The Land of Oz Mobile Phone Plan and Other Gadgets

The green, gruesome, disembodied head hovers over the palace room, shouting, "Who dares seek the Great and Powerful O--"

The booming voice breaks off. A synthesized version of Elton's "Goodbye Yellow Brick Road" tinkles from a small curtained booth to the side.

Suddenly the Green head flushes red around the cheeks. "Oh, hang on a second-- I've got to take this call..."

The head gets a thoughtful look. "Glinda? Yeah, babe, how's the bubble bouncing? What?... Well, yes, there is a kid here in blinged-out shoes. So you sent her, huh? What's the 4-11?"

This is what crossed my mind the other day. The Wizard of Oz might have been just some humbug from Omaha with a defunct hot air balloon. But he was clever enough to create an interactive 3-D holographic projector system with surround-sound-- way ahead of its time.

So wouldn't he have been able to cash-in on other clever time-saving gadgets?

In fact-- he did!

The O.Z.-Mobile system had coverage from Munchkinland all the way to Winkie Country, breaking up slightly in the Enchanted Forest, which is why the apple trees are so sour. They have to rely on the grapevine instead. Which is the pits.

O.Z.-Mobile also has a hands-free option which is ideal, not only for keeping in touch with Winged Monkey friends and their busy schedules, but it really cuts back on costly crystal ball minutes.

The Oz-Max theaters leverage Oz's unique patented Lev-i-Head Technology for evenings of family fun. All moving pictures are in technicolor. But soon, Oz plans to unveil a whole new way of watching pictures-- black and white. He feels it will really be a sensation-- like nothing the Ozites have ever seen before!

In the Emerald City Oz-Max, you can also take in a special midnight laser light show. Here, Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon is queued up to synchronize with a popular social documentary film, a story which follows a little illegal immigrant girl, and her challenges in Oz, given she has no proper Visa and commited manslaughter upon arrival.

And lastly, the Oz-Pod portable music improv system is a compact device that goes where-ever the brick road takes you. It offers special audio projector functions to provide appropriate background accompaniment the moment you feel the urge to break into an impromptu musical number. Sing lyrics on the fly like never before, all with perfect orchestration!

Whether you're killing time waiting for an Emerald City appointment...

Whether you're celebrating a new rust-free and heart-healthy aerobics routine...

Or whether you've finally gotten that stick out of your butt and now you don't care what anybody thinks...

The Oz-Pod offers the perfect complement to your musical self-expression!

And tomorrow?... Wonderland goes High Def!

(Or, um, okay, maybe not.)
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Somewhere Over the Giant Eagle Supermarket Salad Bar

It was a gray day. My coworkers were gray. My supervisors, gray. My clients were well into charcoal gray. My joy of life-- gray with a touch of blue. I paused in the middle of my workday to sing a song about how somewhere, over the optical illusion of the spectrum presented when sunlight refracts through moisture in the Earth's atmosphere, Sialia Currucoides flew.

My coworkers-- the unappreciative gray wretches-- hollered for me to "shaddyap already." So any therapy from the singing vanished.

And then, I dropped into the Giant Eagle supermarket to get some lunch, like always. A part of a gray routine. And as I stepped through into the Prepared Foods area, suddenly....

The sun shone through the building rafters (okay, that was just brighter overhead lighting, but still...)

And color appeared before my eyes in a zillion vibrant MGM Technicolor shades.

A small terrier ran to my feet-- how the heck did he get into the store, is that sanitary?-- and yellow floor tiles had sprung up. And from behind stacked boxes of fruit punch and souvenir Steelers' merchandise, very short employees stepped out to share, in song, their enthusiastic affiliations with various Food Guilds...

And that's when I saw it:

The Giant Eagle folks had installed an all-new salad bar!

Oh, it was beautiful... Magical! Wonderful! (Yes, I do need to get out more. I do, I do, I do, I do!)

But instead of dipping into semi-frozen vats in the dark forest of mystery veg, now, under the new golden lights, we could actually see whether we were getting pickled beets or spiced apples.

And a whole rainbow bounty awaited! Bright red tomatoes, deep orange carrots, Greek salads, fresh fruit, and different kinds of lettuces and-- sugar snap peas! Me, the queen of French fries and gravy, got excited about sugar snap peas. Then I spied the chilled asparagus and-- oh, I just had to try some of that, too.

My heart soared! In pulling together a conveniently-located to-go box without having to trudge back and forth in an unnatural flow, I poured out my joy of fresh food and user-friendly organizational structure into an impromptu musical number:

"Boxes here... lettuce there....
And a couple of tra-la-lars!
That's how we dine the day away
With the merry new salad bar!"

But then-- a booming voice over the PA system shouted: "You there, in Aisle One! Who goes there?"

I looked around, frightened. Me?

I called out, "Why, I'm a lowly office employee, sir, insignificant and meek-- looking for an artichoke heart, a little brain food, and some cabbage. Just to tide me over until I can get home, of course."

The voice echoed, "Well, will you PLEASE. STOP. SINGING?! It seems to be interfering with the UPC scanning system."

"Oh," I muttered. "Sorry."

Still, I can't wait to go back there today. The sequel's never quite as good as the original, mind you. But the scallions and 'taters and pears-- oh my!

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