Back-up Girl Takes On Captain Anonymous

"Back-up Girl."

Filling in, at the speed of light, for those originally hired to do certain tasks but who decide they don't actually, really, ever want to do them... but still kinda sorta would like to continue being paid for said tasks, and also get the credit for their success.

That's when she gets called in on the Red Phone.

Back-up Girl is silent, ever-vigilant, invisible-- and has a certain amount of inner-rage.

Yes-- I am Back-up Girl . (Shhh, don't tell anybody.)

As a result, Back-up Girl has had a very interesting array of projects under her utility belt during her lengthy trouble-shooting career-- many of which go well-beyond simple marketing writing.

Today, I will tell you about one such project, which happened a number of years ago. Names have been changed to protect the innocent. (Namely me.) Because Back-up Girl believes in the powers of loyalty, confidentiality... and, you know, a regular paycheck.

We begin our story in the city of BurghTown. A local company, RandomCorp, is about to create a whole new marketing brand. And Back-up Girl has been called in to survey the firm's internal staff.

Her mission? To solicit honest employee opinions about the company’s current marketing efforts.

This is to be done through an easy-to-use online survey, where employees share their feelings and ideas anonymously, in a secure environment.

That way if anyone wants to say, "I think our marketing blows chunks," Back-up Girl is armed with invaluable data ("chunk-blowing marketing"). And the good people of RandomCorp get to retain their jobs.

Harmony reigns in BurghTown.

The survey takes place, the people of BurghTown offer their insights and then, one day, the Red Phone rings. Back-up Girl picks it up.

"Hello-- Back-up Girl here! What seems to be the trouble?"

"Hi, this is Mr. Blank, of RandomCorp." Back-up Girl recognizes the name instantly as the key contact for her client firm.

And that's when Mr. Blank says this real and 100% for-true sentence:

"I need you to give me the names of all the people who filled out the anonymous survey."

OOOF!!

Back-up Girl is hit with an enormous unexpected blow! Recovering her breath, she grounds herself. "Mr. Blank, I'm afraid we hadn’t set the system up to collect that information. Since, you know, the survey was anonymous."

"Oh, okay," Mr. Blank continues, wholly unfazed. "Then just give me their e-mail addresses. We can figure out their names from those."

POW! ZAM! BIF!

Back-up Girl is tossed across the room, her head spinning.

She leaps to her feet. She takes several more deep breaths. And she picks up the Red Phone once more.

"Mr. Blank, I don't know how to tell you this, but the system you approved wasn't programmed to capture that data, either. As it was… you know… an anonymous survey."

Mr. Blank goes silent with confusion.

Back-up Girl perseveres. "The anonymous survey was anonymous so your colleagues would feel comfortable sharing their opinions and so you would get honest answers. If you knew who they were, then the survey wouldn't be anonymous anymore. It would be... er... Nonymous."

"Oh." Mr. Blank considers this a moment. "Well, I just think there are a number of people who didn't respond to the survey. And we want to get as many people as possible. So I need to know who's missing and remind them."

So Back-up Girl assures him she would send a second blanket e-mail to everyone at RandomCorp telling them the deadline for the survey would be extended. That would get the maximum number of respondents.

Mr. Blank was saved!

But wait! Something is now in Back-up Girl's email Inbox!

Why, it's many of the fine people of RandomCorp. And one after one, they wonder why they’re being asked to fill out this anonymous survey now-- again-- when they already had submitted it.

Did Back-up Girl not receive their anonymous survey?

Shouldn't Back-up Girl make sure she checked their name off The List…? Off the List of the Non-names of the People Who Filled Out the Survey Anonymously?

Back-up Girl grabs the bottle of Excedrin from her desk and chews two tablets thoughtfully. Captain Anonymous has been an admirable foe...

And she surely hasn't seen the last of him.

--------------------------------------------------------------------
Back-up Girl says people who vote for Of Cabbages and Kings at Humor-blogs are super.

Emoticonics Anonymous: A Five-and-a-Quarter Step Program

Since I've been posting regularly on a few forums I've come to realize that...

(sniff)

...I am an Emoticonic. :(

I am addicted to using the little semi-colon and closed-parenthesis symbol willy-nilly online to convey "I am joking here, friends."

As a result, I subject my fellow posters to rivers of smiley-faces dripping down their screen.

I can't help myself. :( It's just when posting, I become concerned that no amount of editing will ensure everyone gets the joke. I worry about angry mobs, villagers with torches pounding down my virtual door, all for the case of a misunderstanding or a casual opinion they might disagree with. :(

And in the stress of it-- I find myself reaching for that semi-colon or colon...

The parens are only a short slide from there. :(

And I know I'm not alone. Heck, hundreds... thousands... maybe even hundreds of thousands of people out there in cyberspace abuse emoticons every day. So how can we put an end to it?

Well, now there's Emoticonics Anonymous, :) the support group designed specifically to gently assist people with Emoticon Addiction and guide us along the path to reducing-- and eventually ending-- the unnecessary addition of smileys, frownies and surprised faces.

The program has easy, step-by-step instructions, that allow Emoticonics to live happier, more emoticon-free lives, no matter what type of feedback we expect to receive. And it all begins with the first step:


1.) Admit you have a problem.

Hi, my name is Jenn, and I am an Emoticonic :) I've abused emoticons for... oh... going on three years now.


2.) Apologize to those you have hurt through your addiction.

Blogcatalog friends, CottageLiving Forum buds, Friends of Cabbages... I owe you all a huge apology :( for littering your forums, and your blog comments, with an endless supply of unnecessary punctuation in the form of goodwill. :) It was my personal insecurity that my online compadres wouldn't understand my tone-- my sense of humor-- that led to such graphics atrocities. I hope you can forgive me. :) :) :)


3.) Begin by writing your first cheeky online sentence emoticon-free.

"If Katie Couric has one more eye-job, her chin will have a navel.".... : .... no.....: ..... must resist.... ;...... must not ..... :) :) :)

Ugh. Off the wagon again!


4.) Do not be discouraged if your first attempt at eliminating the emoticon is not a success. Don't assign blame. Just keep trying.

"If Mark Wahlberg can learn to raise one eyebrow, this means he'll have TWO facial expressions."... : Must try not to.... ; Must not semi-colon......... ;..... NO parenthesis.... NO... NO....

Phew! That was a close one.


5. ) Take emoticon reduction one day at a time. Don't forget to say the Emoticonics Anonymous pledge.

"Give me the strength this day to respect my fellow posters, to post wisely, kindly, logically, to communicate clearly and, above all, to post emoticon-free."


5 and 1/4) Find friends who also have issues with emoticon abuse to act as part of a network.

I hereby invite my fellow Emoticonics to stand up, and share their stories. When you attempt to quit smiley-facing, you do a very brave thing. :) .... (oops... I'll work on it.)

------------------------------------------------------
Vote for this post at Humor-blogs, a wholly unofficial sponsor of Emoticonics Anonymous, The Animated Bullets Liberation Association, and Adsense Clutter Cleaners.