Bill Cosby gave me a dog this week. Well, not ME specifically. ("Cos" and I don't chat that much, though I am very pro-pudding.) No, I meant Carnegie Mellon University and alumni like me.I hadn't known we needed one.
But The Cos assures us it's just what we've been missing all along. So the Scottish terrier-- which will make its grand entrance next September-- will become the University's first live mascot. Mr. Cosby feels "the dog raises one's self esteem."
Imagine that? All those years ago in college, when I was suffering from sleep-deprivation, and no money, and a deep over-achiever's fear of failing "Stats for Poets" and ruining my entire life, I would have felt better about myself, if I'd just hung out with more creatures who drank out of the toilet.
Well, "live and learn," I always say.
The dog's costume, I understand, is being unveiled during this Spring Carnival. And-- because of founder Andrew Carnegie's Scottish heritage-- I'm imagining it will be something on the plaid and kilt side...
If so, I hope there's a mini-bagpipe involved.
But given the school's unique "technology plus the arts" balance, I think I could also be happy seeing him in:
- A tiny space suit with a helmet shaped like a beret...
- Wee business attire complete with power tie and a pocket protector filled with pens and paintbrushes...
- And MY personal fav-- Electronic gear which can transform the mascot from a dog, to a robot, to an avant garde art installation piece
What? You don't see the possibilities of this?
Let me explain. Scotties have sharp little teeth and aren't afraid to use them. Believe me, I know. My next door neighbor had a 17-year-old Scottie named Ulysses who was completely blind and stone deaf. But you pet him, and he would sink that row of razor blades into your hand like the mother alien in that Sigourney Weaver film. No hesitation.
So I think the new sports team logo should depict a Scottie biting an opponent's leg, preferably right around the Achilles tendon to show we really mean business.
Plus, we'll have the only mascot who will bark with a brogue. This is perfect, because no one will be able to understand what the Scottie's saying on the field. He can trash-talk the other team and get away with absolute murder! And the best part is, there won't be a single thing the referees can do about it. We'll just cite cultural differences.
There may be a down side to this, however. Somehow I suspect the next time my home phone rings, I'm going to be asked to give donations to... oh... the new "Carnegie Kibble Fund for Underprivileged Scottish-American Canines." Or the "Angus MacBark Obedience School Scholarship Drive."
And though I'd like our new mascot to have the quality-of-life and education he needs, most of us have only recently paid off our student loans. It's dog-eat-dog out there in today's economy.
Personally, I'd always wanted a pony.
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You know, no one makes the mascot kitten of Humor-blogs wear little outfits.
