TV commercial mascots everywhere are banding together for an increasingly common problem in their field-- a lack of individualism and personal lives.
Normally, the annual "Television Product Mascot Union Meeting and Expo" brings with it sessions such as:
- Shout About It: The Pros and Cons of Screaming Messaging Until You're Hoarse
- How Much Repetition Is Too Much How Much Repetition Is Too Much How Much Repetition is Too Much
- And What To Do When Consumers Love Your Products, But Loathe You
But at the organization's 2009 show, themed "Can You Hear Us Now?," things took an unexpectedly heated tone.
It began with the opening speech, where the well-known "Can You Hear Me Now?" rep for Verizon Wireless revealed that he was simply called, "Test Man" by the marketing execs who created him.
And that that lack of personal identity-- while good for the brand-- was deeply affecting his social life."Yes, it's true. I do feel inner pain when I receive mail to my home reading only 'Test Man.' I think I might have made a terrific 'Steve.' Or maybe a 'Doug.' But in the annals of history, I am only 'Test Man,' defined solely by my job for Verizon.
"What if I finally pop the question to the red-headed cutie of Glade Scented Candles? What will she be? Mrs. Test Man? Will we be the Glade-Testmans? These are important issues to resolve this conference."
Another mascot speaking out about these concerns is television's beloved GEICO Gecko.
"Yes, I've no name beyond 'GEICO Gecko.' I mean, sure, gents have speculated I might be Gary. And I do rather like Gordon... Gordon Gecko-- it has a nice ring, yeah? Aside from that bloke in that movie, Wall Street.
"But I think it's time the world saw I have interests beyond GEICO. I mean, it's very single-minded to think that all I care about is affordable insurance all day, every day. For instance, I'm learning the acoustic guitar.... I enjoy Karaoke Saturdays down the pub...
"It's said I do a fine rendition of 'Mandy.'
"That's not to say I dislike my job. The people are nice. The hours are good. And it keeps me in crisps. All I ask is that you shout, 'Oi, Gordon!" if you see me on the street, would you? I'd really fancy that."
In the past, commercial mascots have not only had names, but elaborate storylines running around their product-centric exploits.
Like Mr. Whipple, TP-obsessed supporter of Charmin Bath Tissue...
Rosie, the Bounty Lady, who knew the power of a quicker-picker-upper paper towel...
And Madge, the Palmolive manicurist, who's love of soft hands made the dishwashing soap famous.
"But, like, in recent years, it seems marketing execs have totally have dispensed with names," explained the Dell Dude, who is now working at the In and Out Burger Drive-Thru Window since getting out of rehab last year.
"Now we have those Charmin Bears doing the cha-cha thing and pooping in the woods. Does anyone know their names? Like, does anyone care? The world has changed, man. It's a total bummer."
Meanwhile, marketing executives from top advertising firms are livid about the perceived "mutiny" of their spokescharacters.
Said Chad Tatthawker from UltraMegaMondoMedia:
"This is an astounding betrayal. We gave them life. We made them what they are today. And now they want more.
"Well, let's just see how far they get without writers and producers and animators bringing them to life in 30-second to two-minutes spots. Let's just see who needs who here...
"Whom...
"Is it 'who' or 'whom'? Ah, hardly matters... I'm in television."
The "Television Product Mascot Union Meeting and Expo" will be running Monday, April 13th-Friday, April 18th.
---------------------------------------
Humorbloggers
Humor-blogs
