I found my first gray hair today. It shines, silvery and sly among the red and the roots. And since I’d been crafting with glitter lately, I initially thought it was just some adventurous sparkles who’d taken a Manifest Destiny view of my person. Like those times where multiple skin-scouring showers still somehow don’t remove Paint-on-the-Elbow.
But it wasn’t adventurous sparkles. It was built-in.
I’d been expecting this for a while, admittedly. I mean, it’s not like I’m really all that young anymore, just incredibly, irretrievably childish. And my mother had some grays in her thirties, too.
So today, I give you “Top Ten Reasons Why This Gray Hair is Wicked Cool.” Because I am an optimist (read: delusional) and it’s no fun living in delusion... er, optimism... all by yourself.
So here goes--
1.) It’s the start of a rock-chick streak like Bonnie Rait has. Or Rogue of the X-men. And if it’s the latter, does it come with super powers? Because, you know, I’ve been wanting THOSE since I was about five.A little gray hair, I can live with.
2.) When I’m entirely gray, it will be so much easier to go from there to platinum blonde. Then I can begin my life-long dream of being a fifth-rate Marilyn Monroe impersonator in Vegas. I mean, I can sing, “Happy birthday” off-key, I’m already in need of losing some pounds, and have some fake diamond jewelry which, while not my best friend, is at least a mild acquaintance. Seen at a distance by seriously drunk people, I might just have a future.
3.) I can call it my Lucky Gray, and bring it with me to Bingo to increase my odds of winning. Okay, so I don’t currently PLAY Bingo. But this gives me a reason to start.
4.) I can point to it in stores in an attempt to get Senior Citizen discounts. Think of the SAVINGS!
5.) With age comes wisdom. So I am one step closer to being wise. All-knowing. Yoda, even. (No wait, that would be gray and mostly bald. And green. Nevermind. "Like this plan, I do not.")
6.) It is not actually a gray from aging. It’s from fear of an incident in my past so terrifying my mind blocked it out. And in order to learn what it is, I must go on a quest to reveal the exciting details. The book sales and movie rights alone will pay for retirement.
7.) I can pluck it out and knit it into a sweater for extra glitter. Once I learn to knit.
8.) I can sell it on Ebay claiming Britney Spears is aging before her time.
9.) Now I can write deep, dark poetry in angst of fleeting time and fading youth, like the Romantic poets Byron, Keats, Coleridge and Shelley. And look how that worked for them. Sure, they all died by the time they were 30, but a good angst goes a long way to cool in some circles.
10.) I should take consolation in that, while I may be going gray, at least I haven't been forever immortalized in photographs posing in a silver foil hula skirt like the gals up top...
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Humor keeps you young. The folks at Humor-blogs swear they're still all natural blondes, brunettes and redheads.
