Warning: May Cause Deadly Death

Imperfect skin? Or a deadly, painful, lung-rattling, wasting-away sort of Dickensian respiratory infection?

Looks like the marketing folks for one pharma product are hoping you'll choose that flawless, psoriasis-free complexion... y'know, while you cough up a lung onto the Bed-in-a-Bag and get last rites.

I saw the commercial for this psoriasis pill the other night while eating dinner. And it was the commercial's prominently-noted side-effect of tuberculosis that made me look up from my potpie.

Tuberculosis, fer Pete's sake!...

The big infection of historic novel and movie melodrama! Where a tragic supporting character bravely wastes away into nothingness. (Usually along with a nice gut-quaking, relentless cough and a possible Oscar nod.)

Now who wouldn't want that?

The commercial itself shows people removing their jackets to show their cheery liberation from the itching and scaling associated with the life-affecting skin condition.

Meanwhile, we hear a list of possible side effects that would make biochemical terrorists back away and say, "Geez, guys-- overkill much?"

Yup-- side effects like, oh... our buddy tuberculosis... plus skin cancers and lymphomas... allergic skin reactions... swelling and difficulty breathing... numbness... vision problems... a fever that doesn't go away... new or worsening heart failure... and a rash on the face and arms.

Now, let's think about this. You wear a lot of layers because you're embarrassed for people to see your skin.

So you take a pill to clear up the psoriasis and now, you not only have a risk of new, potentially death-flirty ailments...

But you also get three exciting different possibilities for marring the skin you're trying to clear up in the first place? Wow, sign me up!

Of course, this is nothing new, is it? I mean, how many products do we see out there that are designed to treat... oh... allergy symptoms. But the side effects cause sinus infections, nasal congestion and spontaneous combustion of the upper noggin region?

Or cholesterol products that make your heart jetpack for safer locales?

Or irritable bowel calmer-downers that cause violent stomach cramps, public contorionism and uncontrolled miming?

What I want to know is why the side effects are always so dreadful. I mean, just once I'd like, say, my blood pressure medication to have side effects like:

WARNING: May cause strong electro-static charge that draws in $100 bills

Or:

WARNING: May cause patients in service industry to radiate pheremones causing unnatural client aquiescence and mirth.

How about:

CAUTION: Use of this product may cause you to look totally rockin' for your 20th high school reunion

Or even:

WARNING: Patients may experience sudden understanding of what's going on in Heroes this season.

Something like that, I think I could get behind. I mean, it'd be good for us, the consumers, and it'd be a big seller for the pharma companies, too. Win-win!

In the meantime, though, I guess I'll just keep taking the ol' blood pressure meds as is. At least they don't cause TB.... Though, they do say they may cause baldness and finger-numbness in some patients.

But, hey, who actually sees a blogger, anyway? Hair is so totally over-rated! And my typing is still really accurtyuihnjkjkklfsdfdsds

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Ten Things I Just Don't Understand

Okay, well, there are a LOT of things I don't understand. In fact, I spend much of the time lost, confused and drooling. But some things cross my mind more often than others. And I thought I'd share just a few of those today...


1.) Short-sleeved pullover sweaters.
Why do we need sweaters with short sleeves? You want to be warm, but only a little warm.... Your torso gets chilly, but your arms drip with sweat.... If this is the case, you don't need a sweater, my friend. You need to see your favorite health care professional and discuss this with them. And please do it-- do it NOW.


2.) People who call and ask, "Guess where I am?"
I saw this most recently at a Greek food festival, and given that there was loud bouzouki music playing, the recipient of the call had only two logical responses...

One being "the Greek festival," and the other being "trapped inside Monty Python's Cheese Shop Sketch."

And why do friends and family call us, but make us guess? Usually it's because they're somewhere they think we'd want to be, but aren't. "Guess where I am? I'm calling you from beside the pool!"

My parents "guess-where'd" me once to tell me they were in Disney World, which I love. Nobody ever "guess-where's" and tells you they're being audited by the IRS, or just broke something in Aisle 3 of Wal-Mart.

And to think these are the people who supposedly like us.


