Thanksgiving: food... Fellowship... 30 people crammed into a dining room the size of a shoebox, half of them with food allergies, though none of them the exact same ones...The potential for someone swelling up bigger than the Macy's Day Garfield balloon adds that extra layer of thanks onto the festivities when no one actually snuffs it.
And at every family get-together, there's always that one person who makes a real statement. Like Uncle Joey who brings a case of beer he drinks himself all before half-time and then begins to regale everyone with the history of the combustion engine.
Or Aunt Clara who isn't speaking to Aunt Betty since the Chestnut Stuffing Schism of 1987.
Or Grandpa Hinky who won't wear his hearing aid and needs the TV volume turned up to 11.
But this year.... this year, the colorful family member no one could possibly forget can be you... Simply follow these helpful tips!
- You know all those handmade Christmas sweaters family have given you over the years? Wear them. All of them. At once. Shed them one at a time every fifteen minutes for a special surprise each time.
- Recreate the Thanksgiving of your youth. Enter, wearing a snow suit with mitten clips and carrying the toy of your choice. Sit at a table separate from everyone else on a step-stool. Insist someone has to cut your meat. Whine you're bored until people try to coerce you into playing one of those games Grandma has but no one really likes, like Pit, Parcheesi or Yahtzee.
- Pretend you're actually attending the family's annual Easter dinner. Come in an Easter bonnet (gender irrelevant here). Ask when the egg hunt will begin, and distribute chocolate rabbits with the ears pre-bitten off.
- Transform Thanksgiving into a Snuggie party. Give pre-Christmas Snuggies in a variety of designer colors and patterns to everyone in attendance and insist they wear them. Take photos and post them to your blog and YouTube.
- Wear novelty teeth to the event. See how long it takes for someone to notice you're wearing them. Then see how long it takes before someone says anything to you about it.
- Call everyone by a different nickname-- like Skippy, Buster, Rutabega and Tall-Stuff. Or just call everyone by the same nickname. I suggest Humperdinck.
- Answer anything anyone addresses to you with a question. See how long you can hold out. If attending the event with immediate family, ask them to play along for points.
- Develop a new phobia, like of the color green. Run shrieking from anyone or anything in that color, shielding your eyes.
- Eat all of Thanksgiving dinner with a spoon only.
- Turn your Thanksgiving into a musical event. Instead of speaking to your relatives, why not sing out, sing proud? Work up some impromptu dance moves to accompany it, and encourage everyone to join in. Bring an iPod and speakers for musical accompaniment. Don't let anyone leave before the big finish-- the 20-minute version of Arlo Guthrie's Alice's Restaurant.
- Shake hands and hug everyone-- then begin coughing and mention how your doctor had begged you not to attend, but hey, the H1N1 results aren't back yet and Thanksgiving wouldn't wait. Tell 'em that's how much you love your wonderful family.
We at Of Cabbages and Kings hope these fresh ideas for Thanksgiving festivities bring a special bright spot to your holiday get-togethers this year!
DISCLAIMER: Of Cabbages and Kings is not responsible for any institutionalizations, competency hearings, divorces, loss of child custody rights, death by improper food inhalation, heat exhaustion due to sweater excess, or tryptophan coma as a result of these suggestions.
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