR TRACHEA WITH MY MIND, YOU KNOW."
"Question," interrupts the HR Manager, motioning for Lord Vader's attention. "So you're going to be on this Death Star of yours all by yourself then?"
"NO," says Lord Vader, derision dripping from his voice. "I WILL HAVE MINIONS TO DO MY BIDDING. AND MARCH IN PERFECT SQUARES. AND BRING IN MY DRY CLEANING, BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, THIS ARMOR GETS A BIT RIPE AS IT DOES NOT BREATHE." He pauses. "WHY?"
"Well, it's just with a name like 'The Death Star', you won't be able to draw in any decent employees."
"WHAT?! FOOLISH CREATURE!" he booms. "OF COURSE I WILL! I AM LORD VADER! THE FORCE IS STRONG WITH ME!... AND ALSO, I HAVE AN ACCOUNT AT MONSTER.COM."
The HR Manager shakes his head and snickers. "Who's going to apply for a job at a place called 'The Death Star'?"
"WHAT? WELL," Darth sputters, "OTHERS WHO WISH TO JOIN ME IN MY DARK MISSION TO TAKE OVER THE--"
"It sounds like it doesn't offer benefits. Does it offer benefits?"
"THE BENEFIT IS THAT I LET THEM
LIVE."
"'Let 'em live'? Let 'em
live?! Use that recruiting technique and all we're going to get is a bunch of loonies and degenerates-- backstabbers destined to be more trouble than they're worth," explains the HR Manager.
He continues, "...You can't run a competitive Dark Side operation if you don't retain quality employees. The kind of people
you'll get without a comprehensive benefits package are desperate paranoids who'll either spend all of their time lasering each other, or terrified they'll turn up ten minutes late in the morning and have their tracheas crushed. They'll be completely unmotivated. We'll have to have a corporate psychologist just to handle it all."
"THEY WILL SUBMIT TO MY IRON HAND," Vader says.
"Then you won't have any employees left to do your Evil Bidding. Look, you've got to make the place have some appeal, some draw. 'The Death Star' isn't really going to cut it."
"How about 'House of Sith'?" suggests one exec around the table. "Sounds sexy and exclusive."
"Or 'Rebel Scum Elimination Services Inc.? RSES for short?" suggests another. "Efficient and techy."
"I know-- " cries the Marketing Director, "'Dark Side of the Moon'!"
"NO, NO,
NO!" shouts Vader. "IT IS 'THE DEATH STAR.' IT IS SIMPLE. IT IS CLEAR. IT IS TO THE POINT. WHY DO YOU PEOPLE INTERFERE SO?"
There is a moment of silence around the table.
Then the Marketing Director says, "You realize, you're going to have to get sign-off from Palpatine and the Sith Board of Directors for this first, don't you?"
"ER..." mumbles Vader. "YES... YES... I FORGOT ABOUT THAT."
"And you just
know how Palpatine loves to micromanage," the Marketing Director reminds him. "If you'll recall, Tie-Fighters were saucer-shaped before
he got a hold of them."
Vader sighs. "THOSE SAUCERS WERE SO SLEEK, SO STREAMLINED... AND LOOKED NOTHING LIKE MEN'S FASHION ACCESSORIES FOR A DARK SIDE 'BLOW UP THE PLANET' PARTY." He sinks into his chair.
The Marketing Director nods. "Right. We'll pull together a few alternate storyboards and tagline options for you, and get back to you. How's a week from Friday look for you?"
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