3.) One shoe on the side of the road.
We've all seen it. You're driving and there it is... one shoe just sitting there on the berm of the highway. What situation leads to this? If it falls out of someone's bag, how come the second shoe never, ever falls with it? Or other items? Where is the second shoe?


4.) How many Land Before Time cartoons will be made before a meteor impact?
I think they're up to at least 20 or 30 of these movies now. How long do these dinosaurs get to continue on before Cera and the gang finally become oil? Just askin'. Anyway, even as they're being pumped from the earth's crust and on their way to being refined, I'm sure they'll SING about it.


5.) Hemingway's "Hills Like White Elephants."
Okay, so I'm going literary here, but we read this several times in college, where it was held up as one of the finest short stories ever. Me, I feel bad even saying this, but I just never could get into it. There was so much that seemed so vague and open to interpretation that I always felt I was being conned. That this was some great practical joke devised intentionally by ol' Ernie to keep us guessing.

Also, I made the mistake of telling one professor, in a moment of utter frustration and inappropriate candor, that if I wanted to read something that was minimalist and mainly dialogue, I would read one of the Gregory MacDonald "Fletch" novels...

Um... I didn't get an 'A' in that class.


6.) Medications where the side effects are worse than the original ailment.
I know people have talked about this before. But really-- you have allergies. So you take a medication with a side-effect of "brain hemorrhages" and "blister-like pustules." PLUS, the possibility of nosebleed, sinus congestion and sore throat.

Er... If you had allergies, you probably already had the nosebleed, sinus congestion and a sore throat.

And NOW, WITH the medicine, you might also look like a zombie from House of the Dead 4. So, you know, that's something to look forward to, right?


7.) When Exactly Word Verifications Ceased to Look Like the Alphabet.
You know what I'm talking about-- those letters some websites require you to enter to prove that you're not a robot?

Well, is it me, or are those letters getting more and more distorted? It's like trying to read newsprint on Silly Putty in a Funhouse Mirror. Why is this happening? Are internet robots Hooked on Phonics now? Have they been hanging on Elmo's every word? Or do I just need a new contact lens prescription?


8.) When I turn the car alarm on and my car honks, I honk back at it.
I know, I am a total freak. But when I turn my car alarm on, and it says, "Hoot!" more often than not, I 'hoot' in response. What is wrong with me? Why do I do that? The only thing I can think is it's genetic. My mother used to make sounds at trains as they went by. She also mooed at cows. It makes no sense, but there ya go. I blame Mom.


9.) Sit-down restaurants where you have to order before you sit-down. Fuddrucker's is one of these. Hoss's and Ponderosa, too. They're not quite fast-food restaurants, and they have a menu up on the wall with every different dish in the world on it. But you have to decide what you want in 30 seconds in a narrow hallway, with a line of large, ravenous, better-prepared diners barreling down on you.

I don't work well in these situations. I become overcome by Acute Menu Panic. I'm not familiar with the selections, I don't know what I want, and even if I do know what I want, I forget it the moment I no longer can see the billboard-sized menu looming over my head. How has everybody else but me found their favorite meal there if they never spent more than 30 seconds looking at the menu? It's too much pressure!


10.) When Actor Ed Norton Suddenly Became Edward Norton
I'm almost certain, when he first started acting, Edward Norton was referred to as "Ed." Because I recall thinking at the time, "Wasn't that the name of the character on The Honeymooners?" Does anyone else remember this?

Because somewhere along the way, I believe he became "Edward." "Edward," a serious actor and sometimes bad-guy. Edward Norton, the Incredible Hulk. When did this happen? Surely he didn't get well into his career and realize he was named for a popular 50s sitcom character. This couldn't have been a SURPRISE to him. But alas.

So where will he be in another 5, 10, 20 years? I'm thinking Edward J. Bartholomew Norton III-- Esquire, and he'll be doing ads for reverse mortgages or pharmaceuticals. But that's just a guess.

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Well, gotta go. I'm off to run some errands and hoot at my car.

I hope you all had great Memorial Day and are enjoying the week so far.


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I hear Edward J. Bartholomew Norton III, Esq. eats at Fuddruckers while wearing short sleeved sweaters and surfing Humor-blogs on his PDA.