Henry the Eighth for Kids: Count Along with Henry Tudor!

This was prompted by a Google search that came to my blog the other day. Someone was looking for "Henry the Eighth for Kids." Once I stopped snickering over the image of The Tudors filmed for a pre-school crowd--- ("you see, Timmy, when a King and his courtier love each other very, very much. Or, well, y'know, they dance together for five seconds at the Royal Ball and find they both don't have plans for afterwards...") --anyway, it really got my creative mind a-turning. So today I give you the Please-Don't-Read-This-To-Your-Children version of 'Henry the Eighth for Kids'":

Count Along with Henry Tudor!

Henry Tudor was a king, 
In England long ago
Seven Henrys ruled before
This Henry had his go.

Now, Henry Eight, he had six wives
Though not at the same time
For that, dear kids, is "bigamy"
With no place in this rhyme

So count to One and we will meet
Queen Catherine Aragon
She was the One who bore no son
So Henry said, "So long."

See, boys back then were very prized
But girls were not so blessed.
Today each child is loved the same.
(Still, Dad likes Junior best.)

So Catherine was sent away
And now we count to Two
It's Anne Boleyn, the courtesan
Who Henry sought to woo

This Anne, she had a daughter Liz
But still no bouncing boy
Two children now King Henry had
Yet no heir brought him joy

And in these days was no divorce
So Mommy stayed with Dad
And Dad with Mommy, even if
She had a new friend Chad.

So Henry said good-bye to Anne
In his medieval way
Without divorce, he saw no course.
She lost her head one day

The word "decapitation" means
"To leave without your cap."
Mention it to mommy once
When she asks you to nap.

No, nevermind-- let's move along
Quick now to Number Three
Jane Seymour stepped upon the stage
(Without Kay Jewelry).

Jane had the son of Henry's dreams
The apple of his eye
But birth was rough and times were tough
And Jane, she sadly died.

So let's count Four to Anne of Cleves
That's two queens now named Anne
Since this blind date won't turn out great
Annulment's Henry's plan

"Annulment" means to marry and
to say it doesn't count
Like "cooties, no takebacksies" does.
It gave the King an out.

This brings the count to Five, you see
Miss Howard-- Cathy Two.
But Henry learned the darkly news
That Cathy wasn't true

Our Henry was a little miffed
It was his pride, you see
So soon, as with dear Anne Boleyn,
Her wig flipped-- permanently

So here we come to number Six,
Last wife, and none too soon
This Catherine Parr she got so far
Outlived the Royal goon.

Three Cathys and Two Annes, he wed
And don't forget One Jane.
The moral? Keep above the Parr
When playing numbers games.


Steve Bailey said...

That is awesome...... and surprisingly informative... Loved it!

Deray said...

Jajajajajaja I couldn't help but picture the characters from "The Tudors" when I read it, jajajajaja.

Unknown said...

Steve- Heh, I like to mix it up a bit with the humor posts. :)

Deray- Me, too, honestly. It's the only way I've been able to keep them straight. It's not precisely historical, but the high points are largely correct.

ReformingGeek said...

Haha! Love it. A head here a head there, no problem. :)

Jaffer said...

Waaaaw ! You truly are a Medieval-English nerd.

My hat comes off for you Madam Thorson !

Janene said...

Wow! Decapitation doesn't sound nearly so bad when it's in a playful rhyme. Fun times, Jenn. Love it.

Anonymous said...

Tudor or not Tudor...that is the question!
This is very funny and informative. Hank
was quite a man with the hatchet and you have caught him in the ax. Forgive me! My best.

meleah rebeccah said...

friggen BRILLIANT!