Questions I Have About the Movie Aliens That I Didn't Have the First Time Around

Did you ever watch a program or film and think, "Yowza! That was great!"...

(Or perhaps without the "yowza"-- your choice, really)...

And then years later, you see that same film or program again and you think, "Was I suffering from the after-effects of some some sort of head impact at the time? Was this when I had my wisdom teeth out and I was on serious meds? What was wrong with me?"

I had this kind of experience in re-watching "Aliens," with Sigourney Weaver last week.

Now, don't get me wrong-- it's still exciting. It's still tense. It's still funny in the right spots. And yes, it does involve more Bill Paxton in whiny toddler mode than I needed-- but that's not so much the issue.

It's just, there are some critical questions I wonder why I never asked the first time around. It'd be like meeting RuPaul at a party, not knowing who RuPaul was, and thinking, "Wow, that lady really knows how to apply make-up," and then moving on to the spinach dip.

(Not that RuPaul doesn't really know how to apply make-up-- well, I mean, maybe RuPaul has a make-up artist now, I don't know. But that's not the point and...)

Where was I? Oh right. Here:

Questions I Now Have About Aliens That I Didn't Have the First Time Around:

• Why do the Aliens have a lifecycle even more complex than the path through your average IKEA store?
  

Indulge me on this-- The queen lays eggs. So the eggs can become face-hugging lobsters. So the face-hugging lobsters can make themselves comfy in the upper GI tracts of the entire army. So the army can gestate small alien lizard-things which, if they eat their spinach-- or, you know, Paul Reiser-- they grow up to become well-adjusted adult aliens.

See, the problem I have with this is, any part of this chain of events is destined to fail. Especially in space. On starships. With limited People Num-nums for when they get the munchies.

I mean, if the eggs become face-hugging lobsters and there's no army to nest in-- Well, where are ya? Or, say, the army bursts open with lizard-things and there's no Paul Reiser to nosh on? Again-- there goes the race.

It's too convoluted. I've seen people get health insurance reimbursements that take fewer steps than this. We're talking a race of beings that have supposedly survived hundreds of thousands of years. How'd they ever make it to Alien Resurrection, is what I want to know? Luck! Pure luck.

• How can acidic blood-- which eats through metal floors and armor-- not at least give the Aliens a serious case of acid reflux?

Alien blood is so acidic, it can eat through steel floors, metal doors, space suits and even the food at Old Country Buffet. But this apparently does nothing to the Aliens themselves. Wouldn't they belch fire occasionally? Wouldn't they be carrying around some family size Malox? And, you know, dentists are all about tooth erosion these days. How are those double-set of jaws not eroded down to little stubs?

Okay, so we allow the idea that the Aliens' bodies shield them somehow from the effects of their own acid. Well, then why aren't we taking the exoskeletons of every dead Alien we can find and making them into protective gear? Why aren't we sewing ourselves some nifty new Alien duds? Ripley, take some tips here. Exoskeleton ponchos are all the rage in intergalactic fashion. You need one.

• How can an entire space colony be out of contact for 20 years and no one get worried about their Aunt Alice?

The government doesn't seem to be overly worried that a space colony hasn't been heard from for, like, 20 years. Ripley mentions this, and everyone pooh-poohs her concerns. Then, Ripley walks around in her Hanes Her Way some more for a scene or so, and suddenly, it's of ultimate importance she and a Rag-Tag Team of Properly Gender- and Racially-Balanced Troops go check on these folks. So my question is-- where was the concern 20 years ago? No one thought, "Hey, you know, I haven't heard from Aunt Alice on the colony in a while. Maybe I should call and ask how she's doing with those orchids from Betlegeuse I'd sent her."

Just sayin'.

• What do the Aliens do in-between eating the various army troops and colonies? Do they have any hobbies?
  

It's been 20 years between the colony of humans getting wiped out, and the new batch of Soldier Munchies arrives. So what have the Aliens been doing all this time to occupy themselves? Snacking is, apparently, out. How do Aliens entertain themselves? Do they have all-night discos? Do the face-huggers just work out a lot, trying to keep limber with push-ups and tail curls? Do they put on plays, like "Little Ship of Horrors" or "Ripley Get Your Gun"? Do they tell stories around the steam grates? I'd like to know.

Otherwise it's got to be a case of, "In space, no one can hear you snore."


Well, folks, those are my big questions about the film Aliens. As always, I'd be happy to hear any of your wisdom, theories, questions, and general chit-chat. Was there a movie YOU saw once, enjoyed immensely and then questioned the second time around? Do tell!

Otherwise, until next time-- in the wise words of Mr. Paxton: "Game over, man."

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