No time to take vacation this year? Me neither. But does it have to get us down? NO!
And that’s because I have pulled together some ideal (absolutely absurd)...
And sure-fire (wholly untested)...
...Alternate Vacation ideas that will have you feeling like you went to a five-star resort (okay, Motel 3 ½ by the Interstate)...
For three glorious, pampering weeks (no AC, but the bullet holes in the walls help get a bit of a cross-breeze)...
Disclaimer: The author of this blog is not responsible for the results you may or may not have in actually implementing anything discussed in this list, or in how your neighbors treat you after said ideas are employed. This blog also is not responsible for any bail costs or public citations incurred related to these helpful tips. Thank you.
Welcome to your Alter-Cation!:
- Turn your house or apartment into a mini-putt-putt course, just like they have at the shore! Finally put that dusty exercise equipment to use as challenging holes of mini-golf. Transform it from treadmill to windmill, and savor the challenge of rolling that ball down a moving walkway at up to 50 mph! Need a sandtrap? Why, you might already have one in the house: your furry friend Mr. Meow won’t mind-- much. But beware of the water traps! You may just need to call Roto-rooter if you actually DO get a hole in one. Because once that ball gets wedged in, well, your average plunger just isn’t gonna do it. Your personal mini-golf course will make every day after a long day of work feel just a little bit more like a holiday.
- Borrow photos from other people’s vacation trips and Photoshop yourself into them. Then make a Powerpoint presentation and run a new location each evening. Plant "souvenirs" around the room (purchased earlier at Pier One) to haggle for based on that night's theme. Make sure you charge yourself at least 500% more than you paid for the item. And don't forget to send yourself postcards to let you know how much you're enjoying yourself!
- Host your own Mardi Gras parade. This requires some planning, but is very much worth the effort. Make papier mache figures of jesters, kings, queens and crocodiles and position them along your driveway, linked together on child’s wagons. You could also use pre-made pinatas, or your kids' larger stuffed animals. Get all of your family friends to stand along side the driveway and beg for beads. (Not Grandma, though-- just give her the beads. No one wants to see that.) Get the neighbors involved, too. Show them how fun Mardi Gras can be. The lady down the street who gardens in that spandex catsuit-- she'll be all for it. Get the local kids involved to sell Kool-Aid Hurricanes from their lemonade stand.
- Go to Not-Hawaii. Put your kids' earth science knowledge to good use by resurrecting that volcano experiment in the garage. Eat nothing but Spam sandwiches and pineapple rings for a week. Play Don Ho's "Tiny Bubbles" on a loop, for background atmosphere.
- Create your own fishing lodge! Drag a simple kiddie pool into your livingroom and fill it with cold water... Add several boxes of frozen fish sticks, looped with rope or ribbons... And cast away, my friends! Once you get that big catch, pop the fish sticks in the oven according to directions on the package and serve. The fish you catch yourself always taste so much better, doesn't it?
- Transform your abode into the Vegas strip. Card games abound. Or, if you aren't savvy on games like poker and blackjack, use what you have on hand for new, creative Vegas gaming stations. Think Old Maid where the Maids are Wild. Sudden Death Monopoly. Buckaroo racing. Hungry Hungry Hippo or Connect 4 Slots. You're limited only by your imagination. And what about the shows, and fine dining? Encourage family and friends to put on comedy skits or showcase their dancing and karaoke skills. Use those refrigerator leftovers for scrumptious all-you-can-eat buffets! What, that taco meat's been around for three weeks already? No problem-- a little food poisoning is all a part of the Vegas adventure.
See? It's that easy to get away without ever leaving your home. I hope these tips will find you feeling more relaxed in no time!
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