Purry Duty: Boston Cat Ordered to Serve as Juror

"You mean this isn't the jury box?"

So according to this article from the Telegraph newspaper, a Boston cat recently was called to do jury duty. It turns out "Tabby Sal" had been listed on the family's census submission, under Pets, but it appears that with today's anti-discrimination policies, our government is willing to take practically anyone able to serve. 

Thumbs are not a prerequisite.

Having received the summons, the feline's owner suggested that Tabby Sal's presence on the jury was possibly superfluous, given the prospective juror's "inability to speak and understand English." The article doesn't say whether this was enough to exempt the cat from his duties as an American citizen.

Now, my own kittens both do understand English, but they are not fluent, native speakers. 

As far as I can tell, their grasp of the language is pretty much limited to:

• Their own names
  
• "food" 
  
• "no" 
  
• "nice" 
  
• "no" 
  
• "good" 
  
• "no" 
  
• "stay" 
  
• "no" 
  
• "fer Pete's sake, Harry, what the hell are ya doin'?"
  
• "no" 
  
• "down" 
  
• "no" 
  
• "treat" and
  
• "not for kitties"
  

Also "no." But that particular word appears harder for their ears to register and process than words like "food" or "treat."

If these are, however, the words being used in an important court case, my furred friends Alice and Harry would probably be able to turn in a decent, honest verdict-- at least one as good as the average human-American who watches a lot of daytime television.

I mean, I figure most of us-- myself included-- can speak almost no Cat. So, being bilingual, the kittens are already our linguistic superiors. Plus, their day jobs consist mainly of self-employed in-home perimeter security patrol and REM processing. This makes their schedules flexible, so getting off work to participate in a trial isn't too difficult.

Only drawback would be for a lengthy trial. 

In which case, the jury box had just better have some litter in it.

The Cat that Wasn't

So driving home yesterday, along a narrow suburban road near my house, I came upon this yellow-orange fluffy form lying in the middle of street.

I initially THOUGHT a local feline had spent at least ONE of its lives-- and from the looks of things, it seemed to have shot the whole Life Wad in one go.

I like animals, so I slowed, saddened... the faint sounds of "Memory" playing in the distance.

Now, we’ve always had quite a few stray cats around:

• The black cat that likes to lie in the sun on my porch, which everyone thinks is mine but is just freelancing…

• The giant orange tabby that plays King of the Mountain on my garage roof, scaring the Cheez-its out of me when I look out the kitchen window…

• The skinny gray stripey cat with the surly expression, who carries brass knuckles and smokes Marlboros…

• The fat mangy calico with the bow legs, who could really hit it big with a supporting role in the next Harry Potter film…

I didn’t know this particular cat.

So I pulled carefully around the creature, because, you know, there are kids in the neighborhood and I sure didn’t want to be the person they saw giving a tire-massage to Mr. Fluffy.

Then I got a good look at the “corpse”…

It was a giant ball of tree pollen.

Okay, I am WELL AWARE that the amount of space my sinuses require of me is something comparable to Luray Caverns, and that there is far more room for them than Brain.

I also get regular sinus headaches that make Zeus giving birth to Athena by way of cranium seem like a pesky papercut...

So I know that this all could seriously affect my perceptions about the perils of allergy season.

But REALLY-- The pollen is organizing now? First it starts to replicate the family pets and, what, we’re next?

I don’t like it.

So this allergy season, I suggest you keep a close eye on Mittens. Give more than a cursory glance to Fido. Because when your favorite furry friend returns from the great outdoors, your beloved bow-wow... your finicky feline... might just turn out to be a giant mutant ragweed replicant in disguise.

Yup, they're getting seriously wily, these allergens...

And I figure, it's just better to be safe than stuffy.


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Humor-bloggers are 100% immune from allergies. How DO they do it?